YOUR MOTHER AND I AGREED - YOU SHOULD STOP DATING PSYCHOS!!! - 37

I am very sorry that the following ad is in all-caps, but that's the way this particular guy wrote it and I like to give y'all the full impact of his words.

WELL, THE QUANDRY THAT IS MY LIFE CAN BE DESCRIBED AS FOLLOWS... I'M TRUELY A DYNAMIC FIGURE, INTENSE MULTITASKER AND EXTREME IN EVERYTHING I DO. I OFTEN REMODEL TRAIN STATIONS ON MY LUNCH BREAKS MAKING THEM MORE EFFICIENT IN THE AREA OF HEAT RETENTION. I TRANSLATE ETHNIC SLURS FOR CUBAN REFUGEES, I WRITE AWARD WINNING OPERAS, AND WOO WOMEN WITH MY SENSUOUS AND GODLIKE GAZOO PLAYING. I'M A HIGH ALTITUDE WOOD CHOPPING CHAMPION AND AN UNDERWATER CARD SHUFFELING SHARK. I'M AN EXPERT IN STUCCO, A VETERAN IN LOVE AND AN OUTLAW IN PERU. USING ONLY A HOE AND A DIXIE CUP OF WATER, I ONCE SINGLE HANDEDLY DEFENDED A SMALL VILLAGE FROM A HORDE OF FERROCIOUS ARMY ANTS. I PLAY BLUEGRASS CELLO, I'M THE SUBJECT OF NUMEROUS DOCUMENTARIES AND ENJOY URBAN HANGGLIDING. ON WEDNESDAYS, I REPAIR ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES FREE OF CHARGE. I'M AN ABSTRACT ARTIST, A CONCRETE ANALYST AND A RUTHLESS BOOKIE. CRITICS WORLDWIDE SWOON OVER MY ORIGINAL LINE OF CORDUROY EVENNING WEAR. I'M A PRIVATE CITIZEN, YET I RECEIVE FAN MAIL. I BAT 400, CHILDREN TRUST ME, AND I CAN HURL TENNIS RACKETS AT SMALL MOVING OBJECTS WITH DEADLY ACCURACY. I POSE FOR TROPHIES, I KNOW THE EXACT LOCATION OF EVERY ITEM IN HOME DEPOT, AND I'VE PERFORMED SEVERAL COVERT OPERATIONS WITH THE C.I.A. I DREAM WHILE SLEEPING IN MOTION. I BALANCE, I WEAVE, I DODGE, I FROLIC, AND MY BILLS ARE ALL PAID. I'M A MASTER IN FULL CONTACT ORIGAMI. I'VE WON BULL FIGHTS IN SAN JUAN, CLIFF DIVING COMPETITIONS IN DEATH VALLEY, AND SPELLING BEES AT THE KREMLIN. I'VE PLAYED HAMLET, PERFORMED OPEN HEART SURGERY AND HAVE SPOKEN WITH ELVIS. I ONCE READ PARADISE LOST, MOBY DICK, AND WAR & PEACE IN ONE AFTERNOON AND STILL HAD TIME TO BUILD THAT ADDITION. MY DEFT FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS HAVE EARNED ME FAME IN INTERNATIONAL BOTANY CIRCLES AND I'M A CHEF BY TRADE AT THE ETHEOPIAN CAFE. MY SPECIALTY IS A CHICKLET AND A PLATE OF DUST.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF B.S. BUT HOPEFULLY YOU SMILED AT LEAST ONCE WHILE READING THIS - IF SO, I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU AND SHARE SOME LAUGHS!

SO, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE.... I'M SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GIRL, WHO IS SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GUY. (BONUS POINTS IF YOU LIKE TO GO BIKING, ROLLERBLADING, HIKING, PLAYING TENNIS, RUNNING ON THE BEACH ETC.) YOU SHOULD BE TRYING TO CREATE A HEALTHY BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH INVOLVES SOMEONE SPECIAL. PLEASE BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE AND ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN A "REAL" CONVERSATION. WE WILL GET ALONG GREAT IF YOU HAVE A SARCASTIC SENCE OF HUMOR, A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON LIFE ARE CLOSE TO YOUR FAMILY, HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE TRULY PASSIONATE ABOUT, ARE SPONTANEOUS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - ABLE TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE.

NOW OBVIOUSLY SINCE I'M ON THIS SITE, I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE HOW I MEET A SWEETHEART OF A GIRL, JUST AS LONG AS I DO. SO, IF YOU THINK WE'RE ON THE SAME TRACK, BUT JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT; THEN DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND SEND A PICTURE WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I CAN PUT A NAME WITH A FACE.

MY ONLY 2 DATING PREREQUISITES ARE THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF BLACK SHOES. (I HAVE A WONDERFUL MOM, FIVE SISTERS AND TEN NIECES, SO I KNOW THIS IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FROM 99% OF THE FEMALE POPULATION.) AND YOU SHOULD POSSES THE INNATE ABILITY TO KEEP MY PLANTS ALIVE. TRUST ME, ANYONE CAN BE BETTER AT THIS THAN ME - I KILL EVERYTHING! SO, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU CAN PROVIDE ME WITH MY 2 HUMBLE REQUESTS, THEN I'LL PROMISE TO INDULGE YOU IN THE DELUSION THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING AND HUMOR YOU IN YOUR SCENARIOS THAT YOUR SYSTEMS SAVE YOU TIME. WHAT CAN I SAY - I'M A GIVER. WELL, I’M OFF TO GRAB A BITE SINCE I’M SO FRICKIN’ HUNGRY RIGHT NOW I’M STARTING TO SEE DEAD RELATIVES. UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP SMILIN', WORK AND PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, CALL YOUR MOTHER, AND HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE DAY!
CAZIMIR :)

Obviously, this is another LA ad. I have stopped reading the Boston ones because they are full of whiny mama's boys. But that's besides the point. Really, my mother and he agreed that I should stop dating psychos? Well, I think that I'll unfortunately have to pass on this guy too.

(And why does he want a female with an extensive collection of black shoes? True, I have my share, but really.. maybe he has a black shoe fetish. Weirder people are out there.)