Help! Must be engaged to actress by noon on friday! - 35

This is another really long one. I can't even write comments on it, because I don't know where to begin (and because I have no creativity anymore, writing about conceptual change in deaf children has completely taken it out of me). I do have to give this guy credit for his imagination, however. And that's what happens when you go to LA and fancy yourself a writer (as so many out there do).

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Yes, it's crazy. I was going about my quirky life over the weekend experiencing one nutty happenstance after another. Nutty things are always happening to me - like the mishap with my neighbors parrot which I will tell you about. But first.

On friday, my boss called me into his office on my way out the door for what I was hoping would be a relaxing weekend. He wanted to tell me that he thought I was the worst employee he had ever known and that this would be my last day. I didnt want the job anyhow, I seem to go from one job to another because of misunderstandings. My boss thought that it was me who left a phone sex message for his daughter because the call came from my phone. Turns out that someone was using my phone on a day that I skipped work without telling anyone and hoped no one would notice. I could't tell my boss that I really was not even there - but had billed for the hours - then he would have fired me for that too!

On my way back home, my landlord stops me. He wants more money and is threatening to throw me out if I don't pay up - so he yelled at me for an hour on friday night, clenching his fists. I promised to pay up in one week to buy some time.

Then Saturday it got worse. See, I adopted a "child" from Cambodia a year ago - one of those deals where I send money every month. The child turned out to be a 29 yr old drug-lord. But he is loveable! Though we were never supposed to meet, he showed up on my door-step on Saturday saying "Mercedes Benz number one! You daddy. You daddy." So what the heck was I supposed to do? He moved in and is trying to set up operations here. I don't yet have the heart to ask him to leave yet. He waters the plants and my cat has really taken a liking to him. I would like to have my bed back because the couch is so uncomfortable, but he is a guest in my country. So now I am buying food for two now.

And just as luck would have it, my neighbor girl, who I have a secret crush on showed up at my house on sunday morning with two coffees and a smile. I have been waiting to talk to her for a long time and she just took the initiative god bless her. Well, I invited her in and she saw Minh (my cambodian son) in a kimono and what the heck - but she figured I was gay. It was a giant misunderstanding! And I was going to explain it to her, but the phone rang. She did not stay for coffee even - but I noticed that her parrot had somehow flown into my apartment. Minh tried the coffee because he liked the smell. But I think the caffeine did not sit well with him because he ran into the bathroom and started screaming at the mirror, "I number 1, I number 1!"

I chased the parrot around the room until it finally escaped out of a window. Not being good at flight myself, I ran downstairs and out the door to see where the little fella had gone. Turns out he flew into my muffler of my car and was stuck. Thinking I could get him out, I started the car and let it run for 30 seconds. Turned it off and went to the rear of the car to find margie (the bird) hacking away on the concrete. I picked the little bird up and left her at my neighbors door. Meanwhile, my phone is still ringing. So i run inside to get it.

I answered the phone and it was this law firm saying they were looking for me. A lawyer from the firm said that he needed to speak with me urgently and in-person. So, I agreed to meet him that evening.

In the course of the meeting I was told that I had an uncle, apparently a recluse of some sort, but very rich. Well, as fate would have it, he died a week ago. And he had no children. So, he willed all his fortune to me - an amount over 50 million dollars! Its a lot of money. However, as per the request of his client (my uncle) the lawyer tells me that the only way I can get the money is if I give up my irresponsible single ways and by noon friday have a job and a fiance - but the girl has to be an actress or waitress/actress with a heart of gold! Why do these things always happen to me?!

So, clearly this story will compel all you CL actress women to put on some dresses and chase me down the city streets. I can imagine all the craziness that will soon occur. We have to hurry too! But I must choose one of you and as part of the decree, if the marriage fails or if you leave me, we both lose the money and have to surrender any and all assetts which we acquired during our time together. What the heck, no loopholes here - no sir.

This is crazy and quirky. I don't know where to begin. My lawyer has agreed to help me make the decision if I need advice - so hopefully you will have pure intentions. He is bald and has an english accent and seems to be very wise.

I guess I should tell you about myself: I have all kinds of misunderstandings always happening to me. I am average looking, in average shape, have never cheated on a girl - but have been in plenty of minsunderstandings where it sure looked that way. I have had cake thrown in my face, coffee poured on my head and one girl poured ice down my pants while I just took it. Crazy things always happen to me!

So, please send your photos and your stats and hopefully I will find you before noon on friday when all mayhem will break loose and if we have not sorted it out by then, my lawyer will have to use a megaphone to call your name in the crowd of brides to be who are chasing me. I know CL has lots of different kinds of potential brides from pot smoking broke hippie chicks who wear petchuli and don't bathe much to cocky career women who are bossy and wear strap-ons. Hopefully you will all feel welcome to write me!

I just want you to be pretty and able to handle lots of craziness! It will be a plus if you have good morals to help me sort through and discover what is really important in the midst of all this madness and money. Also, if you are a CEO that might help since I might be running a few of my uncle's Fortune 500 companies and I dont know what a CEO really is!

Can't wait to hear from you.