Own your very own Man Pet! - 35

I'm wondering if this is the same guy as the Tarzan guy. My comments in italics.

OK, you've tried a fish tank, a cat, and a dog. All great pets, but something is missing. Allow me to indulge in a comparison with a popular pet, a bit of a bake off you might say. (Note: bark off might have been more clever and a propos.)

Things a dog can do, and so can I

• Sit.
• Be loyal.
• Long walks.
• Fetch a Frisbee or tennis ball (not with my teeth, so no slobber).
• Stick my head out the window while driving.
• Be house broken.
• Low cost (single meal a day and water is fine with me). (Only one meal a day? What's wrong with this guy?)
• Keep your feet warm in winter.
• Get fixed. (Does this mean he's had a vasectomy? Or that he's willing to get one?)
• Run fast, but not up/down the stairs.
• Follow you around. (I hope not obsessively, like our stupid dog.)
• Enjoy head petting and hair brushing.

Things a dog does, but I don't

• Chase other dogs, cats, or cars.
• Bark (could if you want me to I guess).
• Go to the vet.
• Sniff butts or crotches.
• Drink toilet water.
• Sleep on your bed while you are at work. (This means he'll stay home while I'm at work? What's up with that?)
• Pee/poo someplace other than in the toilet. (If only we could train our stupid dog to do that.)
• Lick my own genitals.

Things a dog can't do, but I do

• Be short or long haired.
• Shower/bathe daily.
• Remove my own fleas/ticks. (I really hope he doesn't have any.)
• Do chores (windows, toilets, dishes, laundry, whatever).
• Put up a better fight against intruders (i.e. call 911).
• Faux boy friend to ward off all the other strange men. (Wait, so he's not looking to date someone? Why is he posting on this board?)
• Dance (well, at least I can lead).
• Open a pickle jar.
• Brush your hair. (Aw, I like it when other people play with my hair.)
• Answer the phone, and take a message.
• Drive a car.
• Rent movies.
• Can do laundry and fold clothes.
• Play tennis and putt putt golf.
• Conversation.
• Cook.
• Cuddle (OK, maybe a dog can do that).

While I'm not exactly offering myself up as your slave, however, this is an opportunity to be the first on your block to have a man pet. Why settle for a lesser species when you can own the top of the food chain. I'm available for immediate placement, so bring me home today. By the way, my ID tags say "Single White Male 35."So, if you want to take me for a walk, let me know.

It's cute, not as clever as the Tarzan one, but in the same vein. Another question - since he's advertising himself as a "man pet", does that mean that I'd have to support him financially? Note how none of his "abilities" says that he'll take a girl out to dinner or for drinks. And is he homeless and will he be moving in with me? These are very serious questions that must be answered. And if someone (ahem, Dagny) wants to help me craft a response, that would be awesome.