I am European looking for American sex - 29

Gosh, this site has just died lately, hasn't it. What with Dagny finding herself a guy, and me planning this panel and being drunk, there just hasn't been that much happening. Oh well. Call it a mid-winter slump. Here's an amusing ad, however.

I have heard a lot about American sex but never experienced it. I am pretty sure American woman would love to try European sex to see the difference like myself. I am not saying we will meet for sex right the way. I want to take you out and then come to my place and have European-American sex :) Don't be shy to e-mail me. You will not be dissapointed with my look or sex

I mean, I'm not sure how Europeans (as a general whole, too, this guy doesn't even specify a particular nationality or anything) have sex any differently than Americans. Do they know something that we don't know? Is the anatomy different? I am so curious. Yet not curious enough to email him. Oh well.

Professional white male seeking Asian woman - 32

Liar liar, pants on fire.

Looking for an Asian woman for a date and possible long-term relationship. I'm intelligent (Ph.D. educated), attractive, kind, and caring. Before you ask, I DO NOT have an Asian fetish. I just find myself attracted to Asian women intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I rarely have occasion to meet Asian women in my social/work circles, so thought I'd give this a shot. Please send a pic if you have one, and I'll reciprocate. I hope to hear from you.

He doesn't have a fetish MY ASS. I'm sorry, but if that's not one I don't know what is. And I'm sure if he hung out long enough in Chinatown, he'd find one there.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Part 4

So, by now you have read about the "Instant Boyfriend." Also, if you have been reading the posts from me and Gloria, you know that we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let's face it. There is no way that a guy can be perfect.

I thought that the other ones were pretty bad, but this is a giant shoe. Without any prompting, the instant boyfriend (aka bald boy) decided to share a little information about himself this weekend. Apparently he has a standing engagement for Saturday mornings. What kind of engagement, you ask? Why, a court-ordered one. It seems that about a year ago he and his ex had a little dispute. He claims that she came at him; he was simply trying to defend himself. Well, in the course of defending himself, he gave her a black eye. He wanted to fight the charge but his lawyer said that there is no way to fight a photo of a woman with a black eye. The end result is that he is now in court-ordered anger management classes that he will finish in about six months. He says these classes are a joke because all the instructor seems to discuss is what types of women these men should try to avoid -- women with previous histories of abuse, women who are substance abusers...

All I can say at this point is that I really know how to pick them.

Who went to Hallmark to write their ad?

This ad was so filled with cliches that I just knew it deserved a post.

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell them how wonderful they are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

The Style: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman
will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn’t want.

The Workplace: When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she’s a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Relationships: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men’s primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women’s primary fantasy is a good relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has “potential”). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

Love: Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn’t necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn’t. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Wives: Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men: If women knew what men were thinking, they’d never stop slapping them. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women: Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I do not even know how to respond to an ad like this. Perhaps he is just trying to start a discussion group. I just can't imagine him wanting a date.

Pregnant & dont want your baby? Please let me be the Father. - 34

Because this sounds like such a great idea.

34, Male here wanting to be a Dad
Tried a couple of times and I think I am not meant to have the regular way.
I thought it was me but came to find out that the last 2 females I got pregnant miscarried because they both got Cancer.

Go figure. I'm just glad they're okay but neither one can have a child.
So I am trying this route. I thought of adopting from the city but the hassle is so HUGE.

I am NOT rich but I swear I will do what I can for you financially during the pregnancy and for the 1st year after.

My Preference:

- White, European or Latina Female
- Under 5'9"
- Modest Weight

Must be willing to let me sign the Birth Certificate as the Father and sign papers giving me total parental rights.

Please email a Photo, Stats & Age
Please also give me an idea of how you would like to proceed with this.

So, he's hoping that he can find a pregnant woman who'll give up her child? I know that for religious/moral/personal reasons that some women don't believe in/won't get abortions, but if I am ever going to carry a baby to term, you bet your ass I'm keeping it. And what are the odds that the two women he impregnated got cancer?

And why does he want offspring so badly? I mean, this kid won't even genetically be his, so it's not like his bloodline will be carried on. And while he's not rich, is he going to have enough money to afford a child? Kids are expensive. I know that I am. I'm just creeped out by this ad.

It just goes to show that there are some odd odd people out there.

Young Cambridge Professor Would Like to Meet You! - 33

I would love - LOVE - to find out which professor is stupid enough to do such a thing. Seeing that he says he's at MIT, well, then I don't have him (not to mention that there are like 2 male profs (I'm exaggerating, but you get the point) at the ed school).

Hey you. I've posted this before, but was disappointed with the two line responses that I received. So, if you're reading this post, I hope that you will write back.

ME: I'm in my early 30s, fit, overeducated and probably overpaid, and am told that I'm good-looking, funny, easy-going...but I'm single. It's because I spend way too much time in the office with fuddy-duddy colleagues and other dorks (it's that whole tenure-track racket that I'm caught up in). While I love what I work on and am thought of as being very good at it, I'd much rather be hanging out with my friends or goofing off with you. So give me a chance to show you how nerdy professors can also be fun, hip, cocky, naughty, goofy, and on occasion, even romantic!

YOU: 21-35, smart, in-shape, hard-working, and are passionate about your life, your job, your close friends, and family. You appreciate excellent grammar, fabulous restaurants, dingy dives, July 4th, San Francisco, snowboarding, amateur theater, tacky Broadway shows, SATC, the Sopranos, Blue States, and the Red ones too. You despise mind-fuck games. You are proud of what you do. You are humble. I don't really care how many degrees you have or which Ivy took your money, as long as you are not a half-baked leftie or a self-righteous proselytizer. Ideally, you're a bit like me in that you're a closet Type-B who's successfully infiltrated the pathetic world of Type-As. Of course, none of this is a requirement-- I am equally attracted to cute Type-As with exquisite Princeton credentials...;)

US: Send me an email, say something meaningful about yourself and I'll write back. It took me more than 30 seconds to bang out this post, so if I get two flip lines from you, I'll delete it. If you flame me, I'll delete you. If you send me a picture, I'll send you one too. If we click, we can meet up for a drink later this week. If you are in the Administration at MIT and believe that my post "is behavior unbecoming of a faculty member" then you should see what the tools at Harvard are getting away with.

Oh yes, if you're one of my students, undergrad or doctoral, and respond to this post, I **will** find a way to fail your sorry-ass. How sad would you be then?

I think that if I found out he was one of my professors, I'd make sure that it got into the school newspaper somehow. What right has he to fail my butt for answering an anonymous personals ad? He's so full of himself. I might have to write just for fun.

OHMYGOD. I wonder if it is who I think it is. I know a guy at MIT who was definitely a PhD student, and is now perhaps a postdoc - or even a professor. He's probably in his early 30s, and we've gone clubbing several times. I wonder if it's him. He totally fits this profile. That would be great. Dagny, I'm going to need your help on this one, totally.

Strange holidays

I just felt that I had to share this. The new boy was apparently looking around online today when he came across some obscure holiday. Apparently February 16 is "Kinky Exploration Day." Well, at least the folks at egreeting seem to think it is. Needless to say, I did receive a Kinky Exploration Day ecard in my inbox. Thankfully, there were no kids in my office when I opened it. (Yes, I work with children.)

Just add water

Well, it looks like I've found the instant boyfriend. I knew if I kept trying that I would eventually find the right obsessive guy. (This has been the one thing that many of my past boyfriends have had in common. I love how they start telling me about our long life together after the third date or so. One guy had even picked out names for the kids.)

So, I went out with "guy-with-no-hair" last Friday. He then sent an email on Saturday asking if I wanted to do anything on Sunday. I am weak so of course I said yes. I hung out with him on Sunday night. One of the highlights of the evening is that he gave me a Valentine's Day card. I haven't gotten one of those in years.

Things went well enough that he called me yesterday morning before I headed to work. He then called again when he got home from work. I was still at work at the time so I missed the call. I called him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to hang out last night. I explained that I am severely sleep deprived (I got three hours of sleep last night) and would have to pass as I have a pressing date with my bed ... alone. I then said that perhaps tonight would be ok and that I would give him a call. As I sat at work today, I came to my senses and suggested Thursday night. (I don't have to work on Friday so this way I would have plenty of time to make up for any potential sleep deprivation. Alas, he cannot do Thursday so we have agreed on Friday.

I think that I'm starting to remember why I stopped dating. Guys like this are difficult to get rid of. *sigh*

Ashley Madison and other fascinations

A few weeks ago, I came across a link to a site that features alleged sugar daddies looking for babes. (Yes, I found this link through a CL ad.) I find it fascinating what can be found out on the web. Of course, I perused the site thoroughly. There was one guy who had posted to the site who I do not think belonged there. He made under $100,000 a year. What kind of sugar daddy is that? I can hear it now. "Honey, we have to meet at the Motel 6 because I can't afford the Fairmont." Just doesn't conjure up any sugar daddy images there at all.

Yesterday morning I was watching a news show on which they had a piece on Ashley Madison. Apparently it's the place to go if you want to cheat on your husband. I really wish that all those married folks posting on CL would just go to sites like this that cater to their needs. Maybe they don't know about them.

Liberal Horny Guy Seeks Big-Bosomed Republican - 25

That old adage, "opposites attract"? Apparently, this guy believes it in spades. My comments in italics, because I am too lazy to be continually using blockquotes.

Love is in the air. I can feel it. Can you? Love is about an adversarial relationship. Love stems from the seeds of hatred that are planted between two people--two people that don't really like each other. If you agree, read on, my love...[And already, I knew this ad was off to a good start.]

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
You are a Republican. Your brain has stopped functioning, so I should be able to take advantage of you quite easily. [The liberal part of me loves this.] We'll talk about prayer in school, 'nucular' threats posed by poverty-stricken third-world countries, your love of Krazy Karl Rove, and your surprise at North Korea possessing 'nucular' weapons (even though they've been announcing this for years).Maybe you'll talk about how Howard Dean is the devil because you're scared he may actually work to improve conditions for all Americans, rather than just the top 2 percent (which you are not a part of, but you hope to be some day). [Ah, he's a Dean fan. Hrm, we would definitely not get along. Dean reminds me of a little loud fire hydrant. I was a Clark girl myself.] This will make you little more than putty in my hands. You voted for Bush because he represents values and faith. You have no idea what this means, but you're easy, so it doesn't really matter. And even though you claim to be a religious conservative, the gloves (and inhibitions) come off in the bedroom. You are at LEAST a 36C and between 5 and 6 feet tall. And your stamina almost matches mine. Almost. Obviously, you are white (though if you are Asian, you are exempt from all requirements except the 36C and stamina guidelines). [Glad he's not picky, mm?] If you enjoy racquetball, that's a major plus. [I have never understood racquetball. Wait, is it like squash? Maybe it's squash that I don't understand. Tennis is so much more fun, and you get to wear tennis skirts.]

ABOUT ME:
I voted for John Kerry. I still believe in the separation of church and state. And I believe that gay marriage not only will not send the country down the toilets, but will show true compassion and acceptance of diversity to the rest of the world. I am college educated. The world's biggest antagonist is not outside the United States, nor is he outside of Washington DC (unless he's down there tending to the ranch). [I understand that he hates Bush, but you don't need to beat a dead horse.] I can spell a lot of words and use correct grammar without using the built-in Microsoft Word spellcheck. [Ah, I think I'm in love.] I read the newspaper on a regular basis. [Really. In love.] And though at this point we may seem like polar opposites, I think we'll have a lot of fun together. I also like dogs and good movies (Shaun of the Dead, Fahrenheit 911, Bowling for Columbine, Fog of War, There's Something About Mary, etc.). [Shaun of the Dead was a good movie? Okay, our movie tastes are definitely not similar, as I didn't see any of those movies, with the exception of the last listed, because I knew I'd just be grumpy throughout.]

OUR IDEAL FIRST DATE:
We'll start off the night with a candle-lit dinner at Olive Garden (I always throw up after eating there, but you love it, and this should get you into bed faster). [Maybe he's a misogynist. He really doesn't have very high expectations for the girl he wants to go out with.] We'll finish it with a large piece of carrot cake in a liberal Pasadena coffee shop. [I want to email him and ask if it's Busters. It's gotta be Busters! Busters is the best in the area. All of you not from Pasadena won't understand this, unfortunately.] You'll fume when you see the two women at the next table holding hands. But you'll bottle your aggression and fear to take out on me in the bedroom later in the evening, and the delicious carrot cake should promise to calm your nerves a little bit. At the end of the night (before bed, of course) we'll go down and laugh at the half-wits hanging around Green Party headquarters (I think they parked their VW Bus down by Fair Oaks and Del Mar, but I'm not sure). [Hee hee hee.]

So email me your picture and a brief biography. It should be brief, because I just described you above.

Ah, really, it's a shame that this witty one is in LA and not Boston. Although I'm not a republican, so we can't do that whole opposites-attracting thing. Then again, with similar values, you can make fun of all the others, of which I am always a big fan.

The saga continues

OK. I know I swore off going on dates. I have the prerogative to change my mind. Yes, that's right. I went on yet another date.

Gloria had already checked out this guy's photo and said that I shouldn't bother with him. (He is one of the men with no hair.) Then he sent an email suggesting drinks or coffee. The offer then changed to dinner, and sushi no less. I caved. I can never seem to pass up free food, especially if it's something I really like.

So he wasn't as cute as I would have hoped but he is a really nice guy. He also likes to spend money. No, I'm not some sort of gold digger but I have had more than enough experience with cheap men. It was actually all so pleasant that I agreed to go out again. When? Who knows, but I'll be sure to share when I do go out.

"Rich businessman" is a VIOLENT FREAK - 29

Lookie here, it's a public service announcement and personals ad in one!

Ladies, there is a very dangerous guy who poses as a "CEO of his own company" and is a very slick talker who preys on women he meets here. He also poses as a "Sugardaddy" in order to meet young women. He has attacked several young women who I know personally. Email me for his description and his contact info an stay safe.

PS- I have connections with legit wealthy guys looking for discreet female company and that is how I came across this freak. Write me for more info.

Do you like MAD LIBS®, good, so do I... - 35

This was rather clever, so I decided that it merited a post, because truly amusing CL posts are much rarer than truly bad CL posts.

Oh yes, it is time for a fun game of MAD LIBS®. Made up by yours truly, completed by you. Of course, the surprise is taken out of the finished product for you, but for me? Well, I could use a laugh today and the winner (which is judged by how much I like the story) gets to meet me a SWM of 35 for coffee or tea. I know, what a prize, so don't hold back.

______________________________________________

Once upon a time there was a _________who wanted to become a/an ______ ______.
Noun / adjective / noun

This ___________ thought that the only way to become this was to ____________.

Same noun as first / some sort of action

So s/he went to __________ to do just this. On the way s/he had to __________

specific place / verb


Over________ puddles of ____________ and __________ through _____________. S/he

Adjective/ noun / verb/ noun

started to feel_____________ and decided to e-mail/call/write/stop a

some emotion / chose one

______________and ask them to__________________. The response

Noun / a course of action

was _________ and s/he ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________ (maybe some dialog happened).

THE END

______________________________________________

Thanks for playing MAD LIBS® with me. Forward your completed sheet. Winning entry will be notified.

This guy spent a lot of time on it, I mean, he has coloured orange lines and all. Of course, I haven't enough creativity to fill it in, so unfortunately I won't be emailing this guy anytime soon.

What sides are available with this?

Side dishes...

Hi, I am a tall, muscular, handsome man, sexy, loving, passionate,trustworthy, monogomous, caring, chivalrous, kind and compassionate. I am a leader by nature, very open, sexual and seeking one woman. I make over 100k annually and know how to spoil and keep my woman happy. I am seeking a long term relationship with a woman that loves monogomy and family and enjoys a variety of men. Race is open, I love adventure and exporing the world with you, (San Francisco, great restraunts, travel, snuggling, dancing, movies and cooking together at home) we are sexual creatures and revel in each others fantasies, and would like to dedicate ourselves to each other and have a little secret (With a few very handsome men on the side for you) that our friends and family know nothing about. Kids are cool and color is not an issue.

Please include a picture is you would like a reply.

I was tempted to correct the spelling but then I realized that I needed to post the ad as it originally appeared.

Why do I need handsome men on the side? Is he ugly? Is he impotent? Perhaps both? The more I read these ads, the more frightened I become.

scandalize your friends because your new boyfriend is a SEX WORKER - 28

This is yet another of the myriad angles that can be taken in an online post:

Seriously though, my friend is a full time gigolo and my other friend is a male erotic masseuse. I run a private escort referral business so I am also a sex worker. Hey sex workers need love too and all three of us are precious. You can date me or either one of my friends if you are a cool shit. Your ex or your friends will be so scandalized. ;)

Yes, but I don't think I want anyone I'm dating sleeping with other people, even if it is his job. Plus - diseases! Diseases!

I also rather liked his description of being "precious". Um, things that are precious are adorable people like me, cute little puppies and kittens, and expensive jewelry. NOT sex workers.

I haven't given up completely

After my last post, Gloria was worried that I would not have any new posts for the site. There is no need to worry. I still plan to post commentary on the ads on Craigslist. I have also made one final edit to my ad and re-posted it. Maybe there's some poor schmuck out there who hasn't answered previously. I'm not sure if my eyes can take anymore of those hideous pictures though.

I just realized that I probably sound like a complete snob. Rest assured. I am. In younger days, I was constantly told, "You should be a model." Actually, I still hear that now but I explain to people that I am well above model age (with no portfolio) these days. Yes, I am superficial. I have dated ok looking guys before but never the ugly guys who have answered my ad. If I was a mean person, I would post the pictures to which I have been subjected. I just keep wondering who told these guys that they are attractive. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My aunt married a guy who I think looked like a mole (yes, the animal). Then again, he did have money.

Oooo ... I just received my first response -- from a guy who previously said that it was my job to impress him. (See Being More Specific)

Oh well. Life goes on ...

Oh ... I hurt your feelings...

Right before I heard from high school boy, I heard from another guy. He seemed ok and the picture wasn't bad. OK, Gloria had issues with his facial hair. Me? He didn't look like Grizzly Adams so it was all good with me.

After close to a week of correponding, I asked him about meeting. He said that he would try to squeeze me into his weekend. I should have taken that as a sign. What did I do instead? I posted an edited version of my original ad. This is the ad to which high school boy responded.

In the second week, I asked tried to hint around about weekend plans. He was elusive. I then mentioned that I had a date with high school boy. He seemed wounded. His response? He told me that he had a date over the weekend -- dinner and a movie. I said, trying to be a friend, that I expected to hear details.

Well, now it's Sunday. He's been on his date. The only detail I received is that the date was "great." (Sure he had a date.) Now he's pissed off with me. Well, that is because of the email exchange today. Gloria tried to remind me that according to my horoscope that others could misconstrue my meaning in emails today. Now I know what the horoscope meant. I did apologize for being pissy. It's not my fault if he doesn't believe me. And all this from a guy I've never met in person.

No more CL dates for me. I'm going back to hanging out in bars and clubs ... because I'm cute and I can.

TOP 10 REASONS I DESERVE A BLOWJOB TODAY - 29

I have no desire to write to this guy, but the post made me laugh.

HELP ! My dick has taken over my computer today. I have tried to stop him but his desperation and despair has made him too strong. Anything said below is written by an out of control cock - I take no responsibility.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. I need some air.
9. My owner has promised to let me watch the Super Bowl with him if I succeed today.
8. I showered really, really good - I scrubbed hard!
7. You know you want me baaaaby (I am a very talented penis. I bet you never heard a penis do an Austin Powers impression til now eh?:)
6. Lately, my owner is beating me like I owe him money.
5. You need the practice.
4. I am well proportioned, large and in really great shape.
3. I last much longer than cookies or ice cream and am low carb/high protein.
2. It's tax deductable.
1. I watched that damn Golden Girls last night - they get my juices flowing
every time!

I'd like to know what happens if the poor penis doesn't get a blowjob. Does it not get to watch the Superbowl? Do I want to know how that works?

And the winner is...

Another stellar post...

I'm not looking for a new England ... Just looking for another girl.

After a good deal of experimentation, I've decided that opposites don't attract. So I'm looking for someone just like me.

So, here's the deal: I'm tall (6'2"), so please be tall; I'm very good-looking, so please be very good-looking, I have a good body and a really nice ass, so please have a good body and a really nice ass.

Beyond those gating issues, I'm smart and very widely read, so please be smart and very widely read. Also, I'm funny and like to goof around, so please be funny and like to goof around.

I know this sounds narcissistic, but I talked to my therapist about it and she assures me it's not. Just an expression of the universal human need to commune with someone on the same level, physically, mentally and emotionally, apparently.

Anyway, if by some divine Providence you read this and it describes you, please respond with a picture. We'll take it from there.

There is only one comment necessary here, I believe. He talked to his therapist about it?

WHO NEEDS A GREEN CARD? - 26

Now, since I am an American citizen, I don't need a green card, but for those of you who do:

IF YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED OR NEED A GREEN CARD, PLEASE READ THIS:

I am 27 years old and I sell insurance and financial services. My career has the opportunity to earn around $150,000 a year. I am tired of the dating scene. It is so difficult to meet women here in LA let alone find a relationship so basically what I want to do is just get married. I am looking for anyone who is considerind a long term relationship. If you are a foreigner who needs a green card listen up: I WILL MARRY ANY WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GREEN CARD!!!!!! I just want to get married so I can live a stress-free life. If you reply I will send you my pic.

I mean, his career has the opportunity to make lots of money. There's no guarantee that he'll ever hit it, but you know, that elusive opportunity awaits! And you have to admire the guy, he thinks that getting married will ensure him a "stress-free life". Because being married is less stressful than dating. This is a DON'T MISS!!!! opportunity! If I needed a green card I would email him in a heartbeat!!!! Maybe I will anyway!!

Seriously. Marriage as the only other option than dating? There's always a monastery.

This simply deserves commentary

I was busy browsing the ads on CL this morning when I came across this gem. (What? Oh, you want to know why I was browsing the ads when I just had a date last night. I'm still not sure how the date went so I'm hedging my bets.) I felt this guy deserved a post.

Hi - I'm 37, white and fairly successful (wealthy, have been in Time, NYTimes, CNN, etc., generous in my work and life, proud of my achievements), attractive enough (some modeling five years ago in NYC for aggressive photographers), etc. I’m more rock than jock.

I've been in enough serious relationships and flings. I don't want someone falling in love with me again, or to fall in love with someone else.

I'm looking for purely fun, superficial dating -- I take you out to dates scrumptious places, maybe on some travel, you dazzle me with your beauty and charm. I am not looking for an escort or paid companion.

BTW: Sex is probably out, since it complicates things, and I want some simple romantic flirting fun.

-me

First of all, if he's so hot, where's the picture? Even better, where are the links to the Time and NY Times references? Also I'm kind of frightened by the "more rock than jock" thing. Does this mean that he looks like Mick Jagger?

He wants a superficial thing but doesn't want a paid companion? Hmmmm ... I think he may be related to "never bought a woman a drink" guy. Oh ... and no sex? There is something definitely wrong with this guy.

But of course, you know me. Yes, I am tempted to answer. Why? Because if all else fails, I'll get a great story out of it.

Why I hate dating

So I went out with the high school boy tonight. (No, he is not in high school currently. We went to the same high school but didn't really know each other back then.) I was fashionably late -- 10 minutes. When I arrived at the restaurant, he was at the table having a beer.

We ate, we talked, and then we had to leave because he needed to go to work early in the morning. It was enjoyable. There were no awkward pauses in the conversation. Oh, and yes, Gloria, he is cute. The date lasted about two hours.

Then came the part of the date that I always hate -- the goodbye. Perhaps someone else can help me on what is appropriate. We said goodbye, shuffled around for a few awkward moments, and then shook hands. We then continued to talk for a few more minutes. I thought I detected a lean on his part but I'm really not sure. Finally we parted ways, and now I sit here typing.

I'm not aure where things stand from here. I will send off my "standard" thank you email in the morning. (I like to use it in those questionable situations. I think of it as a way of saying, "I think you're interesting and would like to see you again," without actually saying the words.

Own your very own Man Pet! - 35

I'm wondering if this is the same guy as the Tarzan guy. My comments in italics.

OK, you've tried a fish tank, a cat, and a dog. All great pets, but something is missing. Allow me to indulge in a comparison with a popular pet, a bit of a bake off you might say. (Note: bark off might have been more clever and a propos.)

Things a dog can do, and so can I

• Sit.
• Be loyal.
• Long walks.
• Fetch a Frisbee or tennis ball (not with my teeth, so no slobber).
• Stick my head out the window while driving.
• Be house broken.
• Low cost (single meal a day and water is fine with me). (Only one meal a day? What's wrong with this guy?)
• Keep your feet warm in winter.
• Get fixed. (Does this mean he's had a vasectomy? Or that he's willing to get one?)
• Run fast, but not up/down the stairs.
• Follow you around. (I hope not obsessively, like our stupid dog.)
• Enjoy head petting and hair brushing.

Things a dog does, but I don't

• Chase other dogs, cats, or cars.
• Bark (could if you want me to I guess).
• Go to the vet.
• Sniff butts or crotches.
• Drink toilet water.
• Sleep on your bed while you are at work. (This means he'll stay home while I'm at work? What's up with that?)
• Pee/poo someplace other than in the toilet. (If only we could train our stupid dog to do that.)
• Lick my own genitals.

Things a dog can't do, but I do

• Be short or long haired.
• Shower/bathe daily.
• Remove my own fleas/ticks. (I really hope he doesn't have any.)
• Do chores (windows, toilets, dishes, laundry, whatever).
• Put up a better fight against intruders (i.e. call 911).
• Faux boy friend to ward off all the other strange men. (Wait, so he's not looking to date someone? Why is he posting on this board?)
• Dance (well, at least I can lead).
• Open a pickle jar.
• Brush your hair. (Aw, I like it when other people play with my hair.)
• Answer the phone, and take a message.
• Drive a car.
• Rent movies.
• Can do laundry and fold clothes.
• Play tennis and putt putt golf.
• Conversation.
• Cook.
• Cuddle (OK, maybe a dog can do that).

While I'm not exactly offering myself up as your slave, however, this is an opportunity to be the first on your block to have a man pet. Why settle for a lesser species when you can own the top of the food chain. I'm available for immediate placement, so bring me home today. By the way, my ID tags say "Single White Male 35."So, if you want to take me for a walk, let me know.

It's cute, not as clever as the Tarzan one, but in the same vein. Another question - since he's advertising himself as a "man pet", does that mean that I'd have to support him financially? Note how none of his "abilities" says that he'll take a girl out to dinner or for drinks. And is he homeless and will he be moving in with me? These are very serious questions that must be answered. And if someone (ahem, Dagny) wants to help me craft a response, that would be awesome.

Helping my guy find his match! - 28

Now, this is an interesting approach to a post:

To all interested girls in the Boston/Metrowest area! Want to meet a really awesome guy? I’d like you to meet my former boyfriend. He and I had dated for a year and a half before circumstances caused us to break up. I really hate to see him so lonely so I volunteered to help him find a new girlfriend.

A little about him: he’s 28, single, white, a male (duh), 5’9”, hazel eyes and brown hair, a cute and disarming smile, boyishly cute with a gorgeous body, D/D free, social drinker, non-smoker. He has a good job, a car and an apartment, works out every day and has some karate training. He’s a hopeless romantic, very funny, deep, philosophical and mischievous. He’s a great kisser and gives wonderful hugs! He is also polyamorous, which means he is comfortable with an open, loving relationship where both he and his girlfriend are free to meet other people without fear of jealousy.

What he likes!: A woman confident in her sexuality and in herself, 20--30s+, D/D free, social drinker okay, non-smoker. Any race, any type (but fit & healthy preferred). Kindly, able to support herself, enjoys any “non-girl” activities like scifi books and movies, comic books, enjoys novels and movies and isn’t hung up on her appearance, isn’t superficial or materialistic. No emotional baggage please! Poly girl preferred, or any girl who can handle an open relationship.

I hope that helps! Thanks for taking the time to read, and please respond! This goes directly to him!

Did this ex-girlfriend really write the post, or is the guy pretending to write it? If it is the case of the latter, that's just ridiculous. However, if it's the former scenario, it opens up all sorts of interesting topics. Such as - does he know about it? Why did they break up? Is this just an evil prank she played on her ex?

Honesty Part 2

A few weeks ago I went out with a guy whose ad I had answered. We met for coffee. Everything was going so well, we decided to get dinner. Then we went for drinks and ended the evening with more coffee. At the end of the evening we agreed to go out the following weekend. Thursday of that week he emailed me to say that he would not be able to go out because he had just found out that he had to work that weekend. I told him that it was fine with me and asked that he just let me know when he would be available.

Two weeks passed by and not a word from him. Normally I would just write the guy off. I figure if you can't contact me within two weeks, then you probably are not interested and I should move on. When I relayed this to a friend, she argued that it was too much like game playing and that I should give the guy a chance. She lectured for so long that I finally gave in and emailed the guy to see how he was doing. This is the response I received.

I'm sorry i hadn't told you sooner. It's not that i don't like you. I just realized that i'm looking for something physical right now. I assumed you weren't interested in that, so rather than come clean i just hid. Sorry, you deserved better.

Damn skippy I deserve better. I just spent some more time on the phone analyzing this response with another friend. She says that he is obviously afraid of commitment but doesn't know how to come right out and say it. Below is my answer to this.

Thank you for your honesty. Was it really that hard? I'm not completely sure what I'm looking for at this time. I know that it is not a purely physical relationship. I can find that hanging out in a bar. (Of course, that's one thing that has always kind of bothered me. If someone is looking for something purely physical, then why bother with CL?) Anyway, best of luck.

Maybe someone can answer that question for me. If all you need is sex, then why not just head out to a bar and pick someone up? It used to work for me in the past. Now I like to think that I have matured though, and while sex can be important, it is not the only thing that matters. OK, and sometimes I look at CL purely for the entertainment factor.

YOU TARZAN. ME JANE. No, wait. Tarzan confused - 35

Okay, I'm done with that whole "Shaken, not stirred" foray into internet dating. I got some 50-odd responses, leaving me to believe that the guys of Boston are really eager to date - well then, why don't I see them when I'm out? Oh right, going out in groups of guys the majority of the time generally hurts one's chances at meeting new guys. Must work on that. I have one more date set up for this weekend, and we'll see how it goes (if it goes poorly, don't worry, there will be a post on it. Already, it's not looking like things'll be going in his favour as he uses the space bar very oddly, but we'll see. He was cute).

Anyway, for your enjoyment. This was not a response to my ad, but rather one I found on Craigslist awhile ago. I almost wrote him because he was so damn funny. I don't know what happened, I suppose I forgot. Because I'm really forgetful like that. Oh well.

Tarzan:

• Live through thirty five white summers and winters.


• Level head, but sometimes off wall.


• Big brain! Spend time at big university! Get important piece of paper! But maybe spent too much time in front of human and chalkboards with funny symbols. Only talk in grunts and computer code. Can type two thousand words in minute, as long as all those words "argh".


• Not six feet. Only five-ten. If Jane have height fetish, maybe Tarzan fix Jane up with big ape friend Bobo instead.


• Like smashing little white ball with bat. I swung from Pesky Pole, then green monster mad!


• Love following waves at beach with no board! But water in Boston too dirty. Tarzan only like clean water.


• Tarzan like sound. Maybe some day Tarzan become big rock star and do sound for Van Halen.


• Usually mellow, but sometimes urge to do interesting new thing like tour land of baguette-eaters or jump out of big metal bird.

Tarzan want Jane:

• Between twenty-three and forty-three summers old? Tarzan somewhat flexible.


• Have sense of humor. Must make Tarzan laugh! But Tarzan laugh easy, especially if Jane smart.


• Help drag Tarzan away for more time near trees and waves. Like trying new things! But Tarzan not push Jane out of big metal bird if Jane not want.


• "Rubenesque" OK with Tarzan.


• Not just respond "Jane like Tarzan ad! So, tell Jane more about Tarzan." Tarzan need something to work with!

• Tarzan like email. Tarzan like "You've got mail!"

You have to admit, that's pretty damn clever and funny, and I always enjoy an ad that can genuinely make me laugh, rather than just making me laugh at the poster for being a big flaming moron. Maybe I will upload a little gold star graphic that I can use to tag such posts. Too lazy to do that as well.

A Very Surreal Day

This past Friday night I was kind of bored so I decided to edit my previous CL ad. I just had to see if I could get rid of the responses from men who are closer to my dad in age. Well, I think I may have done something right this time because I received a number of decent responses. (Yes, they were cute, Gloria. They also sounded sane.)

One guy stood out in the group. He had a nice picture and he sounded like a nice person. We spent the weekend emailing each other. Finally on Sunday he sent an email describing where in the area he lived. I promptly wrote back that I knew where the city is because I grew up in the area. His response? He wanted to know what high school I went to. Then he told me where I went to high school. Yes, that's right. We went to the same high school. I promptly pulled out my yearbook. All I had was the photo he had sent me, his first name, and his age. I located him in the yearbook within 2 minutes. That's when I realized that I had kind of known him in high school. We knew a lot of the same people. I promptly wrote to my high school best friend and found out that the guy in question had been her older brother's best friend in high school. This is why I've always been reluctant to post an ad. I knew that one day I was bound to run into someone I already knew.

Bottom line? We're going out to dinner later this week. I'll keep you posted.