Probably the best five minutes of your CL time could be spent here...

You know, there is such a thing as too much information. Intrigue is good. So is humour, but people can be picky about what they find funny, and this guy's style of stand-up might not be it.

It’s important that I be as honest as possible in this post, so instead of writing it all on my own, I’ve asked my Mom to help. What follows is part of the transcribed phone conversation:

“Oh, he’s a very handsome boy. And intelligent, too. Oh, and he’s so funny! Just don’t stare at his nose for too long...”
“Mom, my nose is just fine.”
“Well, anyway, he’s looking for a good woman who will cook, clean, and do all the housework-“
“Mom, that’s not what I’m looking for!”
“Whatever, dear. Preferably a woman who has good child bearing hips. No toothpick model types, no sirree!”
“Umm…thanks Mom...I think…”

I think that’s enough – don’t you? I would’ve asked my Dad to give his input, but after deleting all the profanity…well, it would've lost its meaning.

Okay, honestly, that’s not what my parents are like. My dad only swears in a foreign language, and my Mom is quite friendly and likes all the women I bring home. Actually, she just likes that I bring any woman home. She’s desperate for a grandchild, you know. But enough about her, time for more good news about me. I like sponge baths and rubber duckies. I generally prefer them with someone else, but will sacrifice and go it alone if needed. The baths, I mean, not the duckies. That’s just sick. I love to cook (again, not rubber duckies), love movies, billiards, play time, and people watching. My hidden talents include friendly sarcasm, doing nifty magic tricks, and setting the time on a VCR.

Brief description time: I’m about 5’8”, have an olive complexion (okay, I’m an arab), have a goatee, short hair, and incredible dark eyes (or so I’ve imagined). I have a slightly larger than normal honker, but it’s placed precisely in the middle of my head for easy identification. No, I don’t live with my parents, but I do live with two cats who know they need to keep me alive to keep them fed. I’m an atheist, but non-practicing, so you won’t hear me preach about it. I actually have great respect for people who have a deep religious faith – but only if they’ve been able to question it. I like to think I’m funny, but most people just think I’m a big goober. I say flush them all down the toilet!

I’ve had one long term relationship, and probably not enough short ones. I've even had some dates as a result of posting on CL. I promise not to go into great detail about any of them. I find that I have very few specifics as to what I look for in a woman. I definitely want someone who can laugh. Not some silly little giggle, but that really lets it out. Laughter is the healing factor of all life. But please have good teeth, because there is no way I can stand watching you laugh and your front three teeth are missing. It just isn’t right. And don’t let my Mom fool you – I’m not picky about child bearing hips - just don't be someone who orders a Doube Quarter Pounder & fries for Breakfast, lunch, and dinner (with a Diet Coke, of course). Oh, and please be between 20 & 30, and please be 5’8” or shorter, and for goodness sake (and this is important), please have a sense of humor!

Ummm…that’s all for now. That’s probably too much, but I enjoyed it anyway. If anyone wants to chat, you can try to catch me on IM under screen name [redacted] (on AOL). Or just send me an email if you’re too shy to chat. You’ll also have to trust me when I say that I’m not getting deluged with responses to this, so don’t be afraid to say “hello”. Against my better judgment, I have added some pictures to this post. But please keep the enthusiasm down when you see what I look like – people are already staring at you…I’ve also including a picture of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Draw your own conclusions from that...

Standard Disclaimer: No moms were hurt in the making of this posting. Some pigeons may have been, but no moms.

Post Addendum: On the rare occasion I get a response to this posting, I keep getting asked why I’m posting on Craig’s List and what it is I’m looking for, so here’s the answer: This is the corniest thing I’m going to write in this post, but I want to be in love – sparks flying, butterflies in the stomach feeling, dancing in the streets kind of love. And I’m attempting to find this elusive thing on Craig’s List because I seem to no longer possess the knowledge of how to meet new people. Okay, that’s a half-truth. I meet new people all the time, but I don’t know how to move onto the next level because really, who does? So basically, this is the surreal way of doing things, in a world that seems to have become surreal.

Post Addendum Addendum: It’s been quite some time since my original posting of this ad, and I have learned some things from the people that have responded, so here are a few additional comments if you are thinking about responding (or if you're not, but have amazingly read this far):

• Although generally tongue-in-cheek, this post is pretty close to the truth. I do have a Mom & Dad.
• Being as humble as possible, I know this post is pretty funny (which was the purpose), but it’s not necessary to stress over what to say in a response because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing while trying to be funny. It took me a while to come up with this post, but I honestly don’t expect anyone to spend more than 5 minutes on a response. Okay, maybe 5 and a half minutes…
• Don’t think I’m a wacko for including my screen name – I’m a wacko for other reasons. Actually, I believe that people are more likely to respond on an impulse, rather than if they have to think about it. Hey, if you don’t want to respond, I’ll never really know. Well, I'll know, but we'll just keep it between us.
• If you've made it this far, you should be ashamed you haven’t already responded. Or at least be just slightly perturbed.

I don't think it helps that he looks like a sketchy middle eastern rug salesman in his photos. And he's making all sorts of weird faces - that DEFINITELY does NOT help either. (His nose is rather large, too.) Plus, one of his photos is of a bowl of fruity pebbles in milk. What gives? Is he a fruity pebble? Methinks he is!

There are so many things that can be analysed here, but I am too tired to get into it. So I leave it up to you..