TRY BEING MORE JUDGEMENTAL. IT'S SO SEXY!

This guy is obviously looking for a good fight.

Oh my god you are so sexy. It's not your boobs, it's not your hair, it's not your sexy, bedroom eyes. It's the way you look me up and down, throw your nose into the air and say "I am sooo much better than you" and waddle off the bus like you're Paris fucking Hilton. It makes me so horny I can't even speak. It makes me want to get down on my knees and share my feelings with you. It makes me wish I could kiss your ass and give you all of my time, energy and money for the rest of my life. My god, what I must be missing by not having you in my life day in and day out!

He is missing a great deal not having me around.

Seriously, women. Get over yourselves. We know what we look like, and we know what you look like, and everyone who doesn't live in a movie knows it doesn't matter. There is no state of being pretty enough to "deserve" anything, and as a matter of fact, you get uglier every day. We might still be willing to fuck you, but trust me, we notice your bad attitudes. Your beauty is only there to get you noticed, not make us love you. Remember that.

I do deserve stuff. Sheesh. And he's a bit confused about the aging thing. I know that I get better looking every day.

Also, quite frankly, possessing a vagina doesn't make you smart. You're about 1/10th as bright as you think you are, and, in terms of the things that really matter, you might be a complete idiot and no one will ever tell you.
There is only one life to live, and all the rights in the world won't produce a man on god's green earth that wants to care about a pompous bitch. I'm trying to help.

The vagina is the result of the two x chromosomes. It is these chromosomes that may make me brilliant. The vagina is merely evidence of their existence.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that being a bitch is a bid for equal rights in a nasty world. But if you're serious about love, you better consider the fact that you might not be anywhere near as good at it as you think you are.

I know you're thinking "who the hell do you think you are?" -- but it really doesn't matter. If you're thinking that, you can't be helped anyway, so leave the men alone. The bottom line is, women, you have no genuine control over us, and you never will. The best you can do is go shopping. But shopping for men is not like shopping for a new purse. We're as silent as the mirror on your wall, but we see you judging us. And we're judging you right back.

Hmmm ... I have no control? He must love his hands a great deal.

The funniest MSW AD in the WORLD

I'll admit it. I am drawn to the ads that read like novels these days. It gives you much more room for commentary.

If you are going to put the effort of placing an ad you should take the time to write one that reflects who you are and the type of person that you interested in meeting. Many other ads seem to be placed by wealthy Mensa member Brad Pitt look a likes that are addicted to acronyms like SWM seeking G/D/E/ @###. This ad is mostly free of acronyms and tries to paint a picture of who I am and who I am looking to meet. If I can help it I do not jump out of airplanes onto a motorcycle. The reason that I chose to try Craigslist is because my other method of meeting women, randomly honking them on the street has not been working. Perhaps if I was in a car it would work better.

So you are sitting in front of your computer at work or at home reading the personal ads. You might be actively looking to meet someone or you just think that they are fun glimpse into the psyche of the Bay Area.
The women of this city have so many choices of ads to respond to so I wanted to make this ad fun to read and easy to respond to.
So I have come up with a few questions to make responding to this ad easier than renting office space in Soma.


(Per recommendations I have placed the questions near the top of the ad to make it easier for the Craigslist Public to respond to these questions)
______________________________________________________________________
Also if you think, I really liked this ad but I am not going to take the time out of my dashing life to answer a bunch of questions for a person that may not be my type (we all have a “type” of person that we are attracted to and there is nothing wrong with that) simply respond by saying, “I liked your ad but before I take time out of my dashing life to answer all of your silly questions send me a photo (the one of you and the dog that is not yours,) so I can determine if you are my type and thus we save us both a good deal of time.

And I do not care if you are simply responding to get the picture of the dog. The dog that is not mine is a really cool dog.
________________________________________________________________________

You: Do you smile more times than not? Are you happy person?
Question: What is the most appealing thing about you when someone sees you for the first time? Has known you for a year?

Question: Describe yourself to someone that needs to pick you out of a crowd of people (Not really a question)

Question: What motivated you to 1) read the Craigslist personals? 2) Read my ad? 3) Respond to my ad? Any Crazy Craigslist or Personals stories?

Question: What is your favorite Holiday and why?

Question: What is funny to you?

Question: The stigma of “We met on the Internet” has died down as of recently but it is still fun to make up a bit of shared personal mythology on how we met. We are at a swanky Cocktail party and I meet your friends for the first time. How would you tell them how we met?

More questions if you are the type of woman that thinks, “Random strangers simply do not ask enough questions of me!”
1) If they made a movie about your life what type of movie would it be?
2) What is the best part about living where you live?
3) If you had to recommend a book, a movie and a CD to me what would you suggest?
4) What is the funniest thing you have ever done?
5) What makes you smile?
6) On an airplane are you a window or aisle?
7) What is in your CD player now?
8) If you could hang out with the characters from Seinfeld or Friends what would it be?
9) You are flying to Austraila. What movies would you want playing?
10) Describe your ideal first date with someone you meet via the Internet.
11) How active is the word “Hella” in your general vocabulary?

Bonus Points Do you play Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit?

Bonus Points: Send a photo of yourself (not required but remember, you get bonus points!)

Double Bonus Points: If you have a pet send their picture too.

Tell me how you would you use these bonus points.

About me I am a 34-year-old white male I have black hair and brown eyes with broad shoulders. If David Spade is your idea of the ideal man then I am not the one you are looking for. I love dogs but own the coolest cat. Currently my favorite band is Cornershop and I am hoping to have Tom Jones and Neil Diamond to tour together. I like to read and go to Java Beach.. I enjoy quiz night and Oakland A’s games. I am monolingual but I am in the process of learning Italian as I hope to travel there next year. I have screwed up toast and melted butter on separate occasions but I make good shellfish. My favorite city abroad is London and my favorite American city to visit is New Orleans.

An example of a funny thing that I do is I take down the phone number of payphones at baseball games. I then step away from the phone and then dial it using my cell. Watching people stopping to pick up the phone is always funny.

If you respond to the ad I will send you a photo with a dog and me. The dog in the picture that I would send is not mine. He is a very cool dog. If you want I can send another photo with me on a pyramid. If you do not like animals then you may not want to respond as I like dogs and cats.
OK and what about you…

Age: I am 34 years old so the youngest you can be according to the half your age plus seven rule is 23.5 but I prefer women that are at least 26. If you’re interested I can show you the brilliant math, which will win me a Nobel Prize if it’s a slow year in Math.

The basis for this age range is that each person should date someone that has the same memories of Saturday Morning Cartoons as your own. One thing that bugs me is that cartoons seem to be replaced by third rate teenage sitcoms/soups about starting a rock band in high school in California.

Geography: I am seeking someone that is geographically desirable to North Beach as I work there and thus am in the neighborhood quite a bit.

Here are some random facts about me and some likes/dislikes

I do not like it when you go into a public restroom and not only do they have those electric hand dryers, someone chooses to save electricity and sets the thing on low so you give up and then wipe your hands on your pants and you cannot look cool with wet marks on your pants.

I do not like over ripe bananas.

My favorite show is The Office on BBC America.

My favorite albums of all time are Blood on the Tracks, When I was born for the seventh time, Pet Sounds, Super Fly Soundtrack and the White Album.

I like smaller movie theaters (I will choose the Balboa over the Metreon). They have double features.

Big fan of quality randomness.

My favorite place to go is Java Beach in the Sunset.

I have a black and white tuxedo cat. If you are allergic to cats or you want to steal cats please do not respond.

I like bars or clubs where one does not have to fight to get to the bar to order a drink. Bonus points if they have couches.

If the weather is nice during football season I would rather be outside doing something than hanging around the house watching the game.

Dogs like me. If you have a dog then you will get bonus points. You will also get points if you have a cat.

If I have to go to a grocery store I would rather go to Trader Joes.

I like coffee places that offer refills. I also like it when they have couches.

When I go to one of those places that have one of those self serve soft serve ice cream machines, I put on all of the different toppings. I do not go to these places often.

All used books stores should have a cat. It just makes sense. Or a dog.

I like day baseball games. Especially weekday games on a sunny day.

Farmers markets are a good thing.

Instead of a dream car I go on a lot of random trips.

I think women look good with glasses. Black rimmed classes are even better.

My favorite English Football team is QPR (bonus points if you can tell me what that stands for)


I think accents are sexy.

I like carnivals but do not like carnival rides.

Used to have a fear of red jello and a current fear of being locked into a porta pottie..


As far as cooking I make really good shell fish but somehow managed to screw up the melted butter.


Even though I have been living in the Bay Area for several years I still think the way the sunset over the pacific and reflects on the ocean is beautiful. (I am not going to say I like walks on the beach as I do but this ad is generally a cliché free ad)

My favorites authors are Douglas Adams, Zadie Smith Nick Hornby, John Irving and Kurt Vonegut.

When I first moved to the Bay Area I thought North Beach would have an actual beach.

I do not know how Airplanes fly.


I am more attracted to teachers over Strippers.

All of my knowledge and opinions on current events is based on theonion,com.

INTP but I am outgoing.

I have the theme from the Dukes of Hazard on my iPod.


I enjoyed writing this ad and getting a response from you will make me smile.

So in exchange for responding to my questions you will get a picture of me and a dog (that is not mine but is a very cool dog). I will answer any crazy questions that you may have.

Tell me random things about you.

You get bonus points if you send a photo of yourself but it is not required. I do not know what you would do with the bonus points anyway. Try to get a discount at a bookstore or something. Or if you are traveling you can tell the gate agent that you have bonus points, Let me know if that works.

He actually included a picture with the ad too. The dog was cute -- a white fluffy thing like Gloria likes. That's all I'll say about the photo.

Incredibly dashing swain looking for dreamboat cutie pie (Karate Sex). - 25

I am sort of amused by this ad. I don't think I should be, but I am:

I'm a Midwestern transplant, originally from the Chicagoland area. After finishing up my bachelor's I settled in Boston to work doing electrical engineering. Benefits to dating me:

1. I make a decent amount of money. That doesn't mean I'll spend it on you, but it does mean that monetary issues will never dominate the relationship. In other words, we can eat at the Olive Garden all seven days of the week, baby. No Taco Bell. Unless you want it, and even then, we can get A LOT of Taco Bell.

2. I own my own car. If the mood catches us right, we can copulate (fuck) on the hood. I doubt that will happen though, since females and my Catholic upbringing have made me incredibly insecure, meaning that I'd never bring up the possibility for fear of being rejected, and if you were to bring it up I'd feel incredibly guilty and embarrassed (and end up just jerking off to the fantasy in my shower).

3. I enjoy black humor. By that, I mean not Bernie Mac or any of the "Original Kings of Comedy," but rather, jokes about ethnicities, sexual orientations, sexual perversions, and children who've been killed by serial killers. It's okay though, because I am ethnic (you'll have to guess which races!), I have friends who are gay (and who love it when I mock them for coming out of the closet and making such hard choices in their lives), am sexuality perverted (see: 2), and have dominated (killed) children*.

4. My friends are awesome, but none of them live in this city. My friend Frodo** in New York is a writer who knows lots of other famous writers, and sometimes, he'll call and tell me the fun things he does. Anytime he calls and tells me what famous rockstar he had dinner with just to rub it in my face while I watch a Miami Vice DVD, I promise I'll relay the story to you! My friend Bilbo*** owns a casino and can eat thirteen lobsters in one sitting! No friends in Boston means all of my attention will go towards you and cable television.

5. I have my own condo, with no roommates. This means we could have dirty anal sex right on the floor of my kitchen without the drummer of some shitty band I'm forced to live with walking in on us. Seriously. I can be balls deep in your ass for hours without anyone seeing us (unless being watched turns you on and is something you're game for, in which case, see: 2).

If you're interested in meeting for sodapop and cuddling, please be female. I will be male. If you wish, we can meet in a parking lot somewhere, and I'll do as many push-ups in front of you as I can before you decide to go anywhere with me. I'll probably respond to any responses which include pictures much quicker than I will just text. This is because I will be able to tell if you are sexy from your pictures (if they're recent). It's okay if you're not sexy, because sexiness is subjective, and don't take it the wrong way if I don't respond. That just means you either need cosmetic surgery, or you need to send your photo to other Craigslist posts, ones like SKINNY BWM NEEDS A FAT FUCK or WANT METH? SWAP FOR BLOWJOB (FACIAL). Those people may very well be able to offer you things I cannot.

All I want is a woman I can be proud to show on my arm at TGIFriday's (we will go there days of the week other than Friday, if that is your desire).

Oh. About me. I'm large build, about 6'3" feet, 230 pounds. Half Irish, and half Italian, half Dutch (I know that's three halves---my penis is huge). I have hair and eyes (2), and no facial blemishes or herpes or anything like that. My friend Jim says I'm a "sexy beast," whatever that means. I don't know the too-cool-for-school lexicon these days.

*I have not killed children. This was an example of black humor. Time to huff paint!

**Not his real name.

***His real name****.

****That is a joke. Let's kill children to gain power!

See? There's something amusing about it.I'm really not sure what. Maybe it's because my work is so non-amusing. Or unamusing, if you like. However, he's an enormous person at 6'3 and 230lbs, and probably could crush me by sitting on me. So we'll skip this one (too).

Wear your Pajamas 2 A FOUR STAR - 40

There are those days when I never feel like getting out of my pajamas..

Ok, I am bright, athletic, professional, PhD, Earthy Crunchy for a scientist, whitty...and off beat. I am fit, 6-1, 210, brown hair (hey, on the spur of the moment I got a buzz cut yesterday, so who knows if it matters).

I like doing things that interrupt everyday reality....it makes for a fun date.

Here is my latest interest:

1. We have never met
2. We are going to dinner
3. We are going to a nice expensive restaurant in town.
4. We are going to meet "there." So, how will we know each other....

WELL.....We are probably going to be the only two people in restaurant who have shown up for dinner IN THEIR PAJAMAS, BATHROBE AND SLIPPERS (sorry no "bed head" or curlers please).

Since we are having dinner in the heart of the city, we will be picked up afterward, by that nice coach driver with the white horse....and we will trot over to Newbury Street.

So, here is the question for you: What should we either throw to or shout at the people on the side walk...as we trot by? I was thinking maybe we could throw Mardi Gras Bead Strands or something like that

Caveat: If you are one of the Pic4Pic Pixies...it's past your bedtime...Just assume I look like Shrek or something. I used to look more like Nick Nolte...but imagine him with a buzz cut? HORROR!...Well, it's day 2, so I am starting to think I look alright and I have stopped wearing the baseball hat in the house and on the street. :-)

I am poetic. Are you?

I'm sorry, he looks like this, but with a buzzcut? Or he looks like this? I mean, I don't know what's worse. And yes, while I do love wearing my PJs everywhere - there are limits - in other words, not outside of your house. Although once I did wear my nightgown with a long coat over it because I was supposed to pick up my friend at the airport and I figured that I wasn't going to get out of my car - but of course, I ended up having to park and wait for her, so if you were at Logan about a month back really early in the morning and saw some nutcase walking around in just a coat and flipflops even though it was only 50 degrees or so - well, that was me.

It would also be funny if he got kicked out of a restaurant for doing this. At one of the restaurants my friend and I went to in New Orleans, they required all guys to wear sports jackets. It was so much fun to watch the startchy maitre d' just look at the tourists with polite disdain. And yes, if guys wanted to dine there, they had to don a sports jacket if they weren't wearing one, no matter what else they were wearing.

But I digress. This guy is so bizarre, I have nothing more to say about him.

Any hot girls in cowboy hats?? - 24

Boston is really boring when it comes to interesting ads. But that's because this whole city is boring.

I like hot city girls in cowboy hats. if you own one thats a start. email me and we can exchange pics or whatever it is people do after replying to these things. i wanna get to know you. me and my friends are very fun. im a recent grad very good looking and very normal now working and abusing multiple substances on the weekends. got a photosite too. not a creepy close up pic most weirdos take with their webcam

I make fun of girls who wear cowboy hats out. While there are appropriate occassions where wearing a cowboy hat is okay, these occassions are few and far between. One time one of my exes wore a cowboy hat out, and I made fun of him non-stop To His Face, because I am ruthless like that. But girls who wear cowboy hats out... I'm just like no. You look stupid. But obviously this guy here doesn't care. And he's even normal, eh? HAH! "Normal" by CL standards, perhaps, which means in the real world that he's one of those people with whom you just don't want to walk on the same side of the street.

The Serial Poster in the flesh

Please explain this ad to me. I was thoroughly confused. Then again, maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's almost 8 PM and I'm still at work.

Here is a fan letter in which she refers to "ex-model" I think you might enjoy.
-
Dear Serial Poster,
Just got back from an excellent day of skiing at Heavenly! I thought I wrote you this morning, thanking you for the picture (that wasn't winning, I just need a picture of you to display in my coffee mug :)...but it doesn't show that it sent....so thank you. I am curious...your post last night, about the guy I was talking about....you wrote it just a few minutes before I wrote to you....that's crazy....you were thinking the same thing I was....great minds think alike :-) . You were not that hard on him...hello...who is that stupid...did you see "Napoleon Dynamite"....remember the uncle that did all the foot ball stuff...that is just like this guy...he wasn't attractive then...wonder what he looks like now:0 Maybe I should reply to him with something like this: "Drop dead sexy, ex-hair model (I did a hair show ONCE), 5'9", I once weighed 113lbs, I was a virgin at one time...a little over 20 years ago, I also tried out once for a part in a movie AND almost got it. I am stuck in a long distance relationship with someone...well a couple "someones", they are out of town...now living in San Quintin (it really is a nice area), looking for company, someone to walk on the beach with, someone to be my soul mate, help me pay bills and maybe have dessert (I LOVE whipped cream!!!)...I am clean....every third day after I shower....but really...I do still have all my teeth...well at least it looks like I do, when I don't smile all the way...."I think he needs to kick his own ass for being so ridiculous!!!!
It's been a pleasure as always!
Signed, Biggest fan
-
So as you can see I'm not the only one in the melting pot of diatribe.
Glad to have you sista!
-
I love this guys ad. It rules, (sound of me bowing down) Here you go....
-
"Sexy Macho Latin Lover wants hot Chica - 32"
-
Hola Chicas,
I am Rico, and I look for women who can handle my fire. Fire from the thrust of my hips and my huge manhood. I love hot cars and even hotter women. You would like to ride in my Z-28, yes? It is flaming red and hot like my manhood. I can teach you the sexual Rumba, and your head will explode like a hot tamale! You will scream, “Jesus Christo! My head explode like a hot tamale!” But no, not Jesus Christo, it is Rico that make you scream when your head explode like a hot tamale --from red hot salsa manhood you become slave to.
You think they tough in East LA? let me show you tough. I drink gasoline. I eat metal appliances. I shit on homies from East LA and they say, “Oh no, it is Rico, come to East LA to steal our bitches and eat our metal appliances.” And yes, I steal the bitches and all burn up in the fire of hot Rumba passion, making your head explode like a hot tamale.
I show you machismo. I drink homies gasoline and drive away in my red hot Z-28 and all homies say, “Oh no, Rico drink our gasoline and drive away with our bitches.”
So, if you look real nice and you like hot picante in your panties then we get together and have a real good time.
RICO
-
- Ok that is sweet. It's not vote for Pedro, it's vote for Rico!
The Serial Poster

I'd love to post the photo, but Gloria won't let me.

Travis Bickle seeking Jodie Foster - 32

I thought that I would keep the movie theme of recent weeks going. I also felt this was especially appropriate as the San Francisco International Film Festival kicks off this week.

...well, not really. But if you got this far, you know about cinema and have a twisted sense of humour. That scores five points.

MOI

I value three things in myself and my companions: a sense of history, a sense of tragedy, and a sense of irony. That tempered with an agile wit. I like a good joke, especially a dirty one.

Vocationally speaking, I work in the film industry with very off-Hollywood, independent material. Before that, I toiled on the Farm for an elusive PhD in literature.

Besides film, I have a wide variety of interests that are de rigeur for a thirtysomething San Franciscan but rather boring to enumerate (music, literature, crack cocaine, etc.).

I won't be so vulgar as to disclose my stats but I am slim, fit, dark-haired, bespectacled, and women have referred to me as "unbearably cute". I can dig up a photo if you insist.

TOI

I don't dig "types" or endless bullet point lists of qualifications. However, it would be nice if you were cute, between 25-40, and a patroness of the arts.

If that sounds like you, don't hesitate to drop a line. If you can send me your photo (or at least a titillating description), I would be most grateful.

By the way, I would like to meet my online friends in person sooner or later but I hold no expectations beyond stimulating conversation (nor should you).
Oh ... and I was frightened the minute I read "Travis Bickle."

Play my game, "Crazy Cock Eyes", and win $100! - 29

Can you tell I have a lot of paper-writing to do? That's when posts appear aplenty.

Step right up, Step right up! Play my game, "Crazy Cock Eyes" and you could win $100.

Here's how the game works, you and I meet and you have a period of 2 hours to make me cum and make my eyes go crazy cock eyed as I'm cumming. If you can make me cum within that 2 hours you win $100. If you make me cum 2 times in 2 hours then you win the bonus prize of $150. My job is to resist you and prevent my eyes from going crazy cock eyed. Step right up and have some fun!

This week's winners are:

Mandy Cullers from Branford, CA just won $100!
Deborah Savvy from West Hollywood, CA won $100!
Denise Hunt of Westchester, CA won $100 just today!
Lanie Cartwright of Glendale, CA won the bonus prize of $150 by making me CRAZY COCK EYED 2 times in 2 hours!!

Try your luck at "Crazy Cock Eyes" today!

Hm. It's like, I don't even know what to say. Now, while I'm not expert on the male "refractory period", I don't feel like getting him to get his rocks off twice in two hours should be that hard of a task? And seriously, to post real names - I really hope that that's a made up list and not actually stupid girls who fell for this.

Is this ad also posted by the same game guy, but since he's a year older he decided to change the "game"? I mean, then at least he gets laid/blown/whatever more often.

SeekingAngryDepressedFeministW/TonsOfBaggage+DelusionsOfGrandeur - 25

Here we go, I've found a winner.

I've been in love twice.

The first was my high school sweetheart. A budding feminist and gay rights activist she filled me with questions that turned my world up side down. And she loved me, in her own patronizing way, despite the fact that I was a straight white male; after all I couldn't help the way I was born.

She never knew her father, she hated her stepfather. During the course of the year we dated she dumped me twice.

When we finally broke it off for good she came out as a Lesbian and dated a woman for three years.

We tried to be friends until she told me never to call her again.

Eight years after our first kiss we have that kind of deep loving friendship that normally only close siblings share.

The second was a girl I met while working in a grocery store post college trying desperately not to move back home. A depressed, angry, needy chameleon with dreams of becoming a rock star. As happy with hippies as hob-knobbing in NY. Her mother died when she was young and she hated her whole family for how they dealt with her in the aftermath. She hated her father most of all.

She was kicked out of Smith, she was careless with money, she wrote venomous poetry, she fooled around with other girls, she did a stint as a stripper in LA, she loved Maui and was always looking to get away.

Her love was ruthless. All-consuming and honest, it was perfect. In the end she walked down a path I didn't have the courage to. She took another lover and my jealously was ultimately unquenchable.

And that brings me to today, 11 months later. I am enjoying a nice stable new relationship with a nice stable Ivy educated girl. She had a wonderful child hood, she loves both her parents and they love her and they love each other. She has wonderful siblings, wonderful roommates, a wonderful job, acceptance letters to wonderful grad schools, etc. Her future looks healthy happy and productive.

She has a good heart, good taste in music, good friends. She is good to me and she is good in bed.

And yet she does not tug at my heart strings. She does not inflame my passions. She does not call me into the fire. Hence this post.

Are you the next love of my life? Do you fit the description in the title?

I want to have my world rocked again.

I promise you nothing less than true love.

To top it off, he attached pics from Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes/Leonardo diCaprio version), Indecent Proposal, and Moulin Rouge, along with a quote from the first movie, "my only love sprung from my only hate". To say this guy has issues is definitely understating matters. Destructive love is.. well, destructive. And painful. And so goshdarn melodramatic that it gives me a headache.

I'm tired of being admired for my mind. I want to be a sex object 40s

Passionate - m4w

According to the last psychologist who tested my IQ I am in the top mil or thousandth 1/1000 of the population. Argghh! Please help me escape from that bad news into the wonderful world of hot primal lust again. Whenever some lovely woman compliments my intellect it seems that I am expected to be grateful. It also seems to mean that I am not going to get physical. I am attracted by a variety of ages and styles of beautiful women... Could it include a woman like you?

Having an overdeveloped intellect is like having an oversize set of breasts or penis. The desired person of the opposite gender too often takes one look and says "WOW then WHOA" and then walks away to avoid you. Thoughts arise that interfere with joy. "That is unusual" then "Can I relate to something that large". "Can I get my arms around that" "Will it get too deep" or "What position can I take with that" But hey honest ;-) My IQ drops when I am around beautiful women.

I do not want to be called a genius I want to be called to your bed. I would rather not be thought of as a walking encyclopaedia "a brain" by some woman. I would rather be thought of as her pillow "a tongue" just for her. I do not want women looking up to me as a scholar. I want for me to be looking up to you literally while you ride me like a cowgirl. I don't want to be thought of saying things like "why is there air?". I want to be thought of as saying "houmpf help let me khurf come up for air". I do not want to be remembered for my thoroughness thinking of permutations to a problem. I want to be remembered for the thoroughness I pay to your body. I do not want to win playing Trivial Pursuit against five people again. I want to pursue you naked around the bed. I have a mind but I also have wit and a body. Each time that I have had a lover they have found it worth while. Let us put our books and the internet aside. There are other things to research and explore. What feels best skin on skin. That is as important as what ideas work best. If you respond to this I am sure that you are unusual yourself. Please plan a few days in advance. Let us go from being erudite to being monosyllabic. More... slow... fast... here.. there... Ahhhh... Please contact me I cant guarantee that I can please you but I do want to amuse you.

Thanks for the great response and I have had a lot of fun exchanging emails. I do hope that a few of you will take the time to go beyond email exchange and meet me in person.

One disappointment has been women who having seen my family pictures refuse to meet me because though my father and half sister are blondes my mother is not White.

Positive v-words

v-word QUAKE - did it rock you too ?

v-word SUGAR - any girl want some ?

v-word FEELS - yes, from the heart !

No, I don't know what v-words are, perhaps because I'm not as smart as this fellow here. It's just too bad, isn't it.

I was going to digress into a whole discussion regarding IQ, but I won't because quite honestly I'm sleepy and don't feel like it.

But, I do have a really simple solution for this guy, who is tired of being appreciated for his brain and wants to be appreciated for the prowess he brings to the bedroom. Stop talking about your IQ. Look at how easy that was!

Can I Toss Your Salad?

As a Chris Rock fan, I just had to post this one.

Tall, clean-cut, good looking, fit SWM here...

You supply the salad...I'll supply the dressing and some

If you've got a cute small or round butt or curvaceous ass? Hit me up!

Ummm...the answer is no.

Academic Boys Can Deliver Everlasting Frolic - 26

Genuine Heroism Is Just Knowing Love. Mindful Nobles Offer Peace. Quiet Reveals Simple Truths. USA Vents Wanton Xenophobia. You? Zen.

It took me awhile to figure out why this one was reading so weird. At first I thought it was the poster, and that English wasn't his first language or something. Then I started looking for code words or a subliminal message, because I'm all suspicious like that. Then I realised that he was just being stupid and that it wasn't anything exciting at all, as is the case with so many posts of late. How am I supposed to be funny and mean if I don't have any material?

Artist Looking for a Female Benefactor - 35

Ah, well, here's an offer no female would ever be able to pass up.

Honest, handsome, in shape, very gifted male artist is bridging the gap between art and business. There are numerous business opportunities for me as an ambitious artist. I'm seeking a woman who is willing to look at the opportunities at hand and invest in my situation. Additional and discreet personal benefits are available to the right person. Please be open-minded. I don't drink or do drugs and am very focused.

If you can appreciate this situation and are able to assist through an investment of at least $50K, which will benefit you financially, please send a pic and I will respond.

Serious inquiries only please.

That's right. $50K. Do you want to see it spelled out with zeros? Okay. $50,000. He wants a female to invest a big freaking chunk of money in him. Actually, I don't know if that's so much an "investment" as it is "chucking money out the window". And it's not so much benefiting the benefactor as it is benefiting him.

Additionally, I'd like to know what these "numerous business opportunities" are that require so much money. Does it, say, involve stuffing cocaine behind the frames of his canvases for overseas exportation, à la The French Connection? I'm so curious..

GET PAST THE FIRST THREE SENTENCES. - 30

Look! It's a dare! Can you get past the first three sentences?

I drink from the carton. I fart with discretion. If absolutely necessary, only under the most tenable of circumstances, I may even pick my nose. That said, I'm fairly handsome guy. I have good hygeine. I shower daily, floss and wash under my armpits. I don't work out but I've been consistently playing basketball at a high level for most of my life. Which means my body is pretty much perfect. Although I do have a heart shaped blemish on my left shoulder and one middle finger is about 1/16 of an inch shorter than the other. I also have large Cro Magnon hands which allow me to hurl small boulders at would be attackers.
Yes, I have a career. Yes, I'm happy with it. Is it my be all end all? Not sure. I don't think the future is concrete and one should be open to any possiblity or opportunity.

Intelligent women turn me on. Ignorant women turn me off. I hope you approach life with some sense of purpose and style. You should also have relatively good hygeine. I'm not into women with hairy armpits, unless, of course, you're French. That's excusable. American women already have too many issues and I'm willing to endure them all, but profuse body hair is just not cool. I also hope you have the right values and can appreciate life for its ups and downs. Not just the really exciting parts. Physically speaking, just be in relatively good shape. I'm not saying I have a sex chair or leather swing but I don't want to have to give you an oxygen pump after walking up two flights of stairs.

Remember this, everything you've just read means nothing if there is no chemistry, that all important elusive vibration that makes two people, one.

Be patient. Be supportive. Be present.

I sound like a chick!

See, my problem is that I got past the first three sentences - and kept reading. Fairly handsome - in whose opinion? His mother's? No mother is ever going to call her child ugly - at least not to his face. A perfect body from playing basketball? What if I don't consider basketball bodies perfect but prefer soccer players or swimmers? Hmmm? I do like that he pointed out his hand size - I'm sure it's supposed to be a sly allusion to his penis size, but rather, it makes me think that he hasn't fully developed into a homo sapiens, but is rather caught somewhere betwixt our ancestors and how we are now. And if he doesn't want a woman with hairy armpits, am I allowed to demand that I want a virtually hairless guy? I'm so not a fan of the massive amounts of fuzz some guys have, and I feel that since he has Cro-Magnon hands, he might have Cro-Magnon body hair EW! His ego obviously hasn't evolved from a neanderthalish state, and thus, I'm not going to be patient with, supportive of, nor present for him.

YOUR MOTHER AND I AGREED - YOU SHOULD STOP DATING PSYCHOS!!! - 37

I am very sorry that the following ad is in all-caps, but that's the way this particular guy wrote it and I like to give y'all the full impact of his words.

WELL, THE QUANDRY THAT IS MY LIFE CAN BE DESCRIBED AS FOLLOWS... I'M TRUELY A DYNAMIC FIGURE, INTENSE MULTITASKER AND EXTREME IN EVERYTHING I DO. I OFTEN REMODEL TRAIN STATIONS ON MY LUNCH BREAKS MAKING THEM MORE EFFICIENT IN THE AREA OF HEAT RETENTION. I TRANSLATE ETHNIC SLURS FOR CUBAN REFUGEES, I WRITE AWARD WINNING OPERAS, AND WOO WOMEN WITH MY SENSUOUS AND GODLIKE GAZOO PLAYING. I'M A HIGH ALTITUDE WOOD CHOPPING CHAMPION AND AN UNDERWATER CARD SHUFFELING SHARK. I'M AN EXPERT IN STUCCO, A VETERAN IN LOVE AND AN OUTLAW IN PERU. USING ONLY A HOE AND A DIXIE CUP OF WATER, I ONCE SINGLE HANDEDLY DEFENDED A SMALL VILLAGE FROM A HORDE OF FERROCIOUS ARMY ANTS. I PLAY BLUEGRASS CELLO, I'M THE SUBJECT OF NUMEROUS DOCUMENTARIES AND ENJOY URBAN HANGGLIDING. ON WEDNESDAYS, I REPAIR ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES FREE OF CHARGE. I'M AN ABSTRACT ARTIST, A CONCRETE ANALYST AND A RUTHLESS BOOKIE. CRITICS WORLDWIDE SWOON OVER MY ORIGINAL LINE OF CORDUROY EVENNING WEAR. I'M A PRIVATE CITIZEN, YET I RECEIVE FAN MAIL. I BAT 400, CHILDREN TRUST ME, AND I CAN HURL TENNIS RACKETS AT SMALL MOVING OBJECTS WITH DEADLY ACCURACY. I POSE FOR TROPHIES, I KNOW THE EXACT LOCATION OF EVERY ITEM IN HOME DEPOT, AND I'VE PERFORMED SEVERAL COVERT OPERATIONS WITH THE C.I.A. I DREAM WHILE SLEEPING IN MOTION. I BALANCE, I WEAVE, I DODGE, I FROLIC, AND MY BILLS ARE ALL PAID. I'M A MASTER IN FULL CONTACT ORIGAMI. I'VE WON BULL FIGHTS IN SAN JUAN, CLIFF DIVING COMPETITIONS IN DEATH VALLEY, AND SPELLING BEES AT THE KREMLIN. I'VE PLAYED HAMLET, PERFORMED OPEN HEART SURGERY AND HAVE SPOKEN WITH ELVIS. I ONCE READ PARADISE LOST, MOBY DICK, AND WAR & PEACE IN ONE AFTERNOON AND STILL HAD TIME TO BUILD THAT ADDITION. MY DEFT FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS HAVE EARNED ME FAME IN INTERNATIONAL BOTANY CIRCLES AND I'M A CHEF BY TRADE AT THE ETHEOPIAN CAFE. MY SPECIALTY IS A CHICKLET AND A PLATE OF DUST.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF B.S. BUT HOPEFULLY YOU SMILED AT LEAST ONCE WHILE READING THIS - IF SO, I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU AND SHARE SOME LAUGHS!

SO, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE.... I'M SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GIRL, WHO IS SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GUY. (BONUS POINTS IF YOU LIKE TO GO BIKING, ROLLERBLADING, HIKING, PLAYING TENNIS, RUNNING ON THE BEACH ETC.) YOU SHOULD BE TRYING TO CREATE A HEALTHY BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH INVOLVES SOMEONE SPECIAL. PLEASE BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE AND ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN A "REAL" CONVERSATION. WE WILL GET ALONG GREAT IF YOU HAVE A SARCASTIC SENCE OF HUMOR, A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON LIFE ARE CLOSE TO YOUR FAMILY, HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE TRULY PASSIONATE ABOUT, ARE SPONTANEOUS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - ABLE TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE.

NOW OBVIOUSLY SINCE I'M ON THIS SITE, I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE HOW I MEET A SWEETHEART OF A GIRL, JUST AS LONG AS I DO. SO, IF YOU THINK WE'RE ON THE SAME TRACK, BUT JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT; THEN DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND SEND A PICTURE WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I CAN PUT A NAME WITH A FACE.

MY ONLY 2 DATING PREREQUISITES ARE THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF BLACK SHOES. (I HAVE A WONDERFUL MOM, FIVE SISTERS AND TEN NIECES, SO I KNOW THIS IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FROM 99% OF THE FEMALE POPULATION.) AND YOU SHOULD POSSES THE INNATE ABILITY TO KEEP MY PLANTS ALIVE. TRUST ME, ANYONE CAN BE BETTER AT THIS THAN ME - I KILL EVERYTHING! SO, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU CAN PROVIDE ME WITH MY 2 HUMBLE REQUESTS, THEN I'LL PROMISE TO INDULGE YOU IN THE DELUSION THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING AND HUMOR YOU IN YOUR SCENARIOS THAT YOUR SYSTEMS SAVE YOU TIME. WHAT CAN I SAY - I'M A GIVER. WELL, I’M OFF TO GRAB A BITE SINCE I’M SO FRICKIN’ HUNGRY RIGHT NOW I’M STARTING TO SEE DEAD RELATIVES. UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP SMILIN', WORK AND PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, CALL YOUR MOTHER, AND HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE DAY!
CAZIMIR :)

Obviously, this is another LA ad. I have stopped reading the Boston ones because they are full of whiny mama's boys. But that's besides the point. Really, my mother and he agreed that I should stop dating psychos? Well, I think that I'll unfortunately have to pass on this guy too.

(And why does he want a female with an extensive collection of black shoes? True, I have my share, but really.. maybe he has a black shoe fetish. Weirder people are out there.)

SPERM SEEKING EGG - 36

Every time I turn around, someone is announcing that she is pregnant. The other day at work I was pondering whether this was some sort of virus or something. (My pregnant, very religious co-worker didn't like this comparison. Huh. Go figure.) It seems the pregnancy bug has struck CL as well.

Hi ladies, I am a attractive, professional, swm with diverse interests, good heart, good sense of humor, etc. Only problem is, I am somewhat of a commitment phobe. Not in the sense of boyfriend / girlfriend, but in the legal, walk down the aisle, driving a minivan one.

Since I don’t have much problems attracting women, I could wait forever. Dating and dating and dating in hopes of someday finding the "perfect" partner. Even then, with a divorce rate of approximately 50%, the odds are just as favorable to marry someone with whom you have that "love at first sight" (aka Lust). So I figured screw it, take a chance and live on the edge and place an ad, not for another date, but for the mother of my children.

So, here is my idea. We email, talk, exchange pictures, send care packages, whatever, everything BUT meet in person for the period of one month. If the interest, attraction and intrigue is still there, then, on Memorial Day weekend, we meet and spend the entire weekend in bed making love. If we get pregnant, we take it as fate, get married and live happily ever after.

If we do not get pregnant, we continue to date and see where it goes but risk the chance of the cold feet syndrome setting in.

Sounds simple enough. And what a great story to tell our grandkids.

All that I ask is that you are a good person, intelligent and articulate, financially self sufficient, have more on your mind than the big sale at Banana Republic and fantastic if you absolutely love giving BJ's;-)

By the way, the Memorial Day weekend date is flexible to accommodate your period or vacation schedule.

Thanks for reading my ad.

Hmmm ... I've always wanted an interesting story to tell the grandkids.