Shaken, not stirred - How lame can one get?

Apparently, pretty damn lame.

Here is a reply:

I'm 5'10", brown hair and blue eyes that can see into you. I'm clean cut and professional, my job demands it. I can cook, clean, and can do well with a hammer or screwdriver in my hand. You never know, you could have already seen me walking around. Was I be the guy in the jeans and t-shirt coming out of the coffee shop, or the guy just finished up that all important executive meeting wearing the best money can buy. Or was I someone else you didn't notice. This is not bull. And I am not bull.

Okay, that was a whole bunch of baloney, but the last line killed me. I couldn't help responding, "But are you bear?" Get it? Do you really? Bull and bear, stock market terms? I thought I was pretty damn clever. I still think I am, what a great pun that was, and I'm bad at such witty remarks. I must have said some other stuff, because his next response was:

I am an amalgam of them all. I can stand out, or disappear when I need to. That's why I said you could walk by me and not know it. I guess it is the cloak and dagger side of me? Am I a bear though? Actually yes I am. I am part Russian :) Sorry had to do it.

My first thoughts: Ewww. Hairy Russian. Ewwww. EWWWWW. YUCK.

I don't know why, but I wrote back to him. Oh yeah, I told him to tell me more about himself. And this is what I got:

I'm 24, 5'10", brown hair and blue eyes that can see into you. I am the guy that does not exist anymore. I have manners, I hold open doors, I say thank you, a guy who is willing to go the extra mile, the type of guy that only exists in the black and white movies. I can hold my own in a conversation and even start one that is not based on booze or sports (although I do like both topics). You can walk by me in the street and not even know it. I could be the guy in the jeans and t-shirt coming out of the coffee shop, or the guy just finished up that all important executive meeting wearing the best money can buy, whatever is called for at that time, I can do. I don't need to go out 7 nights a week, I'm happy curling up on the couch watching a movie, the Sox or whatever is on that sounds good. I can take a joke, be the butt of a joke, or dish it out when the time is right. No matter what, I will make you feel comfortable. I'm clean cut and professional, my job demands it. I can cook, clean, and can do well with a hammer or screwdriver in my hands.

I'm sorry, is he some sort of automated response system where he spews out the same baloney every time? This is not enigmatic or mysterious or whatever he's trying to be (and failing at), this is just plain ol' pathetic. He ceased to be amusing, so I stopped writing.

Shaken, not stirred - Lessons learned.

NEVER go out with a person without getting a picture of the guy beforehand.

Obviously, I responded to a couple of ads because I couldn't help myself - primarily because the guys were cute. Ah, shallowness, that would be me. Hey, I'm admitting it, I have nothing to hide.

But there was one ad that I responded to, without picture, just because I was curious. He said that he was getting a graduate degree in public policy in Cambridge - which immediately pointed to a KSG student. Awesome! I was excited! I had questions about professors there!

Poor guy. He answered a personal ad, and he got pummeled with questions about coursework.

Anyway, I digress. He was in NY doing an internship, and I was going to be down there for the week, so I suggested that we meet up. My roommate told me I was being a moron for not getting his picture first. I should've listened to him.

In the end, it wasn't his looks that were off-putting, although to be honest, had I received a picture I probably wouldn't have gone out with him. It wasn't even the fact that he was my height (with me having heels on) that turned me off.

No, it was the fact that he was a typical full-of-himself Harvard asshole that was the ultimate turnoff. Examples:

Me: "Yeah, I was looking at a class in educational policy."
Him: "You should take this negotiation workshop at the law school."
Me: "Hm, I'm not really interested in that."
Him: "Well, you should really consider it. It's a useful skill to have."

Let's repeat that: "It's a useful skill to have." That is what my father told me about medical school. If I wanted advice as to what I should be doing with my life, I'd just call home. I wouldn't go out on a date.

Me: "So, you're working at the UN? I contacted someone there about speaking on this panel I'm organising."
Him: "Oh, nobody at the UN really works except for a few people. My boss is one of them."

I'm sorry, what? Who made you the almighty overseer of determining who works and who doesn't? Incidentally, the guy we invited for the panel is chairman of the UN subcommission for the Promotion and Protection of Human Rights. I feel like he might do some work.

Me: "Where in Africa did you work? What the UN does abroad is really interesting. I had a professor who headed the peacekeeping operations in East Timor."
Him: "Oh, hrmph. East Timor is a peaceful place. I worked in the Congo."

Yes, but you were a lowly worker whereas my prof LED the mission there. And it is now a peaceful region because he helped make it so. Additionally, again, who made you the coolest guy on earth? Because you are NOT. Plus, that professor was so damn hot, and you definitely aren't.

The whole lunch was like this. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I didn't even let him pay for lunch because I didn't want to be beholden in any way, and you know that's a bad sign when I don't accept a free meal when offered. Hm, I don't know how this links to not getting pictures beforehand, but I'm sure that it does. Oh, right. See, had I been smart enough to get a picture from him, I wouldn't have to have been subjected to his colossal ego, and my day would've been that much better.

Being More Specific

So, I thought that I would try posting another ad. I learned from the last one what I had done wrong. Who would have known that the first man I would attract would be some drunken ass? (Well, given the fact that I was posting at 10:30 pm on a Friday night, I did think that I would attract some drunken fools. Isn't that the point in posting at that hour though?) This one takes the cake though.

In his first response, he accused me of being a gay man trolling for photos to beat off to. (He must not have seen the photos I received on the first round. Those photos alone have made me think that celibacy is an excellent idea.) I was going to cut him some slack, but then I noticed his gross grammatical errors. I just cannot excuse that. I had to inform him that, unlike what he believed, it was his job to impress me, not the other way around. His response to that? Read below...

oh and you do? have something to OFFER? Bitch you dont know who I am or what I have; judgemental cunt. This must be why you even have to post an add to get any attention from a male much less a man. Save it...freak you are fake, scorned and unwanted. As for spelling ...its called being drunk

I just pity the poor pathetic fool.

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who are too into James Bond for their own good.

Let me reiterate that in replying to an online personal, you should try to make a good first impression. You should also try to share something about yourself that makes the person want to write back. So maybe it was my fault that I threw in the James Bond reference, because some guys just focus on that to a perhaps extreme degree.

I'ma sweet and sexy SWM 38 looking for a you.WHY? because you quoted James Bond and I'm a big ol' James Bond geek.Well maybe not a geek ,per se,but an afficianado.

That's all he wrote. It does nothing for me. Not to mention he is way older than I am. If he had been an especially promsicuous youth at 14, I could be his daughter. Gross.

If you are the female James Bond... then can I be your Bond Boy, you can call me, Woody Galore...

Yuck! We don't know each other yet, don't be making jokes in those lines. Because as a stranger, you are just a pervert if you do so.

The game of choice for Bond is baccarat... do you know how to play?

Blahblahblah. Why don't you tell me something about yourself, not something I know already from watching all the Bond movies?

If your the female James Bond, then I am Q.

This guy might have to argue with this following one:

I'm more like "Q". I'm older and wiser than Bond. I have the gadgets that Bond needs and I can also put bond in his place when out of line.

That's all that those two guys wrote. All I can guess is that they want to start some sort of small debate, but that's not the point of answering a personals ad, is it?

The title of the post, alone, piqued my interest. (said with my best Connery impersonation)

So let me ask you these ultra important questions....................screw the "Whats your life story, stuff?" lol This is much more nitty gritty, need to know..........

1) If you were a female James Bond, what would your name be?

2) If you were a "Bond woman" what would your name be?

and finally.........

3) If you were a Bond villian, what would your name be?

Signed, From Russia With Love.

aka B--

I'm sorry, I think the life story is more interesting to me, especially as the guy didn't answer the questions himself.

sounds cool...so do you ski, hike, dive off of 800ft dams with a bungee cord (hehe)

"Hehe" right back atchya. I don't get what's with these one-line emails.

ok, Bond..... I'm the Man with the Golden Gun......

That's all he wrote too. I mean, really, what do you respond to that? Do you start digressing into plot points? Start quoting the movie? "We all get our jollies one way or another."

Wow "I thought christmas only comes once a year". Hehe I thought you would like that it is a quote from one of the bond movies. I have seen most of the bond movies but not all. If I have missed some it is the older ones.

Again, there is nothing to say in response. "I'm sorry, watch all of them first then talk to me"? And obviously I know my Bond quotes. Doofus. And the old Bond movies are the better ones.

Well may I suggest that we explore the possibility of a joint mission :

You be the female James Bond, and I'll be Agent Cody Banks, ur understudy....

Okay, so that was stupid too, but the guy was cute so I made some allowances for him (after pointing out that Cody Banks is only 12 and that hopefully he wasn't that young. He wasn't.)

Hello Agent 107,
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to discover, intercept, and extract information from a mysterious agent of the Revolutionary Avante Guarde. The individual you are seeking is a SWM, 6 Ft tall, dark and handsome mysterious man claiming to originally be from Boston. Please be aware that he uses fake accents, speaks in foreign languages and is ravishingly handsome. He has been spotted in exotic lands pretending to be on vacation, but we believe his home base is in or around the Boston area.

Approved tactics include magic spells, alcoholic truth serum, and any other womanly charms that you have trained in at The Academy. Please be aware that if your identity is discovered, we will disavow any knowledge of the mission and you will be all alone with this devil. Other agents have been known to lose perspective and enter into a dream-like state after initial contact, so be prepared for whatever skills he may have developed since he was first reconnoitered. ;-)

I was impressed, and considered writing him back, but ultimately I decided that it was just too overwhelming for me. And what sort of straight male uses "ravishingly" in a description? He's probably gay. After all, as one of my friends pointed out, "All the guys you like verge on gaydom". Sad, but true. My (very gay) roommate is still in love with my ex, and is still upset that we broke up because he wanted to mack on him.

Who are these freaks?

I just received this response to my ad. It makes me want to delete the ad.

...slowin down to take a look...

ok lets see. I like female smokers. Fetish. guilty. Probably shouldn't get too close-wrong reason for a relationship. Right reason for getting something out of my system. I never have and never will smoke.

I have heard of all kinds of fetishes (I live in the San Francisco area, after all), but I have never heard of one for smokers.

When I am not into my fetish(as in nearly constantly) I am a capable single parent, windsurfer, square, good speller. I suppose I like the thing I read somewhere that its important for the child to see her parent loved by another adult. Odds are long long on that one, cutie. Its just something I read.

He cannot spell. Otherwise, he would have said, "It's just something I read." Notice my usage of the apostrophe.

Tell me all about it. In pictures. Send some. Send the ones you have ready and then, at the last minute, give-in and add the really smutty one to the attachments.

I think I need to shower. I feel so dirty.

Be careful when you ask for something

I instructed men in my ad that they would receive bonus points for using spell check. How was I to know that some of them would take this as a creative challenge?

I have a spelling checker,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly Marx for my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
An die can put the era rite,
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My checker tolled me sew!

I'll admit it. I chuckled. Now Gloria may not have answered this one because there was no picture attached, but I figured that anyone who went through this much trouble deserved a response. Although it is a shame it is not an original work. (Thank you, Google.)

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who are too competitive for their own good.

I have to say, I'm patting myself on the back for my excellent coding skills (in the outside world, it's called categorising). I've learned something in school! Yay! (This is especially exciting because all I learned undergrad was how much wine I could drink before being truly drunk.) This blizzard, however? Horrible! You can't see the tires of parked cars!

So there were the guys who inadvertantly (hopefully) insulted me, probably thinking they were being witty. Morons. Witty is demonstrating intelligence in a subtle and catching way, which none of the guys did. Then, there are those guys who think that they'll get my attention by being competitive. I dunno, it doesn't really work for me, especially the way these guys have phrased it. Additionally, when I said that I played pool and poker, I did NOT say that I was a pro at it nor that I was even especially any good. While I do enjoy both activities, I enjoy the bluffing aspect of poker but often forget in what order the hands go, and in pool I often sink the other person's balls in the pockets rather than my own. It's so mortifying.

I have some time as well. I bet I could kick you ass in a game of 8-ball...wanna place a bet?

I'm sorry, is this supposed to make want to hang out with him? I don't even know him, and yet he's already talking about kicking my ass. So not okay.

I am an official pool skark and can kick your ass 8 ball or 9.

I'd think that this was the same guy as the previous one, but it's a different email address. I don't know that I'd ever write a stranger and say, "I could kick your ass" unless I wanted to get into a fight.

So tell me how much $$$ have you won in a poker game? How much $$ have you lost?

It's not all about the money, it's about fooling other people.

I think it's a guy thing, being this competitive. It's not terribly endearing, I have to say.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 3

Yes, it is time for yet another tale. I've decided that you're ready for the story that first inspired me to start writing here. In keeping with my last post, this is another tale about honesty.

I had answered this guy's ad a couple of months ago. He sounded intelligent and he made me laugh. We did have some differences on how to make chili, though. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign. Then he sent his photo and I discovered that this nice guy was actually attractive. We eventually agreed to meet for coffee. What a surprise! He actually looked like his picture. He also seemed normal in person.

When I got home, I quickly sent Gloria an email. She kept telling me that there had to be something wrong with the guy because he just seemed too perfect. I knew that his imperfection would surface eventually but had no idea what it would be. (We all have imperfections. That's just a fact of life. Me? I can be anal retentive about the silverware drawer.)

A couple of nights later, I was talking to him on the phone. He said that he didn't think that I was that into him because I didn't ask enough questions. Whatever. I asked him why he was trying CL. He said he had gotten out of a relationship a while back and was trying to get back into dating. How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to delve more.

At this point he told me his tale. He was married for five years, but they parted ways because they had become more like brother and sister (his words). He then went on a partying binge. And then a wonderous thing happened. He found -- wait for it, wait for it -- the word. That's right I said it. He found the word and it changed his life. (For those of you not in the know, that would be the Bible.) He then started dating a woman from his church. They decided that sex was for procreation, not recreation. Therefore, only married people should have sex. They abstained for a year and a half. When they decided to break up, they gave into temptation and got busy. A friend of mine said that it seems like if you are going to have break-up sex, then you should use at least four forms of birth control. Of course, these are born again Christians we're talking about so that was not in the cards. End of the tale? He is now the proud father of a ten month old daughter. Oh, and he's not available to date during the week because he tries to visit his daughter every weeknight. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him since that night.

Now onto my favorite topic ... honesty. It seems to me that there are some things that one should include in one's ad on CL. Things like religious beliefs. Things like fatherhood. If you are not willing to put these in the ad, then you should be forthcoming during the email barrage. (We emailed each other at least 10 times before agreeing to meet.) If you don't approve of drinking and partying, then just come right out and say it. The problem I have found is that people are more concerned with finding someone who has similar interests instead of finding someone with similar values. If you're really looking for a relationship, then it's the latter that matters most. You'll never get there if you aren't honest about who you are.

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who insult.

This snow? Really stifling my social life (which really consists of dragging various friends out to bars and drinking up a storm and making fun of other people. Yes, I could drink in my apartment, but when who am I going to make fun of?). Anyway, onto the point of this post.

That old adage, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, is a saying for a reason. First impressions count tons. Especially if the first impression is made over email. You have time to think over your words carefully and to present yourself as best you can. Because, really, this is all about marketing skills.

That's why I fail to understand why some guys thought it was okay to make what I interpret as veiled insults. For instance:

I just want to say that I work at a group home for retarded people... and there's this one guy who's always saying that line: "I'll have a martini... SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED... Mr. Bond." That's about it. You can also email me if you might be interested.

If I'm not mistakened, he paralleled me to a mentally retarded guy. That's not going to make me view him favourably. So I wrote back and asked if he meant to compare me to a retarded guy. Normally, I'd let it go, but I desperately needed further clarification. He said he didn't mean it. He has nice forearms, I might give him a second chance (I have no qualms admitting that I am shallow.)

whats up yea i can see that you got a lot of free time write me back let me know more about u i am a 24 music grad student new in boston

I have to say, I am very impressed because not only did he insult me by saying I have too much free time, but he also managed to use NO punctuation nor capital letters in his entire email. It's just awesome.

Interesting profile to say the least....whats going on?

Questioning me. What the hell? When you reply, it's your turn to share a little bit about yourself, not to cast doubt upon me.

Are u for real???....you sounds too good to be true....

And this one is questioning my existence. Dumbass. I was tempted to write back something involving philosophical existence, but I just didn't have it in me.

the girl next door but hotter??? is that possible

Yeah, this whole questioning me thing is not going to get you in my good graces.

Not sure.. the girl next door to me is REALLY HOT!

I think I'll write back to this one, "Then go date her, what are you bothering with craigslist for?"

So, lesson #2 (please remember that lesson #1 was to NOT use your full name for safety's sake): If the best first impression you can make is by insulting someone, it's not going to get you anywhere (unless you are cute, heh).

What's wrong with honesty?

I decided to follow Gloria's lead and try something new. I posted an ad just to see who was out there. Well, according to two guys, so far, I am obviously shallow because I had the nerve to put a height preference in my ad. (I also put an age range preference, but this didn't seem to stop some guys from sending responses.) I am 5'10". I like to wear heels. What is wrong with asking a guy to be 6' or taller? Actually, I said that 5'10" was the lower limit, but I'd probably prefer a guy 6' or taller.

Oops ... lost my train of thought. I had to read an email from a guy who sent me a pic of Ralph Fiennes and is trying to tell me that it's a picture of him. Then again, maybe he's just a dead ringer for Ralph. I digress.

Back to the ranting men in the San Francisco area. One guy told me that a woman requesting a specific height minimum was akin to a guy asking that women have a minimum cup size. He said it was rude to make that kind of request. Yes, I suppose being brutally honest is rude, but some of these guys just need it. When I told the first guy that perhaps he was insecure about his height, he responded that he did not have any issues about his height or his equipment. Ummm ... I never mentioned his equipment. Now I guess we know the source of his insecurity, though.

I must digress again. Ralph just explained that he sent me the picture of Ralph because he looks like him, and he doesn't have any pictures of himself at work. Knew I wasn't losing my mind. We'll see if he really looks like Ralph. Besides, he was not intimidated by the height requirements and claims to be 6'2".

Back to insecure guy. Of course this guy has never seen a shift key in his life. He also had issues with my request to please use spell check. He said, "what is this a test? who gives a fuck in these ads if a word or two are spelled incorrectly?" I told him that it was a test, and he had failed miserably. Notice the lack of capitals. Also, what is up with the use of profanity with a complete stranger? If this was him putting his best foot forward, then I pity him.

I say if a guy knows that he only likes a certain cup size, then he should say it. Similarly, women should be able to request a certain height.

I promise to get back to real-life tales with my next post. The focus will be honesty in ads.

Shaken, not stirred - Introduction.

While looking at all the personals is fun (and very time-consuming - perfect for procrastination).. you have to sort through a whole lot of really crappy ones before you find that gem of which you can make fun. I mean, I can't even tell you how many roll-my-eyes-boring ads I've read.

So then, why go looking for the idiots? Why not let them come to me?

And so, I placed a cute little ad, with the title above. It was short and sweet - based in truth, because what happens in the offchance that I actually find someone (gasp!) decent this way? - and the James Bond reference will enable those morons a good starting point to write a witty line or two.

Ah, those guys in Boston are desperately looking for love. In the hour between placing my ad (at 23h30) and going to bed (do the math - 00h30), 23 guys responded. This morning, there are a whole bunch more.

Don't worry, I will share the responses with all of you, because they're too good to keep to myself. But before I get to the business of categorising all the ads, one tip for anyone who answers online personals. Do NOT be a flaming moron and have your full name in the "name" part of your email. Because 1) you are emailing strangers and why would you disclose your identity to strangers and 2) people like me will google you.

For future reference, so all the replies I post make sense, my ad involved: drinking, playing poker and pool, not playing games, and being hotter than the girl next door.

Yes, I had a very brief fling with the advertising field. I'd have been great in it, let me tell you.

ATTRACTIVE AM.INDIAN/black seeking ltr with PRETTY WHITE BRUNETTE

Gosh, that wasn't even a satisfying hunt because his other post was right BELOW creepy post #1. He doesn't get any better, by the way. The only reason it's taken me this long to post it is because I decided that I actually should start working on my papers. But since I have writer's block, hopefully with the help of this pervo, my creative juices will start flowing again.

I AM A INTERESTING, DYNAMIC, INTELLIGENT PERSON...Recently single... Honest, sincere, sensitive, outgoing, kind, gentle, (but not wimpy) attractive "REAL MAN" who knows how to treat a WOMAN in a relationship. I am 5/8 Native American Arapaho/Comanche Indian & 3/8 black

Enough with the caps. Seriously. Headache. But lookie here, now we know his "very different and interesting" look.

I have ONLY dated Caucasian since I was old enough to date. Very specifically I am seeking a pretty Caucasian brunette ONLY, with a good figure.( I'm talking able to extremely "low-ride" and show midriff figure.) I will WORSHIP the anatomy, mind, and soul of a good hearted, intelligent, natural brunette..

I am glad he's not picky at all.

A "REAL MAN" should make his WOMAN feel like the ONLY FEMALE on the planet..

Dear lord, he's back to the worshipping bullshit. And why is "REAL MAN" in quotes. Is it a euphemism for pimp? I bet it is! Ooh ooh, I know, he's soliciting women for a harem.

I'm 3rd generation native southern Californian; born and raised Bel-Air / Beverly Hills, living in Studio City...

I confused myself for a little there. That's right, this is off the LA Craigslist board. But I'm sorry, why is he in Studio City if he's originally from Bel-Air/BH? I mean, that's like 500 steps down.

I come from great stock

Like a racehorse!

and make a good living in one phase of (TV., film, music video, pre-production/production )as a freelance independent.

Now, his punctuation is all over the place too. What phase is he in? I am soo confused right now.

I am also a small-time HIGH-END residential contractor that specializes in EXTREMELY HIGH-END interiors and HIGH-END commercial-quality FLOATING recording facilities(studios)/rehearsal sound rooms in private residences from scratch.....

I guess there's a market for everything. What are "FLOATING recording facilities"? And he makes them from scratch, as well? I know you can make cookies from scratch, but entire rooms. He's a man of many talents.

I believe that the WOMAN is the stronger gender and should be SPOILD!! mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and last but not least NO DOUBT SEXUALLY !!!!! As a lover I would rather PLEASE than be pleased and EXTREMELY CREATIVE..

Blahblahblah, he's said this already, and it's no less cringeworthy the second time 'round.

( I LUV to see a WOMAN just CUM apart at the seams !!!!! then just completely become unraveled and just fall apart in my arms!!!!)

Waaaah. Make it stop! He is demonstrating some dom traits here, whereas in the last post he was all sub. Curious.

She should feel like she is just entering into another world...Out of her mind with her head swimming in LUST and entering into a sexual FRENZY, and insane MIND ALTERING orgasm... LITERALLY BOO HOO!!!!!

"BOO HOO"?? Haha, I nearly died laughing reading that.

CRYING real tears of SHEER pleasure...TOTALLY, COMPLETELY 100% OVERWHELMED. Her head RUSHING, her face flushed, her RUDELY-EXPOSED naked body uncontrollably QUIVERING, and her heart and soul FILLED from HEAD to GORGEOUS TOE'S with TRUE LOVE !!!!!!!!

True love? I thought it was just sex.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL ! ! ! !

Ah, back to the creepy female worship.

I NEED! To have a PRETTY brunette to SERVE, WORSHIP & ROMANCE, with respect in a truly unconditional, loving, caring, EXCITING! Relationship

Back to sub. He's confused, this one is.

Don't let the ethnicity frighten you..... By culture I'm probably more WHITE than you, although also proud of my heritage's.

Hm. Interesting. I'm not going to get into how he knows that. It's just a weird thing to say. Maybe he got mocked for his looks when he was younger. Then he grew up and became CRAZY.

I grew up surfing the California coast, and for some good years played big venue, stage act, rock & roll / alternative / reggae / punk rock, country rock etc. for a living as a "hired gun" independent pro concert tour drummer and still occasionally perform a night or two, big California venue ONLY..... if am asked or if I'm invited and if its worth the insanity.

I mean, honestly. Many talents. He does it all. I wonder where he fits the female-worship in there, what with all the other stuff he does.

I have allot of character and dynamic element's.... Please write if you would like to be TOTALLY WORSHIPED! in a relationship.

Someone give this guy a chill pill.

If you respond I will provide my personal phone #s so that you can judge my manner, my voice is not hard to listen to. The next WOMAN that catches my attention is a fortunate female.

I think I am going to have to pass on this offer. You know, the one thing he hasn't specified is age, either his own nor the WOMAN of his DREAMS.

A man's ONLY job is to CATER to EACH and EVERY need of the ONLY ONE WOMAN that he is with......

ENOUGH ALREADY. Seriously. No wonder he can't find anyone, if he's aggressive and pushy in real life, any sane woman would go running for the hills.

NOTHING!! ON THIS PLANET CAN COMPARE WITH THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

I think I have a headache from reading this post. Aside from the blatant misuse of the possessive (I'm not even sure if it's that or just a confusion regarding the use of the apostrophe in conjunction with the letter 's') and the misspellings, it's the ALL CAPS letters that BOTHER the HELL out of ME. And we haven't even gotten into the content of the post yet.

The ground the WOMAN walk's on should be unconditionally WORSHIPED. Everything that she does should be praised...Out of everything phenomenally BEAUTIFUL in ALL of creation (the oceans, the forests, the constellations, etc.) the WOMAN is the most beautiful...SHE is an AWESOME phenomenon. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, is more EXQUISITE in this existence than the WOMAN. Just the SIGHT and energy that a WOMAN creates is a ball buster...

Ball buster, eh? Bet this guy is a sub, and wants to be beaten down some more. And women are prettier than water, trees and the stars. Woowheee! Too bad more guys don't feel this way.

They are supernaturally picked to have are children...They in the same manner are picked to be our MOTHER'S...They are nurturer's and conqueror's, and have the most incredible attributes out of ANY and ALL creature's on this earth...they are BY-FAR the stronger gender...The WOMAN should be put on a pedestal, lifted up on a platform, and have EACH and EVERY one of her relationship NEEDS CATERED to on a regular basis by her significant...That should be a man's ONE and ONLY job in his one on one relationship with a WOMAN...A man should make his woman feel like she is the ONLY female on the planet...IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL...

Damn, I did not know that getting to be pregnant was a supernatural quality. I feel all special now. And damn straight all women should be put on a pedestal. Although if this guy is the worshipper, I'd feel a little creeped out. Also note that he suddenly switches from the WOMAN to the GIRL at the end of this paragraph. I'm not so sure about that, it's a little weird.

I don't want to even get into writing about the anatomy of the WOMAN or I may cause myself to orgasm here where I sit, but the soft body of a WOMAN should be DILLIGENTLY!!! Physically attended to and pampered regularly with EXTREME!!! PASSION and FOCUSED AFFECTION...

OH YUCK! YUCK! I am going to return to writing my paper on the cross-cultural perceptions of achievement because that is just So Gross. I am getting the willies just thinking about it.

The scent/smell of a WOMAN is cause for insanity, something to be inhaled as many times as possible on a daily basis...the taste of a WOMAN is something too DIE FOR, and definitely something to savor on the lips, tongue and inside the mouth...

That's right. Back to this paper I go straightaway. Yet I can't tear myself away from the trainwreck that is this post.

A man's universe should revolve around a WOMAN'S mind, heart, and SOUL...and his world should revolve around her female extremities and the vital areas of her physical being...IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL..

Again, another switch from the WOMAN to the GIRL. This guy is one big perverted sicko.

In relationship the man should take as much weight off of the WOMAN'S shoulders as possible, and provide a safe place for her to go in her heart...In relationship the man should be ready to walk into LITERAL FIRE for the WOMAN..

Burn baby, burn. Disco inferno. Sorry. Obviously, my mind is seeking to go to a safer place away from the creepiness that is this guy.

A man should NEVER raise his voice to a WOMAN and ALWAYS should be EXTREMELY GENTLE & KIND. their should never be ANY TYPE of aggression towards a WOMAN and definitely NO kind of man-handling unless she desires to be TAKEN in that manner AFFECTIONATELY in an EROTIC, SENSUAL, OVERWHELMING, SEXUAL SCENARIO...

Please make it stop.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL...

A third time, a switch to the GIRL. It makes me wonder..

I am not SUPER, SUPER, successful as I once was in my past industry profession but I am ambitious, hard-working and make a good living.. I am not Mr. GQ gorgeous perfect, but I am not unattractive any means and handsome in my own manner. My look is very different & interesting because I am of mixed race.(NOT an average look) I am not in perfect fighting shape and all buffed-out like I was a few years back, but my straight work is very physical and I am pretty well maintained, a tough guy and not to many extra pounds... 5'11",200lbs..

Wait, so what do you have to recommend yourself? You're not successful anymore, and you are handsome "in your own special way". What's your new job? Scaring the shit out of innocent Craigslist readers? Additionally, 5'11 and 200 pounds.. seems a bit heavy to me, unless that's all muscle. And if it is all muscle, that's a freaking lot of muscle, and when guys are too built up they are unattractive. Then again, my ex was 6'4 and a scrawny 170, so perhaps my perceptions of what guys should weigh are all screwed up. But still. I'm thinking that Mr. Pervo here has some excess fat hanging about. Maybe he should spend less time with the LITERAL FIRE of the WOMAN and instead.. I dunno, getting himself back to his buff former self.

I AM DYNAMIC, CHARISMATIC, PERSONABLE, AND FUN TO BE WITH...I have been fortunate enough to have had a TON of worldly experiences which has provided for a vast amount of general wisdom & knowledge, and wisdom of the human nature...Most WOMEM for one reason or another are USUALLY DRAWN to me.......

I don't even want to know what these worldly experiences are. Not at all. There is no curiousity killing this cat.

and for some reason USUALLY the VERY ATTRACTIVE..I think because I EXUDE CONFIDENCE and kind of OOZE with an obvious, CHARMING, EXTREME sexuality.... as well as I have a VERY POWERFUL PRESENCE....If you are socially conscious you may understand better if I volunteer the fact that I was a pro circuit concert tour "DRUMMER" and still an occasionally working pro musician. That lifestyle was VERY FAST!!! So I had to slow it down by my choice so I would live and so I could have a normal life...

OOZE. He OOZES with sexuality. Be still, my beating heart. Actually, I personally think he OOZES with PERVERSION, but that's just me. And why is "drummer" in quotation marks. Is that a euphemism for pimp? Or something even worse of which I don't want to think?

I have recently gone through a very painful break-up and took some time to re-group. However I have rendered myself available again and seeking a serious committed LTR with another beauty. I don't have any baggage and desire someone who can appreciate what I bring to the table in a relationship and someone who can keep my attention. I just want a simple life of TOTAL relationship HAPPINESS. I have another post under (men seeking WOMEN) that tells a little more about my-self….if you respond I will give you the title of the other post......

Painful breakup but no baggage? Please. That is a blatant lie. Especially as this breakup was recent. Wait. He has another post. I must find this other post.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 2

I started writing because I was going to just tell a story about how there are things that one should always list in an ad. That's going to have to be another day, though. Today I must digress.

Thinking over yesterday's post, I suddenly remembered that I had not really started at the beginning of my adventures. Therefore, it is only right that I go back to that point today.

I first started perusing the CL ads for fun and entertainment. I didn't have any intention of answering any. Then there was one that sounded too entertaining to pass up. There was this supposed Brit (I'll get to that later) who was planning to visit the States and was looking for a tour guide. In exchange, said tour guide would receive a trip to the UK. Gloria told me it was too good to pass up so I answered.

As we conversed, I noticed a number of sketchy details. First of all, he claimed that he did not have a photo. Who in this day and age does not have a photo? Then when I happened to mention that the start of his trip happened to coincide with a visit from my mother, he then said that his trip had been postponed. The strange thing is that he supposedly received a call from work telling him this -- 30 minutes after he heard about my conflict -- at 8 PM on a Friday night. (Well, it was 8 PM in London that is.) First thing that made me wonder if he was really in London. I also found it surprising that he claims to have never received the email that I sent asking in what part of London he was. Eventually his trip was back on and he wanted me to meet him at his hotel, if you can call the place that. It was actually more like an EconoLodge kind of place. (I know this because I looked the place up on the internet.) Of course, my mama didn't raise a fool so I told him that I would meet him at a restaurant in the area. The last straw is when I called the motel and asked for his room the day before I was supposed to meet him. What a surprise! There was no one registered under the name he had given me. At that point, I decided that I had received enough of an entertaining story; actually meeting him would not be necessary.

Why did I hang in there so long? Boredom. Besides, like I said, I'm always in search of a good story to share at cocktail parties. I won't even go into my thoughts on the fates that I could have faced if I had actually shown up.

Please keep checking back. I promise I will eventually get to the funniest story of all eventually.

Harvard grad student seeks harvard undergrad - 23

Although I am not a Harvard undergrad (thank God! Do you know what sorts of issues those people have? Think about it - you have 1500-1600 18-yos who were each at the top of their high-school class, and then you stick them together - how can massive therapy-inducing issues not happen? It's such a stunner when each realises that s/he is not the smartest one anymore.) I thought this post was interesting, because this poor guy obviously has this gigantic inferiority complex from NOT having gone to Harvard undergrad.

Tired of all these effete, witty, well-dressed boys on their way to good jobs that have overrun your campus?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #1. No, not tired of these guys, because they will make money and you are in grad school, which let me tell you will rarely earn you the big bucks. Also, what is wrong with witty and well-dressed? Incidentally, only a very small percentage of the Harvard population is well-dressed. The rest look like they shop at the Coop. Harvard is a dork school for a very good reason.

Why not date an honest to goodness nerd?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #2. That description is so tempting.

Now that I'm in grad school I'm finally living my ultimate fantasy of collecting a paycheck to go to class.

Does this count as an inferiority complex? Hmm. When I was little, my ultimate fantasy was to have all of the My Little Pony ponies. Now, my ultimate fantasy is to collect a paycheck to go shopping and waste time.

When I used to get pushed around for liking school, no one bothered to tell me I could get straight up PAID for it.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #3. You can get paid for sleeping with people too. Not that I know this first-hand. It was just a thought.

I've got that nerd look: tall, skinny, high cheekbones, likes to wear button down shirts unbuttoned to reveal that quintessential wardrobe staple, the white t-shirt.

I thought all nerds had pocket protectors and dorky glasses and suspenders. This just sounds like a scrawny boy who can't dress. I also think this might be another inferiority complex demonstration, okay, it is, in light of the fact that he referred to the well-dressed Harvard male undergrads. INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #4.

I've got those nerd tastes: I enjoy wit and satire as much as the next fellow, but I also appreciate downright absurdity in the Nee!/ATHF variety. Music preference is almost to the point of nerd cliche: Zeppelin, Autechre, and Sibelius.

I did not know "nerds" had a certain type of music they listened to. You learn something new every day. And I don't know what this "Nee!/ATHF" absurdity is, and I thought that I was the Mistress of the Absurd.

I went to a nerd school: You Harvard undergraduate women are all suspiciously attractive (it's almost like the admissions office is vetting you on something besides your high-powered academics). Why couldn't some of you have gone to my alma mater?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #5. He's obviously only seeing like 5% of the Harvard population, the ones that got in because they're legacies and/or on sports teams. The rest of them are NOT lookers. And if Harvard isn't a nerd school, what is? I bet he went to MIT or some other school that focuses on engineering. Lemme tell you, my alma mater was a much prettier school. Why do you think they required that you send in a photo with your application? Rumour also had it that they made you handwrite your personal statement so that they could perform handwriting analayses on it/you. Who knows if that's true or not.

My type of girl is anyone who is still reading this. If you've made it this far, you should at least write to get the free pictures. One of them features Oklahoma.

I am glad he's not picky about what kind of girl he wants. I really really hope that "Oklahoma" is not a euphemism for his penis.

Incidentally, he used the word "nerd" FIVE times. He's a touch sensitive about being a "nerd", isn't he. Being a Harvard grad student is also not all that interesting. You can throw a handful of coins in Harvard Square, and odds are that at least half of them will hit a current or former Harvard grad student. But obviously this winner thinks that being a nerd is going to be that "special thing" that wins girls over. "Special" indeed. I wonder if he's still a virgin.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 1

A few months ago, I decided it was not enough to peruse ads. No, I had to start answering them. Then the inevitable happened; I started meeting these guys. If anything else, the experience has provided me with countless stories to share at cocktail parties.

Let me start with my first meeting experience. (By the way, I have changed the names to protect the guilty if any names are used.) I started emailing this guy who was looking for someone to help spend his lottery winnings. I figured that anyone who said that had to be witty. We started talking on the phone. Then one day I inadvertantly answered yet another ad he had posted. We took it as a sign that we were meant to meet. Of course, by this point I was a bit trepidatious because he had previously mentioned that he doesn't think that he has ever bought a drink for a woman. WHAT? How does a guy get to his 30's without ever buying a drink for a woman unless he is a cheap bastard?

Back to the meeting. I arrived at the previously agreed upon cafe about 10 minutes late. I have since learned that this is an acceptable grace period. (Well, I always thought this was true, but on this particular day I was beginning to doubt it.) I looked around and saw no one who looked like the pictures I had received. I thought, "Perhaps he is late," so I ordered a latte and made myself comfy at a table with my copy of "Vanity Fair" -- the book, not the magazine. After 50 minutes or so, I decided that he was a no show.

When I got home, I wrote to ask where he was. He claims that he was there for about 30 minutes and saw no one who looked like me. Sure... I actually look like the photo that I send out. If he was there, then he looks nothing like his picture. What probably surprises me most is that I have actually agreed to meet other guys following this mishap. But more about that another time...

And so it begins... AGAIN

That's right. We've started this up again. Who knows if Scarlett will ever post. But we've a new team member, Dagny, who is gutsy enough to meet up with some of these fools (because we all know that I'm chickenshit)..

Let the good times roll.

(Me, I'll continue making fun of ads and emails. Because that's all I'm good for.)