More bad responses

I keep harassing Scarlett to post the responses she's gotten, but she says she has yet to "feel inspired." I know she's gotten some doozies and is just being mean and not sharing them with the world. That's fine. I have more. I really like the ones where they don't really read what you write.

Ok...I'm a dozen years older...is it that big of a deal?

I put in as a qualifier that I'm not looking for anyone more than a decade older than myself. This is because it's just weird (to me) to even potentially consider dating someone who was born in the 1960s. That's just too old for me, even if I'm not looking at dating any of these. This was also to screen out for any dirty old men - there are more than enough dirty young men than I alraedy want to deal with. So yes, a dozen years older, unless you are Michael Vartan, is indeed too old. I should have told him that. Shit, what if it was Michael Vartan?

So about me:

I like sports, trips to a dive bar for happy hour, dancing, travel, movies, and cooking. In addition, I also like to play music, (I play the bass, guitar, drums, and piano), write emails with lots of parenthesis, sailing, hanging out with my friends in L.A. for the evening to see what trouble we can cause, I love going to baseball games, and all around gangster shit.

Things I don't like are going to the grocery store, the beach (too much sand and no shade), hiking, camping, fishing (pretty much most outdoorsy dirty crap like that), and George Bush.

The kind of girls I am attracted to have varied quite a bit. But typically, I like girls who are my height or shorter, I don't care that much about weight (I typically don't like girls bigger than me though, but I am always open to trying new things), and honestly I have found I like girls who are a little ugly (if that makes any sense). I don't really like HOTT girls for some reason (maybe its there vain personality).

I consider myself pretty smart, I have two bachelors degrees (but that doesn't mean shit), and I like girls who can keep up with me in conversations. But I don't like quasi-intelectuals who bore you with anecdotes from literature or art.

So, with my bio complete I hope you will write back and tell me I am crazy, or you think I am cool.

You're crazy honey. Crazy. 1) You cannot spell. Obviously neither of those two bachelor's was in English or anything where you would have to write sentences or spell. 2) So if by some random freak accident we met and you were attracted to me, I'd have to wonder if I wasn't as attractive as I thought I was? That's a way to get a girl to respond to you: if you're ugly, I'll like you! 3) HELLO. I said in my ad that I LOVE THE BEACH. 4) "All around gangster shit." I can't even begin to comment. 5) I am an intellectual (not a quasi one) who will bore you with anecdotes from art or literature. That's what I do.

Btw, this guy's pic was of him in bed, with the sheets pulled up to his moronic-looking face. That's to cover up the fact that he's fat. And the look on his face - he looks dopey. I only wish I could post it.

Hi,

I'm 32 and apparently I just made the cut, sheesh! My friends would say that I'm sarcastic and critical...I would say that, "I kid because I love". I'm 6' tall and love to "banter" and am looking for a sassy side kick to explore the world with, first we'd have to settle with LA. So, email me, we'll do dinner and coffee and see what happens :P

First of all, you signed off with an emoticon. One where you're sticking your tongue out. Secondly, "see what happens"? No thank you. And finally, you look like you were an unwanted extra on The Sopranos. I think I spy hair plugs.

my ex was 22 Im cute white 40 and over 6ft 4in tall is that ok

NO you are a dirty old man! Your ex could have been your daughter. Oh my God was she?

Hey now, My name is R-- I saw your listing on craigs list and you sound like a great person to meet.

Hi my name is R--; I am a 37 Year old white man in the LA area. I am 5'11" with black hair and blue eyes I am told often that I resemble an athletic young John Travolta. I am a fitness buff with a terrific body and in incredible shape.
I am successfully employed in the Entertainment Industry working for one of the Media Giants.

I would love to talk to you. I prefer to talk over the phone rather than the web site or email tags so I would like to get your number or ask you to call me if interested in meeting.

Please email me your photo, name and number to [email address]

Or if your prefer to call my number is 213-XXX-XXXX

Thanks

R--

OH MY GOD I wish I could post pictures. Suffice it to say - thank the LORD that they are both so pixelly you can't make out details, because from what I can tell, he looks like one of those old-school Mexican wrestling dolls which are the main decor of a bar I sometimes go to combined with a scary person from a Goya painting. And finally..

hi white male 30y/o 5'9'' ddark hair br eyes 32 wasit picture avilable...175lbs 32 wais,,glk guy looking for some nice to hang out with
hit me up let's ta;lk

I daresay, I think he was drunk when he wrote this.

Bad responses, part I (of many)

Examples of pathetically annoying responses to the ad I put up on Craigslist. Cut and paste replies, no reference to the ad at all (which is why I'm not writing what I put in it, just yet). I have to wonder if anyone actually reponds to these, other than telling them to return to grade school to work on their writing. My favourite ones are the guys who just send their pictures and nothing else, as if their photo alone would sell me on them. But I don't think it's fair to post their ugly mugs up, so I'll settle for text ones.

Hey you...

I'm game for some drinks... I live in Bev hills about 10 min from the grove.....About me... for fun i go to lots of fun parties and live an active social life in LA, but I'd love to take you out on a fun date.. i went to a top college and work in biz development out of entertainment... for fun i go to lots of movies premeires, golden globes, Playboy ESPY party is most recent.... where do u live... i live in bev hills... id love to meet for a drink 2nite... why dont u email me your # and pic and we can go from there :)

ciao bella,
B

Really, I don't know what to say. Obviously, he knows how to capitalise letters, but does so sporadically, which is just confusing. And it's impressing nobody when one uses 'u' instead of 'you' and '2nite' instead of 'tonight.' By the way, it is impossible in LA to get to any part of Beverly Hills in 10 minutes from The Grove (an outdoor shopping area). Big fat liar. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe Scarlett received the same email, but the guy's name was "P", not "B".

And I would love to know what is a 'top college.' I was very tempted to write back and ask that, but sometimes mysteries are better kept that way.

Hi! I just saw your profile on craiglist.org and I thought I'd drop you a line in the hope that we could get to know each other. I'm single, male, 23, and living in Orange County. I'm honest, intelligent, educated, humble, romantic, sweet, funny, attractive, respectful, courteous, etc...essentially I'm a great guy.

I enjoy music, traveling, investing, taking walks on the beach, having amazing conversations with people, photography, reading, learning, animals, etc... my interests are fairly broad.

I'm 5'11", caucasian, and I have brown hair and eyes. I have a pic of me if you'd like to see how I look, but I ask that you send me one of you first and I'll reply with mine.

Judging by your profile we have a lot in common and I think we'd get along well; we may well be perfect for each other! Anyway, I'd love to hear back from you when you have a chance to write!

Well goshdarnit, he's humble! Ha ha ha. I also like how he likes everything, and is everything. Mass appeal, I must say. The best part, however, is that he sent this email to me twice. Maybe he thought that two is better than one, and it would make me want to reply to him that much more. I mean, we might be perfect for each other! Obviously we would be. He likes everything, remember?

Hi my name is E--. I am a single 21 Male from Beverly Hills CA.
I am 6 foot 3 brown hair brown eyes muscular and glasses and a nice butt.
I am fun out going loveing and careing and a great guy to be around. I can be reached at 310-xxx-xxxx. I am allways a gentlemen. I enjoy playing tennis and golf. I like to experience new things in life. I would love to get to know you. Please give me a call back.
Love,
E--

Oh my! He's already signing his emails with 'love'! My heart flutters. Too bad he doesn't know how to use commas. That would just send me over the edge.

HELLO THERE,

I LIKED YOUR POSTING,AND THOUGHT I WOULD DROP YOU A LINE TO SAY HI,I AM A 26 YR OLD MALE IN GOOD SHAPE,LIKE TO HAVE FUN,I AM REALLY LAID BACK,DON'T SEE THE POINT IN DRAMA OR LYING,TREAT PEOPLE NICELY,I RUN MY OWN BUSINESS SO I WORK PRETTY HARD,BUT LOVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,IF YOU LIKE MY PIC I WILL TELL YOU MORE,BYE

I'm sorry, I can't read that. All caps gives me headaches. And he doesn't see the point in treating people nicely? Hmmm. And one last one..

All these women are gross. Hot women don't post on here, they don't need to. It's only ugly chicks on here, don't waste your time!

that is what someone placed a ad, that us men read, why would someone be so mean, and waist there time, I don't think this person is normal and told them so, I think that the women of my dreams is on this site, so I am sending my photo if you think I am possible your type, would you send me your photo back, please send to [email address], if you do send your photo back, I will send you anohter message telling you everything about me. Why would some guy put something out like this, can you beleive him, what a weird guy, how would he know what anyone looks like, he must be weird or something,. Anyway, I have a great sence of humor, hope you like my photo.

I had to read and reread this email multiple times, and I'm still not quite sure what his point is. Is he trying to be funny (and failing miserably) or is he just stupid (distinct possibility). And in his picture, he looked like Johnny Bravo. I don't know how I feel about dating cartoon characters. They're so awfully two-dimensional.

More bad e-mails tomorrow. I promise. They're funny. If only I could post the attached pictures, but that would be mean. Suffice it to say that I'm attempting to lower my standards as this isCraigslist, buuuuut... they can't go that low, it's impossible.

Let's be honest here! - 31

So, I'm actually not going to start with the tales of the first personals ad I placed, but rather one I answered. It's all the same. Making fun of people, that is. Here are snippets from the ad:

I'm a SWM, 31, 5'10", 175, athletic, attractive, employed, stable and looking for someone...

Female: There is no gray area here. You either are or are not. And the same box checked since birth.

Age: Your real age, not what you they guess you to be, or when they carded you last, or what age you like to act out, or the equivalent in dog years.

Height: Just not as tall as I am.

Weight: Proportionate with your height. If you question this, then just send your height AND weight, I can determine for you. Note: any weight you send will automatically be calculated at 10 pounds higher until proven with a photo.

Educated: See height, if you can do that math problem, its a plus. More points if you can read through this. Remember the basics from grade school? Reading, writing and arithmetic.. those still count.

Independent: I want you to want me.. but not 258 times a day by phone and email.

Honest: Please tell the truth, tell me about yourself, not about your friend or your cousin or the person you wish to be. If we get along, we'd have to meet eventually, so why not just put it all out on the table now. And if we don't like each other.. then we'll just say so.. and go our separate ways, no hard feelings. The truth is brutal but I think I'm ready for it.

Refreshingly honest, I thought. And Oh My God he can spell, capitalise properly and has correct grammar. And he has a biting sense of humour! Impossible! You can never find such people on Craigslist! So I had to answer.

I should have known better. I responded in kind to his email, and this is what I got in return:

Thanks for the reply. It's funny how many negative responces I got back from this. In all hoesty I just sent this out because I was bored and was curious to see what responces I would get back. I do believe what iw rote, but it is a little funny.

I like the fact you not to PC. I too have a tendency to say things that make u go hmm. Also, I'm not a real big fan of camping either. For some reson all the bugs just seem to know I'm comming.

Btw. I no longer have the goatte

Pardon me? What happened there? What happened to the spelling? Comprehesion of the English language? I mean, seriously, he must have paid a native English speaker to write the ad for him, given the high pathetic level of his response. Doesn't he need to meet his own qualifications of education before demanding it of girls he wants to meet? Why, I daresay he didn't even understand a quarter of my email, the big words must have been too perplexing for him. His "things that make u go hmm," must be - wow, this guy can survive the day without being beaten up?

Ah, first appearances are deceiving. Such a pity.

I am so tempted to write back, in a "brutally honest" manner, and ask what in the hell happened to his typing skills. If you're trying to impress a girl, misspelling 'reason' and 'coming' aren't a good way to start.

And he looks like an oblong version of Mr. Potato Head. That didn't help matters either.

And so it begins..

We get bored at work. Very very bored. With all this free time on our hands, what to do? (No, working is not an option.) There are only so many shopping websites and restaurant reviews a girl can peruse before wanting to buy out all of Los Angeles and spend whatever is leftover on a number of good restaurants.

Well. Seeing that we're both single and very eligible ladies, obviously thoughts turned to finding a guy. However, meeting guys at work, at least for me, is nigh upon impossible. Every place I've ever worked has been primarily composed of females. I don't know why, it's my dumb (bad) luck. And it's not like you really want to date guys out of the office anyway. And you can't go trolling for guys during lunch... so.. well, that left online personals.

Oh! But not in a serious way! Pleeeeease. I'm rather old-fashioned, I like to be set up through friends. Actually, come to think of it, most of my relationships in the past happened that way. The ones that didn't were one-night stands. Hmm. Perhaps a bit coincidental. But there is no reason that I can't have a little fun - as I've had in the past - with online personals. And this time, I can even do it guilt-free! (Even though I had absolutely no intention of going out with any other guy at the time, it still felt vaguely unfaithful to be placing personal ads - even in jest - while I was dating fuckwit.)

However, if something happens to pan out... riiiiiight.

And so we turn to our old friend, Craigslist. Most other dating sites require that you post pictures and you have to pay to email people. That's just silly. But not lovely CL! No, it is a bastion of anonymity.

So perhaps, we might've started placing personal ads on Craigslist. Semi-serious ones, so that guys couldn't tell that we were pulling their legs off the bat. And we might have gotten responses. Funny responses? Potential responses?! Ridiculous responses? Illiterate responses?

Oh yes, we received all that and more.

Thus the formation of this blog, because how could we keep all this amusement to ourselves?

Let the games begin, I say. All bets are off. It's open season.