Originally from Chino, reformed, and now in DC - 27

In honour of the fact that I was just in DC, I decided to peruse the CL there to see if there were any good ads. The sad answer is that no, there weren't any. I have decided that LA takes the cake in terms of hilarious ads. Those in DC are for the most part boring and politically-oriented. Much like the men who live there.

I was once with an accomplice and we stole a car while I lived in Chino, I got in trouble and a great Jewish family took me in to their place in DC. We now sit around drinking coffee all morning and eating bagels.

I'm 27, live in NW DC and if you got the allusion above, I think we will click. I have a professional job, which I am NOT obsessed with and will probably try to avoid talking about. There is more out there than how one earns his money. I like to go out and do pretty normal things, drink too much coffee, and like to sleep in on Sundays.

I'm 6'1, brown hair and hazel eyes. If this has caught your eye, send me an email with a pic and I'll send one right back.

I'm sorry, but someone watches a little too much of The OC. That's all I have to say. Besides, I think that Ryan character is a big whiny pain-in-the-butt with unattractive hair and squinty eyes.

Why post/answer an ad?

After ending things with bald boy, I decided to take another look at the CL ads. There are a few that are entertaining, but that's about it. My past experiences have now taught me that perhaps I do not want to go out with a guy who posts or answers ads on CL.

First, there was the guy who has never bought a woman a drink. Then there was the born again Christian guy with the illegitimate daughter. Next was the guy who decided that he liked another woman more than he liked me just to be dumped by her. (Well, I'm guessing that she dumped him because two to three weeks later his ad was back up on CL.) Next was the guy who told me that I deserved better than him, but only after I questioned his sudden coldness. The final candidate was bald boy, and you've heard more than enough about him.

What do all of these men have in common, in my opinion? They are not really ready to be in the dating pool. Therefore, they should not be allowed to post or to answer ads until they are truly ready.

What about me? I took 2+ years off from dating so that I could focus on other aspects of my life, like getting a job/career that I really liked. Once I was feeling financially stable, I sat down and tried to think about what I really wanted out of dating before heading back into the waters. I think what these guys have in common is that they haven't really thought the whole thing out. They seem to want to make it up as they go along. They think they want one thing and then realize that what they want is the complete opposite. It's never dawned on them to take the extra time to figure out what they want.

Maybe the whole thing to them is like asking for directions...

Are you a date from hell? take this quick quiz!

I always love a good quiz. Therefore, I could not resist this ad.

A man is
1) an ATM with lege
2) the reason my life is screwed up
3) an important part of my life
4) what determines whether I am a success or failure

On my first date, I like to talk about
1) My mother
2) My last boyfriend
3) Sex
4) Something I saw on the Daily Show

The index I use to determine whether or not the date was fun is
1) Whether my friends like him
2) Whether my four kids like him
3) Whether my cat likes him
4) Whether or not I'm still awake when its over

The ideal first date is
1) A lunch or dinner engagement
2) The back seat of my car
3) Planned Parenthood, to make sure he's not shooting blanks
4) A Jennifer Lopez film

I am single because
1) every man I have met for the last forty years was a major disappointment
2) every man I have ever been in a relationship insists on a prenup
3) the police are still looking for my last boyfriend and have (I think) eliminated me as a suspect
4) why do I need a reason?

My career is
1) everything DeVry promised it would be
2) something I do to meet guys
3) fascinating -- at least to me
4) saving me a lot of money ever since I moved my cot into my cubicle

I believe that sex is something that should happen
1) between two consenting, married adults when the time comes to have children
2) on the first date -- because then I'll KNOW he likes me!
3) when it happens
4) before or shortly after I've passed out from drinking
5) but so far, it hasn't

I use Craigs List because
1) people who actually meet me tend to run away screaming
2) I respect myself too much to date people who can't spell
3) Computer literate guys make major bucks
4) If I can't find anything in the man department, at least I can get a cheap washing machine

My most trusted source of information is
1) Cosmo
2) NPR
3) NRA
4) Dianetics

------------------------------------------------

And no, there is no scoring section or answer key. You are who you are....

I do find it disappointing that there is no scoring section. Perhaps I will just have to create one.

Dashing Drunk for Luscious Lush - 30

I daresay, I've found my perfect match, and on Boston's CL no less!

******

Are you tired of being single because none of the guys you like can drink like you, or understand the life of the Truly Tipsy? Well, knock it off, cut it out, get outtahere, and let's go get plastered. This is not a call for an Inebriated Intimate Encounter, just a soft, glowing beacon to the Wide World of Woozy Women who have everything but a handsome drinking buddy. I don't have pics, so don't send any if you don't want to. Please do write about your pick of poison, your usual drunken rant subjects, and O whatever else tickles your moist little mind. I'm all ears, and open to all! Let's go out and have a blast sometime soon!

*******

Appealing to my weak alcoholic side. How very tricky of him.

The fact that he doesn't have pictures bothers me - because really, in this day and age there's gotta be a digital photo of you floating around somewhere. But he did post a pic of Johnny Depp in his role from The Pirates of the Caribbean, and I'll be the first to tell you I had the BIGGEST crush on Captain Jack Sparrow.

Or, you know, I can just drink by myself. Because really, it's not being an alcoholic if you drink by yourself - those teetolaters are just trying to make you feel guilty.

Fat and Ugly guy ready to be Loved!!

I decided that it was once more time to peruse the CL ads. I'm not sure if I actually want to go out with anymore of these guys, but now that bald guy is gone I do need something to occupy my time. I could not resist posting this ad. I am glad to see that there are still some stellar posts out there.

I have looks that even a mother could not appreciate! But here I am, a 34 year old virgin with a heart that is full of love to give to someone special. Anyone out there with a body like Pam Anderson and the brains like Condi Rice that would like to devirginize this one of a kind guy.

Hmmm ... I don't know what is more disturbing -- the Pam Anderson reference or the Condi Rice one.

WANT TO PLAY MY GAME? YOU COULD WIN $100. - 28

You know I have a lot of work I'm procrastinating on when I start reading CL personals like a fiend. I have to say, the CL personals in LA are miles better than the ones in Boston. They are a lot more creative (read: hysterically funny in their patheticness). This guy has a new spin on things.

******

HERE'S THE SITUATION:

I want to go for as long as I can without ejaculating. I don't know if you know this but the more sperm or cum you keep in your body the healthier you are and stronger your body is. The sperm recycles in your body and produces muscle tissue and I'm sure makes you healthier partly because it's protein. Its not easy to not ejaculate for long periods of time. My record for how long I've gone without ejaculating in the past 10 years is 35 days. I want to do the 40 days and 40 nights thing and beat my record and in the process making my body healthier and not relying on sex as much.

HERE IS YOUR GOAL:

As women your job is to try to get me to ejaculate. Whether by blowing me if you think you give good head, or fucking me, or just getting me horny and blowing off my cum if you think you are hot enough. My goal is to resist and go for 40 days and 40 nights. I will keep posting on here letting you know where I'm at. If one of you can get me to cum or ejaculate before I reach my goal (40 days and 40 nights) then you win $100. I give you $100. If I reach my goal then I'm happy. If a girl makes me cum before my goal is reached she gets $100 and I start over again with the same offer. If you are interested in trying to get $100 and playing this game then email me and maybe we can get together. WOMEN ONLY PLEASE.

Today March 22, 2005 is day 2.

*****
I am so tempted to email him and let him know that HELLO, your sperm does NOT recycle and travel throughout your body. It produces muscle tissue? I nearly died laughing reading that bit. Someone needs to go back to his high school bio class. I'm not even going to go into the cum issue.

What this is is a thinly-veiled solicitation. He wants you to have sex with him, and expect that he's not going to get off on it? PLEASE. I bet that a girl'd only have to look at him with bedroom eyes to get her $100.

I have a way easy solution: castration. Then he's not going to have to worry about ejaculating - or having sex - anytime soon.

I WANT TO SWIM IN YOUR VEINS LIKE A FISH IN THE SEA - 43

I don't really know what "swimming in one's veins" would entail, and I'm not sure I really want to find out either. I was reading about hypomania recently, and thought that this guy might qualify - at least through his overexuberant usage of exclamation points and capital letters. I really like that he actually state he's not a weirdo. I so beg to differ.
******

I m attractive, outgoing , fun loving, smart easy going, warm. very affectionate, very loving and also very loyal, health minded , emotionally healthy, and passionate about life, very sincere, I like public displays of affection Im unpretentious , and love to be silly sometimes ......I am in very good shape ....
IF THIS IS YOU AND YOU ENJOY THE SAME THINGS , THEN I AM INTERESTED!!!
I like all outdoor activities ,swimming , good conversation ,beaches , hiking , music, garage sales ,movies , festivals ,dancing ,exotic foods , and open to almost any new interests you might drop on me .....I LOVE KISSING AND MAKING OUT!!!!!!! I am very faithful also ..
I play and record music at home for a hobby, but not to often (home studio)
I like to work out ( home gym) I like weekend get-aways , and movies ....
I’ve done allot of sailing ,scuba diving , skiing, and off road exploring in the past, and would open to trying anything you might have an attraction to..
I am very passionate about sex and romance ,you must be too, I m quite adventurous with sex and romance (in a good way ) ..... BUT IM NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO JUST HAVE SEX WITH AT ALL!!!! (don't have any problems getting sex )...
I m spiritual but not religious ,I am a greek american , yesssss just like the movie MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, so I do have a mediterranean background , oh by the way the movies not too far from the truth HA HA .... and I do have a cousin named toula!!!
my physical attraction to a woman is: 4-11” to 5-7” thin or very petite , med. build or even a little chubby is just fine , a few pounds over weight is great if you’re curvy .. a girl who’s trying to stay in shape is very attractive to me , but I m open to many shapes and sizes ...
what's most important to me is your mind , personality is everything , compassion and common cense is most important to me , you must be happy by nature... I tend to be happier in a long term relationship ....
you must be playful and adventurous ..
I m very open and will share everything with you , and I expect the same ...I am very affectionate and love to massage (I m good)!!!.....you must respond well to that stuff cuzz your gunna get it!!!!LOL
I like a women who is very feminine , but not afraid to get her hands dirty , or break a nail ,,(well O K maybe not the nail thing) HA HA well you know....by the way my sign is CANCER.....
NOW SOME REAL IMPORTANT STUFF: ------if your the type of person that likes to write back and forth for a LONG TIME getting to know each other then I m not the person for you!!!! my soul needs human contact even if its just on the phone....IF I CANT HEAR YOUR VOICE I CANT GET A VERY GOOD FEELING ABOUT YOU ,,,,, AND I DON’T NEED A PEN-PAL ...
so if you dare take a chance ...(AND I DO DARE YOU ), please respond and I will send you a pic of me..
oh by the way I m 5-10” 150lbs thin-medium build with good muscle tone, brown hair , blue eyes ,(great body) !!!.....I wear glasses but mostly for driving or watching movies ......
I m not the kind of guy who likes to stay home and watch sports on tv ..I HATE THAT !!!! I WOULD RATHER HAVE A PILLOW FIGHT ..(I might even let you win if you look cute holdin that pillow)
I like to look at human sculpture , I guess I just love the human form , also I like erotic art but don’t own any (don’t worry I m not a weirdo)....
I have to tell you I am a little shy at first meetings with a girl (woman) BUT IF I KNOW YOUR ATTRACTED TO ME AND I AM TO YOU , I WARM-UP VERY QUICKLY AND RESPOND APPROPRIATELY
WELL I’D LOVE TO TELL MORE BUT THIS MAY BE TOO LONG ALREADY ...
AND YESS I LOVE MY WORK!!!
SO PLEASE I WANT TO REMIND YOU , I DON’T WANT A PEN-PAL!!
IF ANY OF THIS INTERESTS YOU PLEASE RESPOND AND I’LL SEND YOU A PIC OF ME,
BUT PLEASE RESPOND WITH YOUR PIC AND I WILL REPLY WITH MY PHONE #...
IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO TALK ON THE PHONE SOON AFTER THAT , DON’T BOTHER TO RESPOND...
SO DON’T BE AFRAID !!!! AND DON’T WASTE TIME .. I AM VERY READY FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, AND I AIM TO PLEASE
DON’T LET ME SLIP OUT OF YOUR HANDS, IM A GOOD CATCH !!!

your partner in crime
ummmmmmm me

Probably the last bald boy post

Gloria thought that I had disappeared over the last couple of weeks because of the bald boy. The truth is that I moved recently and had to wait to get an internet connection. Well now that I have a connection once again, it is time to tell the truth about the ongoing saga of the bald boy.

Things turned kind of strange last week. Up until that point, he called me on a daily basis. Then suddenly ... nothing. Perhaps he was busy at work. Perhaps his court-ordered anger management classes and Caltrans work crew duty were getting to be a bit much. I called and left a message. Then a couple of days later, I called and left another message. He called me back after the second message full of apologies. He said that he had been especially busy at work.

More days pass and I didn't hear from him so I tried to call again. This time I didn't leave a message. He has called ID so he knows I called. On Wednesday evening my phone rang -- well, actually it vibrated -- as I was settling in to here Spike Jonez speak on the Berkeley campus. I figured he would leave a message and I would listen to it later. The message was more apologies. Apparently he has not felt like being around other people recently. OK, I can understand being in a mood, but TWO WEEKS? I tried to call back but of course got his voicemail. I told him that if he decided that he wanted to talk to people again, he should give me a call then. Needless to say, I am not sitting around holding my breath for that day. Loser!

I'm not sure if I'm willing to subject myself to yet another CL date. It doesn't mean that I will stop reading the ads because, let's face it, they are just so damn entertaining. CL does have its positive points though. I would not have my job or my new apartment if it was not for CL.

Help! Must be engaged to actress by noon on friday! - 35

This is another really long one. I can't even write comments on it, because I don't know where to begin (and because I have no creativity anymore, writing about conceptual change in deaf children has completely taken it out of me). I do have to give this guy credit for his imagination, however. And that's what happens when you go to LA and fancy yourself a writer (as so many out there do).

******

Yes, it's crazy. I was going about my quirky life over the weekend experiencing one nutty happenstance after another. Nutty things are always happening to me - like the mishap with my neighbors parrot which I will tell you about. But first.

On friday, my boss called me into his office on my way out the door for what I was hoping would be a relaxing weekend. He wanted to tell me that he thought I was the worst employee he had ever known and that this would be my last day. I didnt want the job anyhow, I seem to go from one job to another because of misunderstandings. My boss thought that it was me who left a phone sex message for his daughter because the call came from my phone. Turns out that someone was using my phone on a day that I skipped work without telling anyone and hoped no one would notice. I could't tell my boss that I really was not even there - but had billed for the hours - then he would have fired me for that too!

On my way back home, my landlord stops me. He wants more money and is threatening to throw me out if I don't pay up - so he yelled at me for an hour on friday night, clenching his fists. I promised to pay up in one week to buy some time.

Then Saturday it got worse. See, I adopted a "child" from Cambodia a year ago - one of those deals where I send money every month. The child turned out to be a 29 yr old drug-lord. But he is loveable! Though we were never supposed to meet, he showed up on my door-step on Saturday saying "Mercedes Benz number one! You daddy. You daddy." So what the heck was I supposed to do? He moved in and is trying to set up operations here. I don't yet have the heart to ask him to leave yet. He waters the plants and my cat has really taken a liking to him. I would like to have my bed back because the couch is so uncomfortable, but he is a guest in my country. So now I am buying food for two now.

And just as luck would have it, my neighbor girl, who I have a secret crush on showed up at my house on sunday morning with two coffees and a smile. I have been waiting to talk to her for a long time and she just took the initiative god bless her. Well, I invited her in and she saw Minh (my cambodian son) in a kimono and what the heck - but she figured I was gay. It was a giant misunderstanding! And I was going to explain it to her, but the phone rang. She did not stay for coffee even - but I noticed that her parrot had somehow flown into my apartment. Minh tried the coffee because he liked the smell. But I think the caffeine did not sit well with him because he ran into the bathroom and started screaming at the mirror, "I number 1, I number 1!"

I chased the parrot around the room until it finally escaped out of a window. Not being good at flight myself, I ran downstairs and out the door to see where the little fella had gone. Turns out he flew into my muffler of my car and was stuck. Thinking I could get him out, I started the car and let it run for 30 seconds. Turned it off and went to the rear of the car to find margie (the bird) hacking away on the concrete. I picked the little bird up and left her at my neighbors door. Meanwhile, my phone is still ringing. So i run inside to get it.

I answered the phone and it was this law firm saying they were looking for me. A lawyer from the firm said that he needed to speak with me urgently and in-person. So, I agreed to meet him that evening.

In the course of the meeting I was told that I had an uncle, apparently a recluse of some sort, but very rich. Well, as fate would have it, he died a week ago. And he had no children. So, he willed all his fortune to me - an amount over 50 million dollars! Its a lot of money. However, as per the request of his client (my uncle) the lawyer tells me that the only way I can get the money is if I give up my irresponsible single ways and by noon friday have a job and a fiance - but the girl has to be an actress or waitress/actress with a heart of gold! Why do these things always happen to me?!

So, clearly this story will compel all you CL actress women to put on some dresses and chase me down the city streets. I can imagine all the craziness that will soon occur. We have to hurry too! But I must choose one of you and as part of the decree, if the marriage fails or if you leave me, we both lose the money and have to surrender any and all assetts which we acquired during our time together. What the heck, no loopholes here - no sir.

This is crazy and quirky. I don't know where to begin. My lawyer has agreed to help me make the decision if I need advice - so hopefully you will have pure intentions. He is bald and has an english accent and seems to be very wise.

I guess I should tell you about myself: I have all kinds of misunderstandings always happening to me. I am average looking, in average shape, have never cheated on a girl - but have been in plenty of minsunderstandings where it sure looked that way. I have had cake thrown in my face, coffee poured on my head and one girl poured ice down my pants while I just took it. Crazy things always happen to me!

So, please send your photos and your stats and hopefully I will find you before noon on friday when all mayhem will break loose and if we have not sorted it out by then, my lawyer will have to use a megaphone to call your name in the crowd of brides to be who are chasing me. I know CL has lots of different kinds of potential brides from pot smoking broke hippie chicks who wear petchuli and don't bathe much to cocky career women who are bossy and wear strap-ons. Hopefully you will all feel welcome to write me!

I just want you to be pretty and able to handle lots of craziness! It will be a plus if you have good morals to help me sort through and discover what is really important in the midst of all this madness and money. Also, if you are a CEO that might help since I might be running a few of my uncle's Fortune 500 companies and I dont know what a CEO really is!

Can't wait to hear from you.

DO YOU Want To Have A Baby?? - 32

I think I read in the NYTimes awhile back about guys posting on craigslist because they just want to impregnate females. Here's one of them:

This is probably a little different from the other ads in here, and only intended for a select one or two. I've seen ads asking for this sort of thing in the past, so I know you're out there.

I have, and never have had, no interest in marriage or raising a family but, how can say this modestly...I have rather good genes to pass on. You won't know my name and or any contact information.

This list of traits will read a little differently than a personal ad, since I'm not soliciting a date but rather just listing the characteristics you'll want to know.

32
6'2"
caucasian
IQ tested at 136
straight
handsome..really.
accomplished musician
thick and abundant hair
both parents are in their early 60s and in excellent health, as am I
Social drinker only, and not prone to alcoholism.
Despite the 'matter of fact' tone of this listing, am pretty personable, jovial and kind.

Please, only respond if you meet ALL of the following requirements:

At least 30 years old
Have abundant financial resources to provide for yourself and child.
In good health
Emotionally/mentally stable. I won't be taking your word for it, but will make my own judgements.

Again, this is only for a select career woman who hears the clock ticking and is 100% prepared to do this, not a young girl looking for stability, purpose or a welfare check.

Tell me a little about yourself, at least enough for me to know you're the type of successful, loving but childless woman I mentioned above. A picture would be nice, but not required at this point. Your pic will get mine, however.

So, first of all, this guy needs to know that he's not that special. No, many many guys want to just make babies, they don't want to take care of them. I suppose that I have to give them some sort of credit for at least being honest. It's interesting that he's so interested in the welfare of his offspring, but he has no interest in raising it. I almost feel like he shouldn't get a say. And how does he know he has good genes to pass on? Has he had his genome read (or whatever they do nowadays). If not, how doesn't he know that he isn't a carrier for any number of diseases that would lie dormant in him and perhaps his parents. Perhaps he has a great great grandmother who had... okay, I don't remember my genetics anymore, but there's shit about recessive genes and stuff like that if you're really interested and reading more about it, just do a google search.

I guess I just don't get it. Does this guy want to walk around knowing that he's fathered a kid out there, yet not want to know the kid? That's just sad, and besides, he might have already, he doesn't know.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED - 27

I know that this is really long, but bear with me, it's worth it. I've added my comments in italics.

------

I am a 27-year-old financial services representative and just started this career that will earn me over $200,000 a year. There are too many women in LA who play games, they date but aren't serious about relationships, they give out their phone number but won't return messages (yes, I do this, but that's because I'm apparently incapable of lying about my phone number which is really weird. Often, also, giving a guy your phone number is the easiest way to get rid of him. It'd be even more effective if I used a fake one. Oh well) and there are women who date multiple guys at once because "they don't know which one they like best" Well, I for one am sick of it. I have completely removed myself from the dating scene (good. there are too many putzes out there) because I am sick of games and I am sick of being played. I just want to get out of the rat race and just get married. (He's 27. Why the hell is he so jaded?) I know for a fact that there are women who feel the same way I do. They have been played by men who use and violate their bodies and they are sick too and if that woman is you, I feel that I am the right man for you so read this ad and reply. (And that's right, all these women are reading Craigslist as well.)

VITAL STATS
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 160 lbs (7% body fat) Hair: Brown w/gold hi-lites (Dude, he has highlights? I don't want to be dating/married to a guy who spends more money and time on his hair than I do.) Body type: Athletic. I have a firm tummy and I do 100 sit-ups daily. (I hate guys who refer to their stomachs as "tummies". That's a little kid word, and we're all grown up now.)
Eyes: Brown
Facial Hair: clean shaven (most of the time)
shoe size: 9.5 (Is this so we can gauge penis size as well? He has small feet. Then again, feet size really make no predictor for penis size because I used to go out with this guy who was 6'4 and had size 13 feet, and his penis was not reflective of this at all.)
IQ score: 122 (a score between 120-140 means you have superior interlect, Above 140 makes you a genius) ("superior interlect", yet he cannot spell. Guess that's why he's not a genius.)
favorite color: green (Jade green, like on the Irish flag. That is why the letters are green!!!!) (I pondered over this one for awhile. There was no green anywhere in the post. It must be that superior interlect kicking in again.)
sign: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY!!!!! My birthdate is March 13, 1978 so you figue it out. (Dude, astrology is fun, especially if you are into over-analysing and procrastinating.)
Faith: Christianity (Penacostal)
Ethnicity: Ready for this one? OK! Cherokee Indian, African, French, Irish, and Portuguese.
Favourite city in the world: VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA (Why is this in all-caps? Is he from Canada? I don't like Canadians.)
Favourite country that I have visited: Australia!!!!! (Canada is a close second)
Best country in Europe: France!!!! (French people and all Francophones worldwide rock!!!!) (Ahhh, my eyes, too many exclamation points. French people actually suck. French culture, namely French food, on the other hand, is unparalleled.)

"JE SUIS FIER DANS MON SANG FRANCAIS!!!!!!" (He's not even all French. Not even half. Well, I guess he could be half. But he's probably not even that much French. What's wrong with him?)

Languages I can speak: English, Spanish, and French (Shouldn't he be listing French first, since he's so proud of his Frenchness?)
Languages I am learning to speak: German, Portuguese, Italian, Russian, Romanian,
and even Mandarin Chinese. (By learning to speak, he better really mean it. Because I know people who claim to know umpteen languages, but they can't say anything more than hello, thank you, and the names of different food dishes in the various languages. Because if we're counting by this latter strategy, well, wow, I know like 20 languages.)
Smoke: no
Drink: yes
Drugs: NEVER!!!!!! I prefer my IQ score to stay at 122 or even higher if possible. (Stop bragging, you moron. 122 is not brag-worthy. Also, IQ measures nothing. NOTHING.)
Favorite music group: Depeche Mode Favorite type of music: Industrial (Rammstein, Front 242, Gravity Kills) I also like British-style Electronica like Ladytron (if you know who Ladytron is I will be SUPER impressed!) and I like listening to Sara McLaughlin, Enya, Sinead O'Connor (I think female Irish singers have the most beautiful voices) and Bjork (not Irish)
Music I Hate: Country, R&B, Boy Bands, Britney Spears and Britney Spears rip-offs (i.e. Shakira and Pink) and any music of such genre. (i.e. Ricky Martin, Mark Anthony, 112, and R. Kelly). (This is one big party-pooper we're talking to here.)
Favorite animal: Dolphin (Koala is a close second) (What kind of dumbass category is this? It sounds like something random Watch Boy would ask me.)
Favorite book: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. I like to read books on self-motivation. For example, books written by Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, and Marta Monahan. Also, I like The Courage to be Brilliant by Marta Monahan. (People who read self-help books of any sort should seek real help. I understand reading one or two. But when they make your "favourite books" list, you know you're in trouble.)
Dogs or Cats? Dogs, big ones. I do not like little toy dogs or stupid dogs (like dalmations). (I bet this is because big dogs are "manly." I also bet that secretly, he likes "stupid dogs".)
Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla because chocolate is fattening and bad for your health. (Seriously. Total buzzkill. Chocolate is not fattening in small quantities, and studies have shown that dark chocolate contains more antioxidants than many berries. So take that, Mr. I-Wouldn't-Know-Fun-If-It-Hit-Me-On-The-Head.)
My original hometown: Rolling Meadows, Illinois (30-minute drive from Chicago)
Liberal or Conservative: Conservative (anti-abortion) (I almost stopped reading at this point. Anti-abortion? I don't believe that any guy gets to even have a say in the abortion debates, but that's just me.)
Political Party Affiliation: Independent (However, I support more conservative issues) (Fucking Canada-loving Republican.)

WHAT I LOOK FOR IN THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND (Please note the usage of the word "perfect". Jackass.)
Turn-ons:
1. Women who are trustworthy, feminine, and have good hearts and morals.
2. Women who can count the number of people she slept with on ONE HAND. (You'll get EXTRA points for that) (But if you count like I do, which is that each finger represents three (look at your fingers. Note the creases for each knuckle. See how there are three spaces? That's how I count), then you can sleep with up to FIFTEEN people and still be considered perfect!)
3. Women who can appreciate what a good boyfriend has to offer and never takes a good one for granted.
4. Women who love to travel and experience life. I would love to be able to see new places for the first time together, have fun together and to experience things together. A woman should also be my best friend as well as my mate. (He wants one person who will fulfill all his various needs. What pressure. What a control freak.)
5. Eyes. The eyes are my favorite place on a woman's body because they are the gateway to a woman's soul. I love to just stare into a woman's eyes for hours communicating a million words at the speed of light without making a sound. When it comes to outside appearances, I am more attracted to the eyes than any other part of a woman's body. I really do not care too much about the other places. (Bullshit he doesn't, because if he didn't he wouldn't have listed his personal stats, and he also wouldn't have posted a picture where he is (unfortunately) shirtless. Plus, guys who constantly stare into a girl's eyes are creeeeeeepy.)


HERE IS MY LIST OF TURNOFFS:
1. Women CAN NOT be stuck-up, arrogant, and have a conceited attitude. (It's OK to be a bitch once in a while to some people but not to everyone you meet) Those women will NEVER earn my attention and/or respect! (I am all those things, and YAY! I will be ignored by the poophead!)
2. Women who say that they have "experienced everything" and have "been everywhere" and say that they are bored with that and want to settle down. (Hello, isn't he the one advertising for a wife?) There are a lot of things I haven't done in my life that I would like to do and it just ruins the mood when a woman says "been there, done that, I got bored and now I'm done doing it." That makes the woman seem like she is better than me and makes me feel less about myself.
3. Women who do not do their fair share in making a relationship work (i.e. Gold diggers bimbos, and fair-weather girlfriends)
4. Women who have a lot of emotional baggage and lots of drama. It's OK to have some issues, (I have issues too (no shit)) but if a woman is suicidal, in need of psychiatric help, therapy, or needs prescription drugs to control her issues, I probably would not be interested in dating her. Drama queens are definately a turn-off!!!) I PROMISE to be the most loving and caring boyfriend a woman could possibly ask for and my shoulder is ALWAYS available to cry on. (As a makeup artist my job is also to ba an amateure psychiratrist to assure that a woman is beautiful and to not put too much pressure on herself so therefore I can be a counselor as well as a boyfriend, I don't mind that) (What the hell? He's a makeup artist? Notice that in his opening salvo he says he's a financial services representative. What happened?) However, I shouldn't have to spend 24 hours of my busy, busy, busy days keeping a razor out of a woman's hands so she won't slash her wrists with it!!! (He's a busy man. Really really really busy.)
5. Women who are constantly around her guy friends or groups of guys but never with her girlfriends. It's OK for women to have guy friends, I'm not jelous but I shouldn't have to impress a woman's male friends just to date her (I had those problems in the past where I had to go through the guy friends just to get to that one. It is not worth it.) (Someone has an inferiority complex!)Also I just think it is weird for a woman to have a lot of male friends and hardly any female friends. (WHY?) A woman should have more girlfriends than guy friends. (I repeat, WHY? Where is this mysterious rule book is such a thing dictated?)
6. Women who use their bodies to impress people, no matter how pretty they are. (I repeat (again), he has posted his BODY FAT PERCENTAGE. I don't need ot say anymore.) I feel that the value of your brain should match the value of your body. Also, if a woman's body is not perfect, that's okay, however, no woman should EVER overcompansate by saying thoughtless things like "My big fat body is the hottest thing on the planet, etc." That is false confidence and that is NOT SEXY!!! That also shows just how shallow a woman is and that she has nothing better to say about herself that "My big black booty attracts all da brothas" If you need an example of what I am talking about, look at the guests that appear on Ricky Lake or Jenny Jones. I DO NOT DATE RICK LAKE GIRLS!!! A woman like that is just as bad as a Playboy centerfold walking down Rodeo Drive with her fake-looking Barbie-doll body saying "My fake boobs make me more beautiful than you!" Think about it. That is ignorant and all that does is put other people down and we are living in a time in which we should ALL love one another AND accept the fact that we are ALL different and being different is not ugly. The fact that we are all different is what makes us ALL EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! Impress me with your mind, NOT with your body. (There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn't. I cannot stand his hypocrisy. The guy lives in LA. Fakeness is a way of life.)
7. Women with no morals, self-worth, or values. See below for examples.

EXAMPLES:

- Pot-heads and women to go to raves every weekend just to get high. Also I NEVER date women with a coke habit. (I met one once and she turned out to be a scumbag) (No siree, he doesn't stereotype.)
- The type of women who can not use their fingers to count the number of people she has slept with, that goes for women AS WELL AS men. I would prefer it if you used only one hand to count the number of people you slept with but that might be asking too much. (By the way: I can) ABSOLUTELY NO PORN STARS!!! I believe that sex is a sacred ritual of communicating how much you love and care for your partner and how committed you are to the relationship and if any woman can not respect that, I don't want to date her. (Really, I'm so relieved that I don't make the list. I'm glad he's slept with fewer than five people. He's also probably one of those guys who overdramatises sex and makes it boring. By elevating it to a "sacred ritual" also makes it creepy.)
- The type of women who can not control their swearing and swear in every sentence. It is OK to swear every now and then but too much swearing is a turn-off because that is not lady-like and is an example low-morality. (NOT LADYLIKE? Seriously, where is this guy from? What is wrong with him?)
- The type of women who use the "P" word to describe their private area. It is very disrespectful to themselves and shows a lack of morality and perversion. I don't mind if a woman says that word once in a while but if I hear the words "My p<<<< - The type or women who has had more one-night stands than relationships, or who has had more sex partners outside a relationship than inside a relationship. - Athiests. Automatic rejection. No Exceptions. THat goes for cult members as well. - Any woman that has ever cheated in a relationship is automatically disqualified from being a potential girlfriend. Women like that are scumbags that deserve absolutely NO RESPECT!!! There is a lot more to me than one would think. I do not want to come off as a nit-picky guy (Wait, I can't stop laughing. Really, my stomach hurts) but I want to show you that I have a very deep and complex personality and I am not shallow by any means. (HAHAHAHA.) There is a lot more that can write about myself, I just merely scratched the surface. (There can't be more. There was already too much.) I will be looking forward to hearing back from you.

------

Too bad y'all can't see his picture. He says he's 5'11, but in his picture he looks like a midget chipmunk. I bet this guy makes the girls he dates (if he can even find one - oh wait, sorry, he only wants marriage) wear chastity belts.

GREEN CARD Marriage! Please help! Thanks - 27

I have to say, I'm positively fascinated by those people who post on CL wanting to get married so they can get their green cards. But here's a twist on that ol' standard:

Hi

I am looking for a green card marriege as soon as possible. My situation is very sad. Me and my girlfriend went home for Christmas in Europe. I stucked here in Europe but my whole life left there. My girlfriend could travel back and she is taking care of my situation. I really love her and I need to get married with an american lady as soon as possible If I wanna see her again!!
I am really very sad!

Please help If you can!

I am willing to pay anything to get my life back!

If you travel to get married with me in Europe the whole situation is going to be simplier! I can get the TEMPORARY GREEN CARD within 2-3 weeks! If we get married in the USA I have to wait 12 months!!!

Well, If you are looking for a green card marriage and you want to earn money and you dont want to wait 2 years to divorce PLEASE WRITE ME!!!
Our marriage gonna be half time!!!!

I can give you my girlfriend telephone number and you can discuss the details with her or write me If you have any questions!

Thanks

I am waiting for your answers!!! I really appreciate your help!
Please! I NEED MY LIFE BACK!

Johnny

I really want to know why he's not able to travel back to the US. I mean, you only need a green card if you plan on living here for an extended amount of time (or so I believe, I could be wrong). If his "whole life" is in the US, and he didn't have a green card, then how did he manage to set up his life? Can't he just fly back to the US as a visitor and figure stuff out then?

But enough of these questions. Let me just point out that this guy wants a girl to FLY TO EUROPE to marry him there, and bring him back so he can be reunited with his girlfriend. It's a very interesting proposition.

Bald Boy aka Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Part 5

You asked for it so now you have it. After he dropped that big shoe, things were pretty boring with bald boy. When I don't see him, he calls.

Earlier this week during one of our conversations, he apologized for being distant lately. Ummm ... we've been dating for about 3-4 weeks. How was I to know he was being distant? I just thought he was being a guy. He said he had a lot of things on his mind and wasn't sure if he was ready to share. I took that as an open invitation to pry. What else could there be besides his dysfunctional family, the court-ordered anger management, and the sister in the vegetative state? (Why did that just sound like the storyline from a soap opera? Oh yeah, because my life is so filled with soap opera-like elements, I do not feel the need to actually watch them.)

So here is this week's revelation. He is a member of NA. Do I let him stop there? No way. I'm nosy. I had to know what his drug of choice was. I then pointed out that as an addict, he really shouldn't drink.

Oh, and for those of you wondering, I will be going out with him next on Saturday night. I can't just walk away. There are way too many potentially interesting stories involved in this.

Probably the best five minutes of your CL time could be spent here...

You know, there is such a thing as too much information. Intrigue is good. So is humour, but people can be picky about what they find funny, and this guy's style of stand-up might not be it.

It’s important that I be as honest as possible in this post, so instead of writing it all on my own, I’ve asked my Mom to help. What follows is part of the transcribed phone conversation:

“Oh, he’s a very handsome boy. And intelligent, too. Oh, and he’s so funny! Just don’t stare at his nose for too long...”
“Mom, my nose is just fine.”
“Well, anyway, he’s looking for a good woman who will cook, clean, and do all the housework-“
“Mom, that’s not what I’m looking for!”
“Whatever, dear. Preferably a woman who has good child bearing hips. No toothpick model types, no sirree!”
“Umm…thanks Mom...I think…”

I think that’s enough – don’t you? I would’ve asked my Dad to give his input, but after deleting all the profanity…well, it would've lost its meaning.

Okay, honestly, that’s not what my parents are like. My dad only swears in a foreign language, and my Mom is quite friendly and likes all the women I bring home. Actually, she just likes that I bring any woman home. She’s desperate for a grandchild, you know. But enough about her, time for more good news about me. I like sponge baths and rubber duckies. I generally prefer them with someone else, but will sacrifice and go it alone if needed. The baths, I mean, not the duckies. That’s just sick. I love to cook (again, not rubber duckies), love movies, billiards, play time, and people watching. My hidden talents include friendly sarcasm, doing nifty magic tricks, and setting the time on a VCR.

Brief description time: I’m about 5’8”, have an olive complexion (okay, I’m an arab), have a goatee, short hair, and incredible dark eyes (or so I’ve imagined). I have a slightly larger than normal honker, but it’s placed precisely in the middle of my head for easy identification. No, I don’t live with my parents, but I do live with two cats who know they need to keep me alive to keep them fed. I’m an atheist, but non-practicing, so you won’t hear me preach about it. I actually have great respect for people who have a deep religious faith – but only if they’ve been able to question it. I like to think I’m funny, but most people just think I’m a big goober. I say flush them all down the toilet!

I’ve had one long term relationship, and probably not enough short ones. I've even had some dates as a result of posting on CL. I promise not to go into great detail about any of them. I find that I have very few specifics as to what I look for in a woman. I definitely want someone who can laugh. Not some silly little giggle, but that really lets it out. Laughter is the healing factor of all life. But please have good teeth, because there is no way I can stand watching you laugh and your front three teeth are missing. It just isn’t right. And don’t let my Mom fool you – I’m not picky about child bearing hips - just don't be someone who orders a Doube Quarter Pounder & fries for Breakfast, lunch, and dinner (with a Diet Coke, of course). Oh, and please be between 20 & 30, and please be 5’8” or shorter, and for goodness sake (and this is important), please have a sense of humor!

Ummm…that’s all for now. That’s probably too much, but I enjoyed it anyway. If anyone wants to chat, you can try to catch me on IM under screen name [redacted] (on AOL). Or just send me an email if you’re too shy to chat. You’ll also have to trust me when I say that I’m not getting deluged with responses to this, so don’t be afraid to say “hello”. Against my better judgment, I have added some pictures to this post. But please keep the enthusiasm down when you see what I look like – people are already staring at you…I’ve also including a picture of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Draw your own conclusions from that...

Standard Disclaimer: No moms were hurt in the making of this posting. Some pigeons may have been, but no moms.

Post Addendum: On the rare occasion I get a response to this posting, I keep getting asked why I’m posting on Craig’s List and what it is I’m looking for, so here’s the answer: This is the corniest thing I’m going to write in this post, but I want to be in love – sparks flying, butterflies in the stomach feeling, dancing in the streets kind of love. And I’m attempting to find this elusive thing on Craig’s List because I seem to no longer possess the knowledge of how to meet new people. Okay, that’s a half-truth. I meet new people all the time, but I don’t know how to move onto the next level because really, who does? So basically, this is the surreal way of doing things, in a world that seems to have become surreal.

Post Addendum Addendum: It’s been quite some time since my original posting of this ad, and I have learned some things from the people that have responded, so here are a few additional comments if you are thinking about responding (or if you're not, but have amazingly read this far):

• Although generally tongue-in-cheek, this post is pretty close to the truth. I do have a Mom & Dad.
• Being as humble as possible, I know this post is pretty funny (which was the purpose), but it’s not necessary to stress over what to say in a response because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing while trying to be funny. It took me a while to come up with this post, but I honestly don’t expect anyone to spend more than 5 minutes on a response. Okay, maybe 5 and a half minutes…
• Don’t think I’m a wacko for including my screen name – I’m a wacko for other reasons. Actually, I believe that people are more likely to respond on an impulse, rather than if they have to think about it. Hey, if you don’t want to respond, I’ll never really know. Well, I'll know, but we'll just keep it between us.
• If you've made it this far, you should be ashamed you haven’t already responded. Or at least be just slightly perturbed.

I don't think it helps that he looks like a sketchy middle eastern rug salesman in his photos. And he's making all sorts of weird faces - that DEFINITELY does NOT help either. (His nose is rather large, too.) Plus, one of his photos is of a bowl of fruity pebbles in milk. What gives? Is he a fruity pebble? Methinks he is!

There are so many things that can be analysed here, but I am too tired to get into it. So I leave it up to you..