Online Misadventures

YOU LIKE SHOPPIN, DRINKIN AND SHAKIN THAT ASS - 30

2005-08-19T19:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a slow Friday afternoon. I thought that I would go out tonight but then my plans had to change. I decided to do something that I haven't done in some time -- read the ads on CL. I couldn't resist this one because I like to shop and drink as much as the next girl. And ass shakin? Well, I have had many compliments on that.

Are you a Foxy Princess that likes shoppin' til you drop, cute guys that know how to dress, dancing until close, drinkin' and gettin' a little crazy, dancing with a great partner, maybe even letting body shots off your belly and love your boobs the way they are, like to socialize and likes a good kisser, being treated like a lady, giving or recieving back rubs after winding down from painting the town RED...Hit me up and I'll take care of everything else..;) Your pic gets mine, thanks ladies.

I must admit that I'm not too sure about the body shots though. It may depend on how many shots I've already had.

Can my wild intellectual property be tamed or at least tempered - 49

2005-06-19T22:55:00.000-04:00

I love colossal egos!

I am polite, well mannered, and all that really goody goody stuff, but my mind is
constantly racing faster than most people can keep pace with. When I was at Brandeis, a prof gave a take home final to a lecture hall full of students. The
whole campus was buzzing about how Jerry Cohen's take home final asked a question that nobody could understand, therefore, nobody could answer. Except me. I got it figured out immediately. At another college, I got bored with professors just
rehashing the course textbook that they wrote, so I proceeding to disprove their
theoriees, tearing down their credability and their egs. The profs got even by
screwing with my grade but I did not care. My father is intellectually way high off the charts and I am carrying his genes. I like comedy such as Bullwinkle,
Bugs Bunny, the Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, and Woody Allen. My brand of humour tends to be very dry, very intellectual. I can only go out with very smart women otherwise I would pull my hair out. Please respond only if you really meet my requirements, otherwise, I will unleash the wrath of 10,000 Maniacs.2

I hope this is a joke. Really, I do.

But just one nitpicky point - The Three Stooges - very intellectual humour? I guess pie-throwing is very difficult... And I guess being smart precludes the use of proper grammar and spelling. Okay, that was two nitpicky points..

5'6" nice good looking guy Looking for Mary Jane Girl same height - 30

2005-05-31T23:34:00.000-04:00

Talk about not being able to spell..

Hi so Ive posted here pleanty of time met alot of intresting gals and had long conversations . But I still havent found the right woman to match with. I dont know what it is . I must be to picky . But Ill keep trying till I get it right because I know the right woman is out there for me. I like to do alot of activities. Mainly sox games I try to watch all games if not I hit the radio. I like body art like tattoo's Im personaly not into peircing not on me at least. But I do have a few tattoos. Im a brunette brown eyes 160 lbs athletic play some sports when I do :). I watch other sports like the Pats but Im mainly a baseball fan. Im a resident of boston I love boston I love the red sox / yankee rival . I enjoy dive bars, old school taverns ,live music ,Star wars 3 was great . I wair dickies and Im totaly into adidas wicked bad. I sometimes talk alot . And Im told I have an attitude but I am a libra if the signs mean anything to whoever. But Im cool. I work full time .I can cook my ass off and thats pretty much me . Im looking to connect with a woman with similar or same intrests I like long hair and nails . Basicly Im looking for a Victoria Gotti but with no children . I dont think children are bad at all. But if I want kids Ide rather have my own .. I would like to date a woman who is into herself and in shape but Im not sayin a bikini hard body but ya know what Im saying. Ok so if you would like to further get to know me .

Contact me it'll be fun and right finaly

I'm not sure English is even his first language. Whatever the reason for the pathetic stab at a proper use of the language, it's just.. who would even respond to this ad?

Let's get fucked up! - 35

2005-05-27T19:58:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling guilty of late because I haven't been posting here like I used to. I came across this winner today and just had to post it. Let's face it. If I was still willing to answer ads from CL, I might have had to respond to this one. He is, after all, a man after my heart.

i want to take a girl out on the town and get fucked up and have a really good time. this is going to be a good weekend.
here is my photo so send yours.
take care.

OK. So maybe it doesn't really help him that (1) he doesn't seem to know what the shift key is used for and (2) I really didn't like his photo.

I suppose I have been reading the ads for too long now because none of them seem to hold my interest much. A friend has been trying to goad me into signing up with Match.com. (Of course this friend is attached and is just hoping to live vicariously.) Every now and then I think, "Maybe," because of course it could give me so much more new material to post.

Exceedingly preppy ladies prepare yourselves... - 26

2005-05-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

I have to say, I really do like preppy (within reason). One of my favourite window displays was a J.Crew one a couple of years back - the tops of the mannequins were dressed appropriate, with shirt and tie, but the bottom half - only the boxers were there, the pants having been dropped to the ground. When passing by, my friend yelled out, "all the preppy guys I know do that!" It was funny. Anything, that non-sequiter aside..

Good afternoon, young women of the sweater-set. The Daft Preppy Gentlemen's Association of Woods Hole, in association with Living Like a Lord Industries, is now accepting candidates for introduction to our good time Memorial Day dust-up.

Traditionally, we have partaken in Herreshoff dingy races, wiffle ball on the lawn, taking of wine out-of-doors, and other leisure pursuits. Of course, waterview accomodations at a spacious old yankee ship captain's home will be provided.

Please, serious inquiries only. It would be excellent to see how you look in lilly pulitzer, cable knit, or nantucket red, so do feel free to send a picture. Mid-to-late nineties ISL pedigree preferred, but not necessary. Also, NESCAC more than Ivy, volvo more than saab, and more G & T than Cape Codder. Cheers and have a fine day.

Gosh, I've lived on the East coast too long, I actually understand everything in the ad (aside from ISL? Island single living? Icily salty laziness?) and find it appealing.

In Search of Second Girfriend ...........Not Secondary - 30

2005-05-13T11:09:00.000-04:00

I can't really decipher this posting. I believe it's a thinly veiled request for a threesome, but like I said, I can't really make it out.

Hey I posted here b4 and I must say I had pleanty of responces . Some more intresting then the next lol. Welp Here I go again my gf and I have been 2gether for about 5-6 years. We have some what of a solid relationship. Were both happy and have fulltime jobs. Im in my 30's and she's a litlle older then I am not by much though. We are totaly differ from each other. In alot of ways. I basicly looking to hook my GF up with a buddy , Becuase all her friend are married with children.(loved that show) no longer call, and have moved away. She isnt bi. Allthough she sais shed have to be drunk as hell. Well me ,Im a the liquor store grabbing some type of whiskey or Rum . Im not gonna push for that though . We both are smokers and light drinkers. We live in Brighton. Have 3 cats. we are registered republicans .We just went to a baseball game on Wensday I was in Section 89 row kk seats 7 and 8 the girl that was in 8 or 9 Im sorry for stairing you would have been perfect for our establishment.. haha but it was an awsome game Variteck hit a walk off ,perfect way to end the game. So anyway seek single gal normol in shape that does Yoga my gf would want a partner for that and then you 2 can hang out work out together . Me Ill be watching baseball working and screaming like a normol bostonian calling everybody retahdz just kidding. I am wicked fun and funnier then most. My gf travels sometime so that would be good if you like traveling and taking airplane. Im not going to fly havent ever since I was 12. And there ya have it youll get to go all over due to her job. Ive been asked pleanty of times. Ok well time for me to go to work you ladies have a nice day. Remember all the good guys are already takin. But you have to wonder why some guys always stay single , things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Yes, the entire post indeed makes me go hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Need a Woman to Teach me How to Suck Cock - 26

2005-05-10T18:12:00.000-04:00

I know this is a thinly-veiled request for a blowjob, but really.

I am looking to meet a woman who can teach me how to suck a cock. I am really interested in learning how to do this as I have never done it before and I am a little leery of just approaching a random guy.

Maybe I can throw a wrench in it by saying that I'll instruct, and bring someone for him to practice on. Hee!

Professor's daughters - 33

2005-05-05T09:12:00.000-04:00

If you are pressed for time, you only need to read the first sentence and the first part of the second sentence.

Professors' daughters tend to really like me; and I them. I am a professor, bookish, like trips to the symphony or a museum, but also enjoy the outdoors (biking, fishing, etc.) and the very occasional football game. Aside from reading, I really care more about who I spend time with than what we do. I am very intense and driven about my work but very easy-going, even boyish, otherwise.

Here are some ideal dates, if one or two of these resonate with you, we might hit it off:
* Read a book or essay during the week, talk about it over the weekend. (Or reading a play and then seeing it performed.)
* Go on a roadtrip, almost anywhere, really. The journey is normally more fun than the destination.
* Dinner/cocktail party with interesting people.
* Take a Red Cross first-aid course together.
* Lounging around watching CSPAN BookTV on the weekend.

Really, though, the key to the date is you.

And, of course, you do not have to be a professor's daughter.

Me: Fit, 5'9", decent looking, never married, educated at MIT and Stanford.

I'm not even going to go into how wrong that is. It's like some sort of weird twisted daddy complex. It gives me the shivers.

Additionally, taking a first-aid course with someone else is not my idea of a good date. Nor is reading a book AND THEN DISCUSSING IT. What are we, back in school? And CSPAN BookTV? No wonder this guy is placing an ad on CL.

(This ad rhymes.) : Are you petite? With small hands and feet? - 30

2005-05-01T11:46:00.000-04:00

Here is a bit of May Day poetry for you:

Are you tough but sweet, sometimes gruff?
You like it sometimes rough! Sometimes neat,
sometimes you make a mess? Look like a phenomenon when you wear a dress?
I'm a leg man, meaning I have two, so do you, you don't
have to, but to tango?
It takes two. Maybe me? Maybe you? What! Things, we could do!
I'm handsome. A gentleman. I've been around the world and then some.
I look like superman. Act super when I can. Able to sleep sundays
in a single span.
And you? 5'2" or less, those are the heights I like the best.
For the visual and the physical.
Small hands and feet I think are beautiful.
Small miracles are truthful. And mesmerise me like a pendulum.
I'd love to massage them.
Your personality? Spunky, "Don't take no junk" from me!
Independent, like Macguyver's female prodigy.
Happy, soft. Good, and onto something.
open to the world, not afraid to sing.
And me? What rhymes with unique?
If you said "freak", it's in the good way not like Frankentein.
And I don't drink wine, but I have smoked a special cigarette. The one that makes you feel fine. But only once in a while.
I ain't got no chile. And don't do much sinnin'.
on a spiritual path path since the beginnin'.
Currently a student of the law.
Stuffing my mind, with all kinds of junk.
My time is limited, my charms are many,
Maybe you'd be amenable to some "good and plenty?"
Just something casual, but filled with laughs. Sensual.
Two people's energy. Emotional, physical.

Sometime people just have too much time on their hands.

TRY BEING MORE JUDGEMENTAL. IT'S SO SEXY!

2005-04-29T10:15:00.000-04:00

This guy is obviously looking for a good fight.

Oh my god you are so sexy. It's not your boobs, it's not your hair, it's not your sexy, bedroom eyes. It's the way you look me up and down, throw your nose into the air and say "I am sooo much better than you" and waddle off the bus like you're Paris fucking Hilton. It makes me so horny I can't even speak. It makes me want to get down on my knees and share my feelings with you. It makes me wish I could kiss your ass and give you all of my time, energy and money for the rest of my life. My god, what I must be missing by not having you in my life day in and day out!

He is missing a great deal not having me around.

Seriously, women. Get over yourselves. We know what we look like, and we know what you look like, and everyone who doesn't live in a movie knows it doesn't matter. There is no state of being pretty enough to "deserve" anything, and as a matter of fact, you get uglier every day. We might still be willing to fuck you, but trust me, we notice your bad attitudes. Your beauty is only there to get you noticed, not make us love you. Remember that.

I do deserve stuff. Sheesh. And he's a bit confused about the aging thing. I know that I get better looking every day.

Also, quite frankly, possessing a vagina doesn't make you smart. You're about 1/10th as bright as you think you are, and, in terms of the things that really matter, you might be a complete idiot and no one will ever tell you.
There is only one life to live, and all the rights in the world won't produce a man on god's green earth that wants to care about a pompous bitch. I'm trying to help.

The vagina is the result of the two x chromosomes. It is these chromosomes that may make me brilliant. The vagina is merely evidence of their existence.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that being a bitch is a bid for equal rights in a nasty world. But if you're serious about love, you better consider the fact that you might not be anywhere near as good at it as you think you are.

I know you're thinking "who the hell do you think you are?" -- but it really doesn't matter. If you're thinking that, you can't be helped anyway, so leave the men alone. The bottom line is, women, you have no genuine control over us, and you never will. The best you can do is go shopping. But shopping for men is not like shopping for a new purse. We're as silent as the mirror on your wall, but we see you judging us. And we're judging you right back.

Hmmm ... I have no control? He must love his hands a great deal.

The funniest MSW AD in the WORLD

2005-04-28T12:01:00.000-04:00

I'll admit it. I am drawn to the ads that read like novels these days. It gives you much more room for commentary.

If you are going to put the effort of placing an ad you should take the time to write one that reflects who you are and the type of person that you interested in meeting. Many other ads seem to be placed by wealthy Mensa member Brad Pitt look a likes that are addicted to acronyms like SWM seeking G/D/E/ @###. This ad is mostly free of acronyms and tries to paint a picture of who I am and who I am looking to meet. If I can help it I do not jump out of airplanes onto a motorcycle. The reason that I chose to try Craigslist is because my other method of meeting women, randomly honking them on the street has not been working. Perhaps if I was in a car it would work better.

So you are sitting in front of your computer at work or at home reading the personal ads. You might be actively looking to meet someone or you just think that they are fun glimpse into the psyche of the Bay Area.
The women of this city have so many choices of ads to respond to so I wanted to make this ad fun to read and easy to respond to.
So I have come up with a few questions to make responding to this ad easier than renting office space in Soma.

(Per recommendations I have placed the questions near the top of the ad to make it easier for the Craigslist Public to respond to these questions)
______________________________________________________________________
Also if you think, I really liked this ad but I am not going to take the time out of my dashing life to answer a bunch of questions for a person that may not be my type (we all have a “type” of person that we are attracted to and there is nothing wrong with that) simply respond by saying, “I liked your ad but before I take time out of my dashing life to answer all of your silly questions send me a photo (the one of you and the dog that is not yours,) so I can determine if you are my type and thus we save us both a good deal of time.

And I do not care if you are simply responding to get the picture of the dog. The dog that is not mine is a really cool dog.
________________________________________________________________________

You: Do you smile more times than not? Are you happy person?
Question: What is the most appealing thing about you when someone sees you for the first time? Has known you for a year?

Question: Describe yourself to someone that needs to pick you out of a crowd of people (Not really a question)

Question: What motivated you to 1) read the Craigslist personals? 2) Read my ad? 3) Respond to my ad? Any Crazy Craigslist or Personals stories?

Question: What is your favorite Holiday and why?

Question: What is funny to you?

Question: The stigma of “We met on the Internet” has died down as of recently but it is still fun to make up a bit of shared personal mythology on how we met. We are at a swanky Cocktail party and I meet your friends for the first time. How would you tell them how we met?

More questions if you are the type of woman that thinks, “Random strangers simply do not ask enough questions of me!”
1) If they made a movie about your life what type of movie would it be?
2) What is the best part about living where you live?
3) If you had to recommend a book, a movie and a CD to me what would you suggest?
4) What is the funniest thing you have ever done?
5) What makes you smile?
6) On an airplane are you a window or aisle?
7) What is in your CD player now?
8) If you could hang out with the characters from Seinfeld or Friends what would it be?
9) You are flying to Austraila. What movies would you want playing?
10) Describe your ideal first date with someone you meet via the Internet.
11) How active is the word “Hella” in your general vocabulary?

Bonus Points Do you play Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit?

Bonus Points: Send a photo of yourself (not required but remember, you get bonus points!)

Double Bonus Points: If you have a pet send their picture too.

Tell me how you would you use these bonus points.

About me I am a 34-year-old white male I have black hair and brown eyes with broad shoulders. If David Spade is your idea of the ideal man then I am not the one you are looking for. I love dogs but own the coolest cat. Currently my favorite band is Cornershop and I am hoping to have Tom Jones and Neil Diamond to tour together. I like to read and go to Java Beach.. I enjoy quiz night and Oakland A’s games. I am monolingual but I am in the process of learning Italian as I hope to travel there next year. I have screwed up toast and melted butter on separate occasions but I make good shellfish. My favorite city abroad is London and my favorite American city to visit is New Orleans.

An example of a funny thing that I do is I take down the phone number of payphones at baseball games. I then step away from the phone and then dial it using my cell. Watching people stopping to pick up the phone is always funny.

If you respond to the ad I will send you a photo with a dog and me. The dog in the picture that I would send is not mine. He is a very cool dog. If you want I can send another photo with me on a pyramid. If you do not like animals then you may not want to respond as I like dogs and cats.
OK and what about you…

Age: I am 34 years old so the youngest you can be according to the half your age plus seven rule is 23.5 but I prefer women that are at least 26. If you’re interested I can show you the brilliant math, which will win me a Nobel Prize if it’s a slow year in Math.

The basis for this age range is that each person should date someone that has the same memories of Saturday Morning Cartoons as your own. One thing that bugs me is that cartoons seem to be replaced by third rate teenage sitcoms/soups about starting a rock band in high school in California.

Geography: I am seeking someone that is geographically desirable to North Beach as I work there and thus am in the neighborhood quite a bit.

Here are some random facts about me and some likes/dislikes

I do not like it when you go into a public restroom and not only do they have those electric hand dryers, someone chooses to save electricity and sets the thing on low so you give up and then wipe your hands on your pants and you cannot look cool with wet marks on your pants.

I do not like over ripe bananas.

My favorite show is The Office on BBC America.

My favorite albums of all time are Blood on the Tracks, When I was born for the seventh time, Pet Sounds, Super Fly Soundtrack and the White Album.

I like smaller movie theaters (I will choose the Balboa over the Metreon). They have double features.

Big fan of quality randomness.

My favorite place to go is Java Beach in the Sunset.

I have a black and white tuxedo cat. If you are allergic to cats or you want to steal cats please do not respond.

I like bars or clubs where one does not have to fight to get to the bar to order a drink. Bonus points if they have couches.

If the weather is nice during football season I would rather be outside doing something than hanging around the house watching the game.

Dogs like me. If you have a dog then you will get bonus points. You will also get points if you have a cat.

If I have to go to a grocery store I would rather go to Trader Joes.

I like coffee places that offer refills. I also like it when they have couches.

When I go to one of those places that have one of those self serve soft serve ice cream machines, I put on all of the different toppings. I do not go to these places often.

All used books stores should have a cat. It just makes sense. Or a dog.

I like day baseball games. Especially weekday games on a sunny day.

Farmers markets are a good thing.

Instead of a dream car I go on a lot of random trips.

I think women look good with glasses. Black rimmed classes are even better.

My favorite English Football team is QPR (bonus points if you can tell me what that stands for)

I think accents are sexy.

I like carnivals but do not like carnival rides.

Used to have a fear of red jello and a current fear of being locked into a porta pottie..

As far as cooking I make really good shell fish but somehow managed to screw up the melted butter.

Even though I have been living in the Bay Area for several years I still think the way the sunset over the pacific and reflects on the ocean is beautiful. (I am not going to say I like walks on the beach as I do but this ad is generally a cliché free ad)

My favorites authors are Douglas Adams, Zadie Smith Nick Hornby, John Irving and Kurt Vonegut.

When I first moved to the Bay Area I thought North Beach would have an actual beach.

I do not know how Airplanes fly.

I am more attracted to teachers over Strippers.

All of my knowledge and opinions on current events is based on theonion,com.

INTP but I am outgoing.

I have the theme from the Dukes of Hazard on my iPod.

I enjoyed writing this ad and getting a response from you will make me smile.

So in exchange for responding to my questions you will get a picture of me and a dog (that is not mine but is a very cool dog). I will answer any crazy questions that you may have.

Tell me random things about you.

You get bonus points if you send a photo of yourself but it is not required. I do not know what you would do with the bonus points anyway. Try to get a discount at a bookstore or something. Or if you are traveling you can tell the gate agent that you have bonus points, Let me know if that works.

He actually included a picture with the ad too. The dog was cute -- a white fluffy thing like Gloria likes. That's all I'll say about the photo.

Incredibly dashing swain looking for dreamboat cutie pie (Karate Sex). - 25

2005-04-26T19:08:00.000-04:00

I am sort of amused by this ad. I don't think I should be, but I am:

I'm a Midwestern transplant, originally from the Chicagoland area. After finishing up my bachelor's I settled in Boston to work doing electrical engineering. Benefits to dating me:

1. I make a decent amount of money. That doesn't mean I'll spend it on you, but it does mean that monetary issues will never dominate the relationship. In other words, we can eat at the Olive Garden all seven days of the week, baby. No Taco Bell. Unless you want it, and even then, we can get A LOT of Taco Bell.

2. I own my own car. If the mood catches us right, we can copulate (fuck) on the hood. I doubt that will happen though, since females and my Catholic upbringing have made me incredibly insecure, meaning that I'd never bring up the possibility for fear of being rejected, and if you were to bring it up I'd feel incredibly guilty and embarrassed (and end up just jerking off to the fantasy in my shower).

3. I enjoy black humor. By that, I mean not Bernie Mac or any of the "Original Kings of Comedy," but rather, jokes about ethnicities, sexual orientations, sexual perversions, and children who've been killed by serial killers. It's okay though, because I am ethnic (you'll have to guess which races!), I have friends who are gay (and who love it when I mock them for coming out of the closet and making such hard choices in their lives), am sexuality perverted (see: 2), and have dominated (killed) children*.

4. My friends are awesome, but none of them live in this city. My friend Frodo** in New York is a writer who knows lots of other famous writers, and sometimes, he'll call and tell me the fun things he does. Anytime he calls and tells me what famous rockstar he had dinner with just to rub it in my face while I watch a Miami Vice DVD, I promise I'll relay the story to you! My friend Bilbo*** owns a casino and can eat thirteen lobsters in one sitting! No friends in Boston means all of my attention will go towards you and cable television.

5. I have my own condo, with no roommates. This means we could have dirty anal sex right on the floor of my kitchen without the drummer of some shitty band I'm forced to live with walking in on us. Seriously. I can be balls deep in your ass for hours without anyone seeing us (unless being watched turns you on and is something you're game for, in which case, see: 2).

If you're interested in meeting for sodapop and cuddling, please be female. I will be male. If you wish, we can meet in a parking lot somewhere, and I'll do as many push-ups in front of you as I can before you decide to go anywhere with me. I'll probably respond to any responses which include pictures much quicker than I will just text. This is because I will be able to tell if you are sexy from your pictures (if they're recent). It's okay if you're not sexy, because sexiness is subjective, and don't take it the wrong way if I don't respond. That just means you either need cosmetic surgery, or you need to send your photo to other Craigslist posts, ones like SKINNY BWM NEEDS A FAT FUCK or WANT METH? SWAP FOR BLOWJOB (FACIAL). Those people may very well be able to offer you things I cannot.

All I want is a woman I can be proud to show on my arm at TGIFriday's (we will go there days of the week other than Friday, if that is your desire).

Oh. About me. I'm large build, about 6'3" feet, 230 pounds. Half Irish, and half Italian, half Dutch (I know that's three halves---my penis is huge). I have hair and eyes (2), and no facial blemishes or herpes or anything like that. My friend Jim says I'm a "sexy beast," whatever that means. I don't know the too-cool-for-school lexicon these days.

*I have not killed children. This was an example of black humor. Time to huff paint!

**Not his real name.

***His real name****.

****That is a joke. Let's kill children to gain power!

See? There's something amusing about it.I'm really not sure what. Maybe it's because my work is so non-amusing. Or unamusing, if you like. However, he's an enormous person at 6'3 and 230lbs, and probably could crush me by sitting on me. So we'll skip this one (too).

Wear your Pajamas 2 A FOUR STAR - 40

2005-04-24T20:35:00.000-04:00

There are those days when I never feel like getting out of my pajamas..

Ok, I am bright, athletic, professional, PhD, Earthy Crunchy for a scientist, whitty...and off beat. I am fit, 6-1, 210, brown hair (hey, on the spur of the moment I got a buzz cut yesterday, so who knows if it matters).

I like doing things that interrupt everyday reality....it makes for a fun date.

Here is my latest interest:

1. We have never met
2. We are going to dinner
3. We are going to a nice expensive restaurant in town.
4. We are going to meet "there." So, how will we know each other....

WELL.....We are probably going to be the only two people in restaurant who have shown up for dinner IN THEIR PAJAMAS, BATHROBE AND SLIPPERS (sorry no "bed head" or curlers please).

Since we are having dinner in the heart of the city, we will be picked up afterward, by that nice coach driver with the white horse....and we will trot over to Newbury Street.

So, here is the question for you: What should we either throw to or shout at the people on the side walk...as we trot by? I was thinking maybe we could throw Mardi Gras Bead Strands or something like that

Caveat: If you are one of the Pic4Pic Pixies...it's past your bedtime...Just assume I look like Shrek or something. I used to look more like Nick Nolte...but imagine him with a buzz cut? HORROR!...Well, it's day 2, so I am starting to think I look alright and I have stopped wearing the baseball hat in the house and on the street. :-)

I am poetic. Are you?

I'm sorry, he looks like this, but with a buzzcut? Or he looks like this? I mean, I don't know what's worse. And yes, while I do love wearing my PJs everywhere - there are limits - in other words, not outside of your house. Although once I did wear my nightgown with a long coat over it because I was supposed to pick up my friend at the airport and I figured that I wasn't going to get out of my car - but of course, I ended up having to park and wait for her, so if you were at Logan about a month back really early in the morning and saw some nutcase walking around in just a coat and flipflops even though it was only 50 degrees or so - well, that was me.

It would also be funny if he got kicked out of a restaurant for doing this. At one of the restaurants my friend and I went to in New Orleans, they required all guys to wear sports jackets. It was so much fun to watch the startchy maitre d' just look at the tourists with polite disdain. And yes, if guys wanted to dine there, they had to don a sports jacket if they weren't wearing one, no matter what else they were wearing.

But I digress. This guy is so bizarre, I have nothing more to say about him.

Any hot girls in cowboy hats?? - 24

2005-04-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

Boston is really boring when it comes to interesting ads. But that's because this whole city is boring.

I like hot city girls in cowboy hats. if you own one thats a start. email me and we can exchange pics or whatever it is people do after replying to these things. i wanna get to know you. me and my friends are very fun. im a recent grad very good looking and very normal now working and abusing multiple substances on the weekends. got a photosite too. not a creepy close up pic most weirdos take with their webcam

I make fun of girls who wear cowboy hats out. While there are appropriate occassions where wearing a cowboy hat is okay, these occassions are few and far between. One time one of my exes wore a cowboy hat out, and I made fun of him non-stop To His Face, because I am ruthless like that. But girls who wear cowboy hats out... I'm just like no. You look stupid. But obviously this guy here doesn't care. And he's even normal, eh? HAH! "Normal" by CL standards, perhaps, which means in the real world that he's one of those people with whom you just don't want to walk on the same side of the street.

The Serial Poster in the flesh

2005-04-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

Please explain this ad to me. I was thoroughly confused. Then again, maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's almost 8 PM and I'm still at work.

Here is a fan letter in which she refers to "ex-model" I think you might enjoy.
-
Dear Serial Poster,
Just got back from an excellent day of skiing at Heavenly! I thought I wrote you this morning, thanking you for the picture (that wasn't winning, I just need a picture of you to display in my coffee mug :)...but it doesn't show that it sent....so thank you. I am curious...your post last night, about the guy I was talking about....you wrote it just a few minutes before I wrote to you....that's crazy....you were thinking the same thing I was....great minds think alike :-) . You were not that hard on him...hello...who is that stupid...did you see "Napoleon Dynamite"....remember the uncle that did all the foot ball stuff...that is just like this guy...he wasn't attractive then...wonder what he looks like now:0 Maybe I should reply to him with something like this: "Drop dead sexy, ex-hair model (I did a hair show ONCE), 5'9", I once weighed 113lbs, I was a virgin at one time...a little over 20 years ago, I also tried out once for a part in a movie AND almost got it. I am stuck in a long distance relationship with someone...well a couple "someones", they are out of town...now living in San Quintin (it really is a nice area), looking for company, someone to walk on the beach with, someone to be my soul mate, help me pay bills and maybe have dessert (I LOVE whipped cream!!!)...I am clean....every third day after I shower....but really...I do still have all my teeth...well at least it looks like I do, when I don't smile all the way...."I think he needs to kick his own ass for being so ridiculous!!!!
It's been a pleasure as always!
Signed, Biggest fan
-
So as you can see I'm not the only one in the melting pot of diatribe.
Glad to have you sista!
-
I love this guys ad. It rules, (sound of me bowing down) Here you go....
-
"Sexy Macho Latin Lover wants hot Chica - 32"
-
Hola Chicas,
I am Rico, and I look for women who can handle my fire. Fire from the thrust of my hips and my huge manhood. I love hot cars and even hotter women. You would like to ride in my Z-28, yes? It is flaming red and hot like my manhood. I can teach you the sexual Rumba, and your head will explode like a hot tamale! You will scream, “Jesus Christo! My head explode like a hot tamale!” But no, not Jesus Christo, it is Rico that make you scream when your head explode like a hot tamale --from red hot salsa manhood you become slave to.
You think they tough in East LA? let me show you tough. I drink gasoline. I eat metal appliances. I shit on homies from East LA and they say, “Oh no, it is Rico, come to East LA to steal our bitches and eat our metal appliances.” And yes, I steal the bitches and all burn up in the fire of hot Rumba passion, making your head explode like a hot tamale.
I show you machismo. I drink homies gasoline and drive away in my red hot Z-28 and all homies say, “Oh no, Rico drink our gasoline and drive away with our bitches.”
So, if you look real nice and you like hot picante in your panties then we get together and have a real good time.
RICO
-
- Ok that is sweet. It's not vote for Pedro, it's vote for Rico!
The Serial Poster

I'd love to post the photo, but Gloria won't let me.

Travis Bickle seeking Jodie Foster - 32

2005-04-18T22:40:00.000-04:00

I thought that I would keep the movie theme of recent weeks going. I also felt this was especially appropriate as the San Francisco International Film Festival kicks off this week.

...well, not really. But if you got this far, you know about cinema and have a twisted sense of humour. That scores five points.

MOI

I value three things in myself and my companions: a sense of history, a sense of tragedy, and a sense of irony. That tempered with an agile wit. I like a good joke, especially a dirty one.

Vocationally speaking, I work in the film industry with very off-Hollywood, independent material. Before that, I toiled on the Farm for an elusive PhD in literature.

Besides film, I have a wide variety of interests that are de rigeur for a thirtysomething San Franciscan but rather boring to enumerate (music, literature, crack cocaine, etc.).

I won't be so vulgar as to disclose my stats but I am slim, fit, dark-haired, bespectacled, and women have referred to me as "unbearably cute". I can dig up a photo if you insist.

TOI

I don't dig "types" or endless bullet point lists of qualifications. However, it would be nice if you were cute, between 25-40, and a patroness of the arts.

If that sounds like you, don't hesitate to drop a line. If you can send me your photo (or at least a titillating description), I would be most grateful.

By the way, I would like to meet my online friends in person sooner or later but I hold no expectations beyond stimulating conversation (nor should you).
Oh ... and I was frightened the minute I read "Travis Bickle."

Play my game, "Crazy Cock Eyes", and win $100! - 29

2005-04-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

Can you tell I have a lot of paper-writing to do? That's when posts appear aplenty.

Step right up, Step right up! Play my game, "Crazy Cock Eyes" and you could win $100.

Here's how the game works, you and I meet and you have a period of 2 hours to make me cum and make my eyes go crazy cock eyed as I'm cumming. If you can make me cum within that 2 hours you win $100. If you make me cum 2 times in 2 hours then you win the bonus prize of $150. My job is to resist you and prevent my eyes from going crazy cock eyed. Step right up and have some fun!

This week's winners are:

Mandy Cullers from Branford, CA just won $100!
Deborah Savvy from West Hollywood, CA won $100!
Denise Hunt of Westchester, CA won $100 just today!
Lanie Cartwright of Glendale, CA won the bonus prize of $150 by making me CRAZY COCK EYED 2 times in 2 hours!!

Try your luck at "Crazy Cock Eyes" today!

Hm. It's like, I don't even know what to say. Now, while I'm not expert on the male "refractory period", I don't feel like getting him to get his rocks off twice in two hours should be that hard of a task? And seriously, to post real names - I really hope that that's a made up list and not actually stupid girls who fell for this.

Is this ad also posted by the same game guy, but since he's a year older he decided to change the "game"? I mean, then at least he gets laid/blown/whatever more often.

SeekingAngryDepressedFeministW/TonsOfBaggage+DelusionsOfGrandeur - 25

2005-04-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

Here we go, I've found a winner.

I've been in love twice.

The first was my high school sweetheart. A budding feminist and gay rights activist she filled me with questions that turned my world up side down. And she loved me, in her own patronizing way, despite the fact that I was a straight white male; after all I couldn't help the way I was born.

She never knew her father, she hated her stepfather. During the course of the year we dated she dumped me twice.

When we finally broke it off for good she came out as a Lesbian and dated a woman for three years.

We tried to be friends until she told me never to call her again.

Eight years after our first kiss we have that kind of deep loving friendship that normally only close siblings share.

The second was a girl I met while working in a grocery store post college trying desperately not to move back home. A depressed, angry, needy chameleon with dreams of becoming a rock star. As happy with hippies as hob-knobbing in NY. Her mother died when she was young and she hated her whole family for how they dealt with her in the aftermath. She hated her father most of all.

She was kicked out of Smith, she was careless with money, she wrote venomous poetry, she fooled around with other girls, she did a stint as a stripper in LA, she loved Maui and was always looking to get away.

Her love was ruthless. All-consuming and honest, it was perfect. In the end she walked down a path I didn't have the courage to. She took another lover and my jealously was ultimately unquenchable.

And that brings me to today, 11 months later. I am enjoying a nice stable new relationship with a nice stable Ivy educated girl. She had a wonderful child hood, she loves both her parents and they love her and they love each other. She has wonderful siblings, wonderful roommates, a wonderful job, acceptance letters to wonderful grad schools, etc. Her future looks healthy happy and productive.

She has a good heart, good taste in music, good friends. She is good to me and she is good in bed.

And yet she does not tug at my heart strings. She does not inflame my passions. She does not call me into the fire. Hence this post.

Are you the next love of my life? Do you fit the description in the title?

I want to have my world rocked again.

I promise you nothing less than true love.

To top it off, he attached pics from Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes/Leonardo diCaprio version), Indecent Proposal, and Moulin Rouge, along with a quote from the first movie, "my only love sprung from my only hate". To say this guy has issues is definitely understating matters. Destructive love is.. well, destructive. And painful. And so goshdarn melodramatic that it gives me a headache.

I'm tired of being admired for my mind. I want to be a sex object 40s

2005-04-10T15:02:00.000-04:00

Passionate - m4w

According to the last psychologist who tested my IQ I am in the top mil or thousandth 1/1000 of the population. Argghh! Please help me escape from that bad news into the wonderful world of hot primal lust again. Whenever some lovely woman compliments my intellect it seems that I am expected to be grateful. It also seems to mean that I am not going to get physical. I am attracted by a variety of ages and styles of beautiful women... Could it include a woman like you?

Having an overdeveloped intellect is like having an oversize set of breasts or penis. The desired person of the opposite gender too often takes one look and says "WOW then WHOA" and then walks away to avoid you. Thoughts arise that interfere with joy. "That is unusual" then "Can I relate to something that large". "Can I get my arms around that" "Will it get too deep" or "What position can I take with that" But hey honest ;-) My IQ drops when I am around beautiful women.

I do not want to be called a genius I want to be called to your bed. I would rather not be thought of as a walking encyclopaedia "a brain" by some woman. I would rather be thought of as her pillow "a tongue" just for her. I do not want women looking up to me as a scholar. I want for me to be looking up to you literally while you ride me like a cowgirl. I don't want to be thought of saying things like "why is there air?". I want to be thought of as saying "houmpf help let me khurf come up for air". I do not want to be remembered for my thoroughness thinking of permutations to a problem. I want to be remembered for the thoroughness I pay to your body. I do not want to win playing Trivial Pursuit against five people again. I want to pursue you naked around the bed. I have a mind but I also have wit and a body. Each time that I have had a lover they have found it worth while. Let us put our books and the internet aside. There are other things to research and explore. What feels best skin on skin. That is as important as what ideas work best. If you respond to this I am sure that you are unusual yourself. Please plan a few days in advance. Let us go from being erudite to being monosyllabic. More... slow... fast... here.. there... Ahhhh... Please contact me I cant guarantee that I can please you but I do want to amuse you.

Thanks for the great response and I have had a lot of fun exchanging emails. I do hope that a few of you will take the time to go beyond email exchange and meet me in person.

One disappointment has been women who having seen my family pictures refuse to meet me because though my father and half sister are blondes my mother is not White.

Positive v-words

v-word QUAKE - did it rock you too ?

v-word SUGAR - any girl want some ?

v-word FEELS - yes, from the heart !

No, I don't know what v-words are, perhaps because I'm not as smart as this fellow here. It's just too bad, isn't it.

I was going to digress into a whole discussion regarding IQ, but I won't because quite honestly I'm sleepy and don't feel like it.

But, I do have a really simple solution for this guy, who is tired of being appreciated for his brain and wants to be appreciated for the prowess he brings to the bedroom. Stop talking about your IQ. Look at how easy that was!

Can I Toss Your Salad?

2005-04-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

As a Chris Rock fan, I just had to post this one.

Tall, clean-cut, good looking, fit SWM here...

You supply the salad...I'll supply the dressing and some

If you've got a cute small or round butt or curvaceous ass? Hit me up!

Ummm...the answer is no.

Academic Boys Can Deliver Everlasting Frolic - 26

2005-04-08T08:51:00.000-04:00

Genuine Heroism Is Just Knowing Love. Mindful Nobles Offer Peace. Quiet Reveals Simple Truths. USA Vents Wanton Xenophobia. You? Zen.

It took me awhile to figure out why this one was reading so weird. At first I thought it was the poster, and that English wasn't his first language or something. Then I started looking for code words or a subliminal message, because I'm all suspicious like that. Then I realised that he was just being stupid and that it wasn't anything exciting at all, as is the case with so many posts of late. How am I supposed to be funny and mean if I don't have any material?

Artist Looking for a Female Benefactor - 35

2005-04-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

Ah, well, here's an offer no female would ever be able to pass up.

Honest, handsome, in shape, very gifted male artist is bridging the gap between art and business. There are numerous business opportunities for me as an ambitious artist. I'm seeking a woman who is willing to look at the opportunities at hand and invest in my situation. Additional and discreet personal benefits are available to the right person. Please be open-minded. I don't drink or do drugs and am very focused.

If you can appreciate this situation and are able to assist through an investment of at least $50K, which will benefit you financially, please send a pic and I will respond.

Serious inquiries only please.

That's right. $50K. Do you want to see it spelled out with zeros? Okay. $50,000. He wants a female to invest a big freaking chunk of money in him. Actually, I don't know if that's so much an "investment" as it is "chucking money out the window". And it's not so much benefiting the benefactor as it is benefiting him.

Additionally, I'd like to know what these "numerous business opportunities" are that require so much money. Does it, say, involve stuffing cocaine behind the frames of his canvases for overseas exportation, à la The French Connection? I'm so curious..

GET PAST THE FIRST THREE SENTENCES. - 30

2005-04-03T18:14:00.000-04:00

Look! It's a dare! Can you get past the first three sentences?

I drink from the carton. I fart with discretion. If absolutely necessary, only under the most tenable of circumstances, I may even pick my nose. That said, I'm fairly handsome guy. I have good hygeine. I shower daily, floss and wash under my armpits. I don't work out but I've been consistently playing basketball at a high level for most of my life. Which means my body is pretty much perfect. Although I do have a heart shaped blemish on my left shoulder and one middle finger is about 1/16 of an inch shorter than the other. I also have large Cro Magnon hands which allow me to hurl small boulders at would be attackers.
Yes, I have a career. Yes, I'm happy with it. Is it my be all end all? Not sure. I don't think the future is concrete and one should be open to any possiblity or opportunity.

Intelligent women turn me on. Ignorant women turn me off. I hope you approach life with some sense of purpose and style. You should also have relatively good hygeine. I'm not into women with hairy armpits, unless, of course, you're French. That's excusable. American women already have too many issues and I'm willing to endure them all, but profuse body hair is just not cool. I also hope you have the right values and can appreciate life for its ups and downs. Not just the really exciting parts. Physically speaking, just be in relatively good shape. I'm not saying I have a sex chair or leather swing but I don't want to have to give you an oxygen pump after walking up two flights of stairs.

Remember this, everything you've just read means nothing if there is no chemistry, that all important elusive vibration that makes two people, one.

Be patient. Be supportive. Be present.

I sound like a chick!

See, my problem is that I got past the first three sentences - and kept reading. Fairly handsome - in whose opinion? His mother's? No mother is ever going to call her child ugly - at least not to his face. A perfect body from playing basketball? What if I don't consider basketball bodies perfect but prefer soccer players or swimmers? Hmmm? I do like that he pointed out his hand size - I'm sure it's supposed to be a sly allusion to his penis size, but rather, it makes me think that he hasn't fully developed into a homo sapiens, but is rather caught somewhere betwixt our ancestors and how we are now. And if he doesn't want a woman with hairy armpits, am I allowed to demand that I want a virtually hairless guy? I'm so not a fan of the massive amounts of fuzz some guys have, and I feel that since he has Cro-Magnon hands, he might have Cro-Magnon body hair EW! His ego obviously hasn't evolved from a neanderthalish state, and thus, I'm not going to be patient with, supportive of, nor present for him.

YOUR MOTHER AND I AGREED - YOU SHOULD STOP DATING PSYCHOS!!! - 37

2005-04-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

I am very sorry that the following ad is in all-caps, but that's the way this particular guy wrote it and I like to give y'all the full impact of his words.

WELL, THE QUANDRY THAT IS MY LIFE CAN BE DESCRIBED AS FOLLOWS... I'M TRUELY A DYNAMIC FIGURE, INTENSE MULTITASKER AND EXTREME IN EVERYTHING I DO. I OFTEN REMODEL TRAIN STATIONS ON MY LUNCH BREAKS MAKING THEM MORE EFFICIENT IN THE AREA OF HEAT RETENTION. I TRANSLATE ETHNIC SLURS FOR CUBAN REFUGEES, I WRITE AWARD WINNING OPERAS, AND WOO WOMEN WITH MY SENSUOUS AND GODLIKE GAZOO PLAYING. I'M A HIGH ALTITUDE WOOD CHOPPING CHAMPION AND AN UNDERWATER CARD SHUFFELING SHARK. I'M AN EXPERT IN STUCCO, A VETERAN IN LOVE AND AN OUTLAW IN PERU. USING ONLY A HOE AND A DIXIE CUP OF WATER, I ONCE SINGLE HANDEDLY DEFENDED A SMALL VILLAGE FROM A HORDE OF FERROCIOUS ARMY ANTS. I PLAY BLUEGRASS CELLO, I'M THE SUBJECT OF NUMEROUS DOCUMENTARIES AND ENJOY URBAN HANGGLIDING. ON WEDNESDAYS, I REPAIR ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES FREE OF CHARGE. I'M AN ABSTRACT ARTIST, A CONCRETE ANALYST AND A RUTHLESS BOOKIE. CRITICS WORLDWIDE SWOON OVER MY ORIGINAL LINE OF CORDUROY EVENNING WEAR. I'M A PRIVATE CITIZEN, YET I RECEIVE FAN MAIL. I BAT 400, CHILDREN TRUST ME, AND I CAN HURL TENNIS RACKETS AT SMALL MOVING OBJECTS WITH DEADLY ACCURACY. I POSE FOR TROPHIES, I KNOW THE EXACT LOCATION OF EVERY ITEM IN HOME DEPOT, AND I'VE PERFORMED SEVERAL COVERT OPERATIONS WITH THE C.I.A. I DREAM WHILE SLEEPING IN MOTION. I BALANCE, I WEAVE, I DODGE, I FROLIC, AND MY BILLS ARE ALL PAID. I'M A MASTER IN FULL CONTACT ORIGAMI. I'VE WON BULL FIGHTS IN SAN JUAN, CLIFF DIVING COMPETITIONS IN DEATH VALLEY, AND SPELLING BEES AT THE KREMLIN. I'VE PLAYED HAMLET, PERFORMED OPEN HEART SURGERY AND HAVE SPOKEN WITH ELVIS. I ONCE READ PARADISE LOST, MOBY DICK, AND WAR & PEACE IN ONE AFTERNOON AND STILL HAD TIME TO BUILD THAT ADDITION. MY DEFT FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS HAVE EARNED ME FAME IN INTERNATIONAL BOTANY CIRCLES AND I'M A CHEF BY TRADE AT THE ETHEOPIAN CAFE. MY SPECIALTY IS A CHICKLET AND A PLATE OF DUST.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF B.S. BUT HOPEFULLY YOU SMILED AT LEAST ONCE WHILE READING THIS - IF SO, I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU AND SHARE SOME LAUGHS!

SO, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE.... I'M SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GIRL, WHO IS SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ALL AROUND GREAT GUY. (BONUS POINTS IF YOU LIKE TO GO BIKING, ROLLERBLADING, HIKING, PLAYING TENNIS, RUNNING ON THE BEACH ETC.) YOU SHOULD BE TRYING TO CREATE A HEALTHY BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH INVOLVES SOMEONE SPECIAL. PLEASE BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE AND ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN A "REAL" CONVERSATION. WE WILL GET ALONG GREAT IF YOU HAVE A SARCASTIC SENCE OF HUMOR, A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON LIFE ARE CLOSE TO YOUR FAMILY, HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE TRULY PASSIONATE ABOUT, ARE SPONTANEOUS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - ABLE TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE.

NOW OBVIOUSLY SINCE I'M ON THIS SITE, I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE HOW I MEET A SWEETHEART OF A GIRL, JUST AS LONG AS I DO. SO, IF YOU THINK WE'RE ON THE SAME TRACK, BUT JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT; THEN DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND SEND A PICTURE WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I CAN PUT A NAME WITH A FACE.

MY ONLY 2 DATING PREREQUISITES ARE THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF BLACK SHOES. (I HAVE A WONDERFUL MOM, FIVE SISTERS AND TEN NIECES, SO I KNOW THIS IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FROM 99% OF THE FEMALE POPULATION.) AND YOU SHOULD POSSES THE INNATE ABILITY TO KEEP MY PLANTS ALIVE. TRUST ME, ANYONE CAN BE BETTER AT THIS THAN ME - I KILL EVERYTHING! SO, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU CAN PROVIDE ME WITH MY 2 HUMBLE REQUESTS, THEN I'LL PROMISE TO INDULGE YOU IN THE DELUSION THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING AND HUMOR YOU IN YOUR SCENARIOS THAT YOUR SYSTEMS SAVE YOU TIME. WHAT CAN I SAY - I'M A GIVER. WELL, I’M OFF TO GRAB A BITE SINCE I’M SO FRICKIN’ HUNGRY RIGHT NOW I’M STARTING TO SEE DEAD RELATIVES. UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP SMILIN', WORK AND PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, CALL YOUR MOTHER, AND HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE DAY!
CAZIMIR :)

Obviously, this is another LA ad. I have stopped reading the Boston ones because they are full of whiny mama's boys. But that's besides the point. Really, my mother and he agreed that I should stop dating psychos? Well, I think that I'll unfortunately have to pass on this guy too.

(And why does he want a female with an extensive collection of black shoes? True, I have my share, but really.. maybe he has a black shoe fetish. Weirder people are out there.)

SPERM SEEKING EGG - 36

2005-04-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

Every time I turn around, someone is announcing that she is pregnant. The other day at work I was pondering whether this was some sort of virus or something. (My pregnant, very religious co-worker didn't like this comparison. Huh. Go figure.) It seems the pregnancy bug has struck CL as well.

Hi ladies, I am a attractive, professional, swm with diverse interests, good heart, good sense of humor, etc. Only problem is, I am somewhat of a commitment phobe. Not in the sense of boyfriend / girlfriend, but in the legal, walk down the aisle, driving a minivan one.

Since I don’t have much problems attracting women, I could wait forever. Dating and dating and dating in hopes of someday finding the "perfect" partner. Even then, with a divorce rate of approximately 50%, the odds are just as favorable to marry someone with whom you have that "love at first sight" (aka Lust). So I figured screw it, take a chance and live on the edge and place an ad, not for another date, but for the mother of my children.

So, here is my idea. We email, talk, exchange pictures, send care packages, whatever, everything BUT meet in person for the period of one month. If the interest, attraction and intrigue is still there, then, on Memorial Day weekend, we meet and spend the entire weekend in bed making love. If we get pregnant, we take it as fate, get married and live happily ever after.

If we do not get pregnant, we continue to date and see where it goes but risk the chance of the cold feet syndrome setting in.

Sounds simple enough. And what a great story to tell our grandkids.

All that I ask is that you are a good person, intelligent and articulate, financially self sufficient, have more on your mind than the big sale at Banana Republic and fantastic if you absolutely love giving BJ's;-)

By the way, the Memorial Day weekend date is flexible to accommodate your period or vacation schedule.

Thanks for reading my ad.

Hmmm ... I've always wanted an interesting story to tell the grandkids.

Originally from Chino, reformed, and now in DC - 27

2005-03-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

In honour of the fact that I was just in DC, I decided to peruse the CL there to see if there were any good ads. The sad answer is that no, there weren't any. I have decided that LA takes the cake in terms of hilarious ads. Those in DC are for the most part boring and politically-oriented. Much like the men who live there.

I was once with an accomplice and we stole a car while I lived in Chino, I got in trouble and a great Jewish family took me in to their place in DC. We now sit around drinking coffee all morning and eating bagels.

I'm 27, live in NW DC and if you got the allusion above, I think we will click. I have a professional job, which I am NOT obsessed with and will probably try to avoid talking about. There is more out there than how one earns his money. I like to go out and do pretty normal things, drink too much coffee, and like to sleep in on Sundays.

I'm 6'1, brown hair and hazel eyes. If this has caught your eye, send me an email with a pic and I'll send one right back.

I'm sorry, but someone watches a little too much of The OC. That's all I have to say. Besides, I think that Ryan character is a big whiny pain-in-the-butt with unattractive hair and squinty eyes.

Why post/answer an ad?

2005-03-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

After ending things with bald boy, I decided to take another look at the CL ads. There are a few that are entertaining, but that's about it. My past experiences have now taught me that perhaps I do not want to go out with a guy who posts or answers ads on CL.

First, there was the guy who has never bought a woman a drink. Then there was the born again Christian guy with the illegitimate daughter. Next was the guy who decided that he liked another woman more than he liked me just to be dumped by her. (Well, I'm guessing that she dumped him because two to three weeks later his ad was back up on CL.) Next was the guy who told me that I deserved better than him, but only after I questioned his sudden coldness. The final candidate was bald boy, and you've heard more than enough about him.

What do all of these men have in common, in my opinion? They are not really ready to be in the dating pool. Therefore, they should not be allowed to post or to answer ads until they are truly ready.

What about me? I took 2+ years off from dating so that I could focus on other aspects of my life, like getting a job/career that I really liked. Once I was feeling financially stable, I sat down and tried to think about what I really wanted out of dating before heading back into the waters. I think what these guys have in common is that they haven't really thought the whole thing out. They seem to want to make it up as they go along. They think they want one thing and then realize that what they want is the complete opposite. It's never dawned on them to take the extra time to figure out what they want.

Maybe the whole thing to them is like asking for directions...

Are you a date from hell? take this quick quiz!

2005-03-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

I always love a good quiz. Therefore, I could not resist this ad.

A man is
1) an ATM with lege
2) the reason my life is screwed up
3) an important part of my life
4) what determines whether I am a success or failure

On my first date, I like to talk about
1) My mother
2) My last boyfriend
3) Sex
4) Something I saw on the Daily Show

The index I use to determine whether or not the date was fun is
1) Whether my friends like him
2) Whether my four kids like him
3) Whether my cat likes him
4) Whether or not I'm still awake when its over

The ideal first date is
1) A lunch or dinner engagement
2) The back seat of my car
3) Planned Parenthood, to make sure he's not shooting blanks
4) A Jennifer Lopez film

I am single because
1) every man I have met for the last forty years was a major disappointment
2) every man I have ever been in a relationship insists on a prenup
3) the police are still looking for my last boyfriend and have (I think) eliminated me as a suspect
4) why do I need a reason?

My career is
1) everything DeVry promised it would be
2) something I do to meet guys
3) fascinating -- at least to me
4) saving me a lot of money ever since I moved my cot into my cubicle

I believe that sex is something that should happen
1) between two consenting, married adults when the time comes to have children
2) on the first date -- because then I'll KNOW he likes me!
3) when it happens
4) before or shortly after I've passed out from drinking
5) but so far, it hasn't

I use Craigs List because
1) people who actually meet me tend to run away screaming
2) I respect myself too much to date people who can't spell
3) Computer literate guys make major bucks
4) If I can't find anything in the man department, at least I can get a cheap washing machine

My most trusted source of information is
1) Cosmo
2) NPR
3) NRA
4) Dianetics

------------------------------------------------

And no, there is no scoring section or answer key. You are who you are....

I do find it disappointing that there is no scoring section. Perhaps I will just have to create one.

Dashing Drunk for Luscious Lush - 30

2005-03-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

I daresay, I've found my perfect match, and on Boston's CL no less!

******

Are you tired of being single because none of the guys you like can drink like you, or understand the life of the Truly Tipsy? Well, knock it off, cut it out, get outtahere, and let's go get plastered. This is not a call for an Inebriated Intimate Encounter, just a soft, glowing beacon to the Wide World of Woozy Women who have everything but a handsome drinking buddy. I don't have pics, so don't send any if you don't want to. Please do write about your pick of poison, your usual drunken rant subjects, and O whatever else tickles your moist little mind. I'm all ears, and open to all! Let's go out and have a blast sometime soon!

*******

Appealing to my weak alcoholic side. How very tricky of him.

The fact that he doesn't have pictures bothers me - because really, in this day and age there's gotta be a digital photo of you floating around somewhere. But he did post a pic of Johnny Depp in his role from The Pirates of the Caribbean, and I'll be the first to tell you I had the BIGGEST crush on Captain Jack Sparrow.

Or, you know, I can just drink by myself. Because really, it's not being an alcoholic if you drink by yourself - those teetolaters are just trying to make you feel guilty.

Fat and Ugly guy ready to be Loved!!

2005-03-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

I decided that it was once more time to peruse the CL ads. I'm not sure if I actually want to go out with anymore of these guys, but now that bald guy is gone I do need something to occupy my time. I could not resist posting this ad. I am glad to see that there are still some stellar posts out there.

I have looks that even a mother could not appreciate! But here I am, a 34 year old virgin with a heart that is full of love to give to someone special. Anyone out there with a body like Pam Anderson and the brains like Condi Rice that would like to devirginize this one of a kind guy.

Hmmm ... I don't know what is more disturbing -- the Pam Anderson reference or the Condi Rice one.

WANT TO PLAY MY GAME? YOU COULD WIN $100. - 28

2005-03-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

You know I have a lot of work I'm procrastinating on when I start reading CL personals like a fiend. I have to say, the CL personals in LA are miles better than the ones in Boston. They are a lot more creative (read: hysterically funny in their patheticness). This guy has a new spin on things.

******

HERE'S THE SITUATION:

I want to go for as long as I can without ejaculating. I don't know if you know this but the more sperm or cum you keep in your body the healthier you are and stronger your body is. The sperm recycles in your body and produces muscle tissue and I'm sure makes you healthier partly because it's protein. Its not easy to not ejaculate for long periods of time. My record for how long I've gone without ejaculating in the past 10 years is 35 days. I want to do the 40 days and 40 nights thing and beat my record and in the process making my body healthier and not relying on sex as much.

HERE IS YOUR GOAL:

As women your job is to try to get me to ejaculate. Whether by blowing me if you think you give good head, or fucking me, or just getting me horny and blowing off my cum if you think you are hot enough. My goal is to resist and go for 40 days and 40 nights. I will keep posting on here letting you know where I'm at. If one of you can get me to cum or ejaculate before I reach my goal (40 days and 40 nights) then you win $100. I give you $100. If I reach my goal then I'm happy. If a girl makes me cum before my goal is reached she gets $100 and I start over again with the same offer. If you are interested in trying to get $100 and playing this game then email me and maybe we can get together. WOMEN ONLY PLEASE.

Today March 22, 2005 is day 2.

*****
I am so tempted to email him and let him know that HELLO, your sperm does NOT recycle and travel throughout your body. It produces muscle tissue? I nearly died laughing reading that bit. Someone needs to go back to his high school bio class. I'm not even going to go into the cum issue.

What this is is a thinly-veiled solicitation. He wants you to have sex with him, and expect that he's not going to get off on it? PLEASE. I bet that a girl'd only have to look at him with bedroom eyes to get her $100.

I have a way easy solution: castration. Then he's not going to have to worry about ejaculating - or having sex - anytime soon.

I WANT TO SWIM IN YOUR VEINS LIKE A FISH IN THE SEA - 43

2005-03-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what "swimming in one's veins" would entail, and I'm not sure I really want to find out either. I was reading about hypomania recently, and thought that this guy might qualify - at least through his overexuberant usage of exclamation points and capital letters. I really like that he actually state he's not a weirdo. I so beg to differ.
******

I m attractive, outgoing , fun loving, smart easy going, warm. very affectionate, very loving and also very loyal, health minded , emotionally healthy, and passionate about life, very sincere, I like public displays of affection Im unpretentious , and love to be silly sometimes ......I am in very good shape ....
IF THIS IS YOU AND YOU ENJOY THE SAME THINGS , THEN I AM INTERESTED!!!
I like all outdoor activities ,swimming , good conversation ,beaches , hiking , music, garage sales ,movies , festivals ,dancing ,exotic foods , and open to almost any new interests you might drop on me .....I LOVE KISSING AND MAKING OUT!!!!!!! I am very faithful also ..
I play and record music at home for a hobby, but not to often (home studio)
I like to work out ( home gym) I like weekend get-aways , and movies ....
I’ve done allot of sailing ,scuba diving , skiing, and off road exploring in the past, and would open to trying anything you might have an attraction to..
I am very passionate about sex and romance ,you must be too, I m quite adventurous with sex and romance (in a good way ) ..... BUT IM NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO JUST HAVE SEX WITH AT ALL!!!! (don't have any problems getting sex )...
I m spiritual but not religious ,I am a greek american , yesssss just like the movie MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, so I do have a mediterranean background , oh by the way the movies not too far from the truth HA HA .... and I do have a cousin named toula!!!
my physical attraction to a woman is: 4-11” to 5-7” thin or very petite , med. build or even a little chubby is just fine , a few pounds over weight is great if you’re curvy .. a girl who’s trying to stay in shape is very attractive to me , but I m open to many shapes and sizes ...
what's most important to me is your mind , personality is everything , compassion and common cense is most important to me , you must be happy by nature... I tend to be happier in a long term relationship ....
you must be playful and adventurous ..
I m very open and will share everything with you , and I expect the same ...I am very affectionate and love to massage (I m good)!!!.....you must respond well to that stuff cuzz your gunna get it!!!!LOL
I like a women who is very feminine , but not afraid to get her hands dirty , or break a nail ,,(well O K maybe not the nail thing) HA HA well you know....by the way my sign is CANCER.....
NOW SOME REAL IMPORTANT STUFF: ------if your the type of person that likes to write back and forth for a LONG TIME getting to know each other then I m not the person for you!!!! my soul needs human contact even if its just on the phone....IF I CANT HEAR YOUR VOICE I CANT GET A VERY GOOD FEELING ABOUT YOU ,,,,, AND I DON’T NEED A PEN-PAL ...
so if you dare take a chance ...(AND I DO DARE YOU ), please respond and I will send you a pic of me..
oh by the way I m 5-10” 150lbs thin-medium build with good muscle tone, brown hair , blue eyes ,(great body) !!!.....I wear glasses but mostly for driving or watching movies ......
I m not the kind of guy who likes to stay home and watch sports on tv ..I HATE THAT !!!! I WOULD RATHER HAVE A PILLOW FIGHT ..(I might even let you win if you look cute holdin that pillow)
I like to look at human sculpture , I guess I just love the human form , also I like erotic art but don’t own any (don’t worry I m not a weirdo)....
I have to tell you I am a little shy at first meetings with a girl (woman) BUT IF I KNOW YOUR ATTRACTED TO ME AND I AM TO YOU , I WARM-UP VERY QUICKLY AND RESPOND APPROPRIATELY
WELL I’D LOVE TO TELL MORE BUT THIS MAY BE TOO LONG ALREADY ...
AND YESS I LOVE MY WORK!!!
SO PLEASE I WANT TO REMIND YOU , I DON’T WANT A PEN-PAL!!
IF ANY OF THIS INTERESTS YOU PLEASE RESPOND AND I’LL SEND YOU A PIC OF ME,
BUT PLEASE RESPOND WITH YOUR PIC AND I WILL REPLY WITH MY PHONE #...
IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO TALK ON THE PHONE SOON AFTER THAT , DON’T BOTHER TO RESPOND...
SO DON’T BE AFRAID !!!! AND DON’T WASTE TIME .. I AM VERY READY FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, AND I AIM TO PLEASE
DON’T LET ME SLIP OUT OF YOUR HANDS, IM A GOOD CATCH !!!

your partner in crime
ummmmmmm me

Probably the last bald boy post

2005-03-19T13:06:00.000-05:00

Gloria thought that I had disappeared over the last couple of weeks because of the bald boy. The truth is that I moved recently and had to wait to get an internet connection. Well now that I have a connection once again, it is time to tell the truth about the ongoing saga of the bald boy.

Things turned kind of strange last week. Up until that point, he called me on a daily basis. Then suddenly ... nothing. Perhaps he was busy at work. Perhaps his court-ordered anger management classes and Caltrans work crew duty were getting to be a bit much. I called and left a message. Then a couple of days later, I called and left another message. He called me back after the second message full of apologies. He said that he had been especially busy at work.

More days pass and I didn't hear from him so I tried to call again. This time I didn't leave a message. He has called ID so he knows I called. On Wednesday evening my phone rang -- well, actually it vibrated -- as I was settling in to here Spike Jonez speak on the Berkeley campus. I figured he would leave a message and I would listen to it later. The message was more apologies. Apparently he has not felt like being around other people recently. OK, I can understand being in a mood, but TWO WEEKS? I tried to call back but of course got his voicemail. I told him that if he decided that he wanted to talk to people again, he should give me a call then. Needless to say, I am not sitting around holding my breath for that day. Loser!

I'm not sure if I'm willing to subject myself to yet another CL date. It doesn't mean that I will stop reading the ads because, let's face it, they are just so damn entertaining. CL does have its positive points though. I would not have my job or my new apartment if it was not for CL.

Help! Must be engaged to actress by noon on friday! - 35

2005-03-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

This is another really long one. I can't even write comments on it, because I don't know where to begin (and because I have no creativity anymore, writing about conceptual change in deaf children has completely taken it out of me). I do have to give this guy credit for his imagination, however. And that's what happens when you go to LA and fancy yourself a writer (as so many out there do).

******

Yes, it's crazy. I was going about my quirky life over the weekend experiencing one nutty happenstance after another. Nutty things are always happening to me - like the mishap with my neighbors parrot which I will tell you about. But first.

On friday, my boss called me into his office on my way out the door for what I was hoping would be a relaxing weekend. He wanted to tell me that he thought I was the worst employee he had ever known and that this would be my last day. I didnt want the job anyhow, I seem to go from one job to another because of misunderstandings. My boss thought that it was me who left a phone sex message for his daughter because the call came from my phone. Turns out that someone was using my phone on a day that I skipped work without telling anyone and hoped no one would notice. I could't tell my boss that I really was not even there - but had billed for the hours - then he would have fired me for that too!

On my way back home, my landlord stops me. He wants more money and is threatening to throw me out if I don't pay up - so he yelled at me for an hour on friday night, clenching his fists. I promised to pay up in one week to buy some time.

Then Saturday it got worse. See, I adopted a "child" from Cambodia a year ago - one of those deals where I send money every month. The child turned out to be a 29 yr old drug-lord. But he is loveable! Though we were never supposed to meet, he showed up on my door-step on Saturday saying "Mercedes Benz number one! You daddy. You daddy." So what the heck was I supposed to do? He moved in and is trying to set up operations here. I don't yet have the heart to ask him to leave yet. He waters the plants and my cat has really taken a liking to him. I would like to have my bed back because the couch is so uncomfortable, but he is a guest in my country. So now I am buying food for two now.

And just as luck would have it, my neighbor girl, who I have a secret crush on showed up at my house on sunday morning with two coffees and a smile. I have been waiting to talk to her for a long time and she just took the initiative god bless her. Well, I invited her in and she saw Minh (my cambodian son) in a kimono and what the heck - but she figured I was gay. It was a giant misunderstanding! And I was going to explain it to her, but the phone rang. She did not stay for coffee even - but I noticed that her parrot had somehow flown into my apartment. Minh tried the coffee because he liked the smell. But I think the caffeine did not sit well with him because he ran into the bathroom and started screaming at the mirror, "I number 1, I number 1!"

I chased the parrot around the room until it finally escaped out of a window. Not being good at flight myself, I ran downstairs and out the door to see where the little fella had gone. Turns out he flew into my muffler of my car and was stuck. Thinking I could get him out, I started the car and let it run for 30 seconds. Turned it off and went to the rear of the car to find margie (the bird) hacking away on the concrete. I picked the little bird up and left her at my neighbors door. Meanwhile, my phone is still ringing. So i run inside to get it.

I answered the phone and it was this law firm saying they were looking for me. A lawyer from the firm said that he needed to speak with me urgently and in-person. So, I agreed to meet him that evening.

In the course of the meeting I was told that I had an uncle, apparently a recluse of some sort, but very rich. Well, as fate would have it, he died a week ago. And he had no children. So, he willed all his fortune to me - an amount over 50 million dollars! Its a lot of money. However, as per the request of his client (my uncle) the lawyer tells me that the only way I can get the money is if I give up my irresponsible single ways and by noon friday have a job and a fiance - but the girl has to be an actress or waitress/actress with a heart of gold! Why do these things always happen to me?!

So, clearly this story will compel all you CL actress women to put on some dresses and chase me down the city streets. I can imagine all the craziness that will soon occur. We have to hurry too! But I must choose one of you and as part of the decree, if the marriage fails or if you leave me, we both lose the money and have to surrender any and all assetts which we acquired during our time together. What the heck, no loopholes here - no sir.

This is crazy and quirky. I don't know where to begin. My lawyer has agreed to help me make the decision if I need advice - so hopefully you will have pure intentions. He is bald and has an english accent and seems to be very wise.

I guess I should tell you about myself: I have all kinds of misunderstandings always happening to me. I am average looking, in average shape, have never cheated on a girl - but have been in plenty of minsunderstandings where it sure looked that way. I have had cake thrown in my face, coffee poured on my head and one girl poured ice down my pants while I just took it. Crazy things always happen to me!

So, please send your photos and your stats and hopefully I will find you before noon on friday when all mayhem will break loose and if we have not sorted it out by then, my lawyer will have to use a megaphone to call your name in the crowd of brides to be who are chasing me. I know CL has lots of different kinds of potential brides from pot smoking broke hippie chicks who wear petchuli and don't bathe much to cocky career women who are bossy and wear strap-ons. Hopefully you will all feel welcome to write me!

I just want you to be pretty and able to handle lots of craziness! It will be a plus if you have good morals to help me sort through and discover what is really important in the midst of all this madness and money. Also, if you are a CEO that might help since I might be running a few of my uncle's Fortune 500 companies and I dont know what a CEO really is!

Can't wait to hear from you.

DO YOU Want To Have A Baby?? - 32

2005-03-09T17:47:00.000-05:00

I think I read in the NYTimes awhile back about guys posting on craigslist because they just want to impregnate females. Here's one of them:

This is probably a little different from the other ads in here, and only intended for a select one or two. I've seen ads asking for this sort of thing in the past, so I know you're out there.

I have, and never have had, no interest in marriage or raising a family but, how can say this modestly...I have rather good genes to pass on. You won't know my name and or any contact information.

This list of traits will read a little differently than a personal ad, since I'm not soliciting a date but rather just listing the characteristics you'll want to know.

32
6'2"
caucasian
IQ tested at 136
straight
handsome..really.
accomplished musician
thick and abundant hair
both parents are in their early 60s and in excellent health, as am I
Social drinker only, and not prone to alcoholism.
Despite the 'matter of fact' tone of this listing, am pretty personable, jovial and kind.

Please, only respond if you meet ALL of the following requirements:

At least 30 years old
Have abundant financial resources to provide for yourself and child.
In good health
Emotionally/mentally stable. I won't be taking your word for it, but will make my own judgements.

Again, this is only for a select career woman who hears the clock ticking and is 100% prepared to do this, not a young girl looking for stability, purpose or a welfare check.

Tell me a little about yourself, at least enough for me to know you're the type of successful, loving but childless woman I mentioned above. A picture would be nice, but not required at this point. Your pic will get mine, however.

So, first of all, this guy needs to know that he's not that special. No, many many guys want to just make babies, they don't want to take care of them. I suppose that I have to give them some sort of credit for at least being honest. It's interesting that he's so interested in the welfare of his offspring, but he has no interest in raising it. I almost feel like he shouldn't get a say. And how does he know he has good genes to pass on? Has he had his genome read (or whatever they do nowadays). If not, how doesn't he know that he isn't a carrier for any number of diseases that would lie dormant in him and perhaps his parents. Perhaps he has a great great grandmother who had... okay, I don't remember my genetics anymore, but there's shit about recessive genes and stuff like that if you're really interested and reading more about it, just do a google search.

I guess I just don't get it. Does this guy want to walk around knowing that he's fathered a kid out there, yet not want to know the kid? That's just sad, and besides, he might have already, he doesn't know.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED - 27

2005-03-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

I know that this is really long, but bear with me, it's worth it. I've added my comments in italics.

------

I am a 27-year-old financial services representative and just started this career that will earn me over $200,000 a year. There are too many women in LA who play games, they date but aren't serious about relationships, they give out their phone number but won't return messages (yes, I do this, but that's because I'm apparently incapable of lying about my phone number which is really weird. Often, also, giving a guy your phone number is the easiest way to get rid of him. It'd be even more effective if I used a fake one. Oh well) and there are women who date multiple guys at once because "they don't know which one they like best" Well, I for one am sick of it. I have completely removed myself from the dating scene (good. there are too many putzes out there) because I am sick of games and I am sick of being played. I just want to get out of the rat race and just get married. (He's 27. Why the hell is he so jaded?) I know for a fact that there are women who feel the same way I do. They have been played by men who use and violate their bodies and they are sick too and if that woman is you, I feel that I am the right man for you so read this ad and reply. (And that's right, all these women are reading Craigslist as well.)

VITAL STATS
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 160 lbs (7% body fat) Hair: Brown w/gold hi-lites (Dude, he has highlights? I don't want to be dating/married to a guy who spends more money and time on his hair than I do.) Body type: Athletic. I have a firm tummy and I do 100 sit-ups daily. (I hate guys who refer to their stomachs as "tummies". That's a little kid word, and we're all grown up now.)
Eyes: Brown
Facial Hair: clean shaven (most of the time)
shoe size: 9.5 (Is this so we can gauge penis size as well? He has small feet. Then again, feet size really make no predictor for penis size because I used to go out with this guy who was 6'4 and had size 13 feet, and his penis was not reflective of this at all.)
IQ score: 122 (a score between 120-140 means you have superior interlect, Above 140 makes you a genius) ("superior interlect", yet he cannot spell. Guess that's why he's not a genius.)
favorite color: green (Jade green, like on the Irish flag. That is why the letters are green!!!!) (I pondered over this one for awhile. There was no green anywhere in the post. It must be that superior interlect kicking in again.)
sign: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY!!!!! My birthdate is March 13, 1978 so you figue it out. (Dude, astrology is fun, especially if you are into over-analysing and procrastinating.)
Faith: Christianity (Penacostal)
Ethnicity: Ready for this one? OK! Cherokee Indian, African, French, Irish, and Portuguese.
Favourite city in the world: VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA (Why is this in all-caps? Is he from Canada? I don't like Canadians.)
Favourite country that I have visited: Australia!!!!! (Canada is a close second)
Best country in Europe: France!!!! (French people and all Francophones worldwide rock!!!!) (Ahhh, my eyes, too many exclamation points. French people actually suck. French culture, namely French food, on the other hand, is unparalleled.)

"JE SUIS FIER DANS MON SANG FRANCAIS!!!!!!" (He's not even all French. Not even half. Well, I guess he could be half. But he's probably not even that much French. What's wrong with him?)

Languages I can speak: English, Spanish, and French (Shouldn't he be listing French first, since he's so proud of his Frenchness?)
Languages I am learning to speak: German, Portuguese, Italian, Russian, Romanian,
and even Mandarin Chinese. (By learning to speak, he better really mean it. Because I know people who claim to know umpteen languages, but they can't say anything more than hello, thank you, and the names of different food dishes in the various languages. Because if we're counting by this latter strategy, well, wow, I know like 20 languages.)
Smoke: no
Drink: yes
Drugs: NEVER!!!!!! I prefer my IQ score to stay at 122 or even higher if possible. (Stop bragging, you moron. 122 is not brag-worthy. Also, IQ measures nothing. NOTHING.)
Favorite music group: Depeche Mode Favorite type of music: Industrial (Rammstein, Front 242, Gravity Kills) I also like British-style Electronica like Ladytron (if you know who Ladytron is I will be SUPER impressed!) and I like listening to Sara McLaughlin, Enya, Sinead O'Connor (I think female Irish singers have the most beautiful voices) and Bjork (not Irish)
Music I Hate: Country, R&B, Boy Bands, Britney Spears and Britney Spears rip-offs (i.e. Shakira and Pink) and any music of such genre. (i.e. Ricky Martin, Mark Anthony, 112, and R. Kelly). (This is one big party-pooper we're talking to here.)
Favorite animal: Dolphin (Koala is a close second) (What kind of dumbass category is this? It sounds like something random Watch Boy would ask me.)
Favorite book: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. I like to read books on self-motivation. For example, books written by Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, and Marta Monahan. Also, I like The Courage to be Brilliant by Marta Monahan. (People who read self-help books of any sort should seek real help. I understand reading one or two. But when they make your "favourite books" list, you know you're in trouble.)
Dogs or Cats? Dogs, big ones. I do not like little toy dogs or stupid dogs (like dalmations). (I bet this is because big dogs are "manly." I also bet that secretly, he likes "stupid dogs".)
Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla because chocolate is fattening and bad for your health. (Seriously. Total buzzkill. Chocolate is not fattening in small quantities, and studies have shown that dark chocolate contains more antioxidants than many berries. So take that, Mr. I-Wouldn't-Know-Fun-If-It-Hit-Me-On-The-Head.)
My original hometown: Rolling Meadows, Illinois (30-minute drive from Chicago)
Liberal or Conservative: Conservative (anti-abortion) (I almost stopped reading at this point. Anti-abortion? I don't believe that any guy gets to even have a say in the abortion debates, but that's just me.)
Political Party Affiliation: Independent (However, I support more conservative issues) (Fucking Canada-loving Republican.)

WHAT I LOOK FOR IN THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND (Please note the usage of the word "perfect". Jackass.)
Turn-ons:
1. Women who are trustworthy, feminine, and have good hearts and morals.
2. Women who can count the number of people she slept with on ONE HAND. (You'll get EXTRA points for that) (But if you count like I do, which is that each finger represents three (look at your fingers. Note the creases for each knuckle. See how there are three spaces? That's how I count), then you can sleep with up to FIFTEEN people and still be considered perfect!)
3. Women who can appreciate what a good boyfriend has to offer and never takes a good one for granted.
4. Women who love to travel and experience life. I would love to be able to see new places for the first time together, have fun together and to experience things together. A woman should also be my best friend as well as my mate. (He wants one person who will fulfill all his various needs. What pressure. What a control freak.)
5. Eyes. The eyes are my favorite place on a woman's body because they are the gateway to a woman's soul. I love to just stare into a woman's eyes for hours communicating a million words at the speed of light without making a sound. When it comes to outside appearances, I am more attracted to the eyes than any other part of a woman's body. I really do not care too much about the other places. (Bullshit he doesn't, because if he didn't he wouldn't have listed his personal stats, and he also wouldn't have posted a picture where he is (unfortunately) shirtless. Plus, guys who constantly stare into a girl's eyes are creeeeeeepy.)

HERE IS MY LIST OF TURNOFFS:
1. Women CAN NOT be stuck-up, arrogant, and have a conceited attitude. (It's OK to be a bitch once in a while to some people but not to everyone you meet) Those women will NEVER earn my attention and/or respect! (I am all those things, and YAY! I will be ignored by the poophead!)
2. Women who say that they have "experienced everything" and have "been everywhere" and say that they are bored with that and want to settle down. (Hello, isn't he the one advertising for a wife?) There are a lot of things I haven't done in my life that I would like to do and it just ruins the mood when a woman says "been there, done that, I got bored and now I'm done doing it." That makes the woman seem like she is better than me and makes me feel less about myself.
3. Women who do not do their fair share in making a relationship work (i.e. Gold diggers bimbos, and fair-weather girlfriends)
4. Women who have a lot of emotional baggage and lots of drama. It's OK to have some issues, (I have issues too (no shit)) but if a woman is suicidal, in need of psychiatric help, therapy, or needs prescription drugs to control her issues, I probably would not be interested in dating her. Drama queens are definately a turn-off!!!) I PROMISE to be the most loving and caring boyfriend a woman could possibly ask for and my shoulder is ALWAYS available to cry on. (As a makeup artist my job is also to ba an amateure psychiratrist to assure that a woman is beautiful and to not put too much pressure on herself so therefore I can be a counselor as well as a boyfriend, I don't mind that) (What the hell? He's a makeup artist? Notice that in his opening salvo he says he's a financial services representative. What happened?) However, I shouldn't have to spend 24 hours of my busy, busy, busy days keeping a razor out of a woman's hands so she won't slash her wrists with it!!! (He's a busy man. Really really really busy.)
5. Women who are constantly around her guy friends or groups of guys but never with her girlfriends. It's OK for women to have guy friends, I'm not jelous but I shouldn't have to impress a woman's male friends just to date her (I had those problems in the past where I had to go through the guy friends just to get to that one. It is not worth it.) (Someone has an inferiority complex!)Also I just think it is weird for a woman to have a lot of male friends and hardly any female friends. (WHY?) A woman should have more girlfriends than guy friends. (I repeat, WHY? Where is this mysterious rule book is such a thing dictated?)
6. Women who use their bodies to impress people, no matter how pretty they are. (I repeat (again), he has posted his BODY FAT PERCENTAGE. I don't need ot say anymore.) I feel that the value of your brain should match the value of your body. Also, if a woman's body is not perfect, that's okay, however, no woman should EVER overcompansate by saying thoughtless things like "My big fat body is the hottest thing on the planet, etc." That is false confidence and that is NOT SEXY!!! That also shows just how shallow a woman is and that she has nothing better to say about herself that "My big black booty attracts all da brothas" If you need an example of what I am talking about, look at the guests that appear on Ricky Lake or Jenny Jones. I DO NOT DATE RICK LAKE GIRLS!!! A woman like that is just as bad as a Playboy centerfold walking down Rodeo Drive with her fake-looking Barbie-doll body saying "My fake boobs make me more beautiful than you!" Think about it. That is ignorant and all that does is put other people down and we are living in a time in which we should ALL love one another AND accept the fact that we are ALL different and being different is not ugly. The fact that we are all different is what makes us ALL EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! Impress me with your mind, NOT with your body. (There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn't. I cannot stand his hypocrisy. The guy lives in LA. Fakeness is a way of life.)
7. Women with no morals, self-worth, or values. See below for examples.

EXAMPLES:

- Pot-heads and women to go to raves every weekend just to get high. Also I NEVER date women with a coke habit. (I met one once and she turned out to be a scumbag) (No siree, he doesn't stereotype.)
- The type of women who can not use their fingers to count the number of people she has slept with, that goes for women AS WELL AS men. I would prefer it if you used only one hand to count the number of people you slept with but that might be asking too much. (By the way: I can) ABSOLUTELY NO PORN STARS!!! I believe that sex is a sacred ritual of communicating how much you love and care for your partner and how committed you are to the relationship and if any woman can not respect that, I don't want to date her. (Really, I'm so relieved that I don't make the list. I'm glad he's slept with fewer than five people. He's also probably one of those guys who overdramatises sex and makes it boring. By elevating it to a "sacred ritual" also makes it creepy.)
- The type of women who can not control their swearing and swear in every sentence. It is OK to swear every now and then but too much swearing is a turn-off because that is not lady-like and is an example low-morality. (NOT LADYLIKE? Seriously, where is this guy from? What is wrong with him?)
- The type of women who use the "P" word to describe their private area. It is very disrespectful to themselves and shows a lack of morality and perversion. I don't mind if a woman says that word once in a while but if I hear the words "My p<<<< - The type or women who has had more one-night stands than relationships, or who has had more sex partners outside a relationship than inside a relationship. - Athiests. Automatic rejection. No Exceptions. THat goes for cult members as well. - Any woman that has ever cheated in a relationship is automatically disqualified from being a potential girlfriend. Women like that are scumbags that deserve absolutely NO RESPECT!!! There is a lot more to me than one would think. I do not want to come off as a nit-picky guy (Wait, I can't stop laughing. Really, my stomach hurts) but I want to show you that I have a very deep and complex personality and I am not shallow by any means. (HAHAHAHA.) There is a lot more that can write about myself, I just merely scratched the surface. (There can't be more. There was already too much.) I will be looking forward to hearing back from you.

------

Too bad y'all can't see his picture. He says he's 5'11, but in his picture he looks like a midget chipmunk. I bet this guy makes the girls he dates (if he can even find one - oh wait, sorry, he only wants marriage) wear chastity belts.

GREEN CARD Marriage! Please help! Thanks - 27

2005-03-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I'm positively fascinated by those people who post on CL wanting to get married so they can get their green cards. But here's a twist on that ol' standard:

Hi

I am looking for a green card marriege as soon as possible. My situation is very sad. Me and my girlfriend went home for Christmas in Europe. I stucked here in Europe but my whole life left there. My girlfriend could travel back and she is taking care of my situation. I really love her and I need to get married with an american lady as soon as possible If I wanna see her again!!
I am really very sad!

Please help If you can!

I am willing to pay anything to get my life back!

If you travel to get married with me in Europe the whole situation is going to be simplier! I can get the TEMPORARY GREEN CARD within 2-3 weeks! If we get married in the USA I have to wait 12 months!!!

Well, If you are looking for a green card marriage and you want to earn money and you dont want to wait 2 years to divorce PLEASE WRITE ME!!!
Our marriage gonna be half time!!!!

I can give you my girlfriend telephone number and you can discuss the details with her or write me If you have any questions!

Thanks

I am waiting for your answers!!! I really appreciate your help!
Please! I NEED MY LIFE BACK!

Johnny

I really want to know why he's not able to travel back to the US. I mean, you only need a green card if you plan on living here for an extended amount of time (or so I believe, I could be wrong). If his "whole life" is in the US, and he didn't have a green card, then how did he manage to set up his life? Can't he just fly back to the US as a visitor and figure stuff out then?

But enough of these questions. Let me just point out that this guy wants a girl to FLY TO EUROPE to marry him there, and bring him back so he can be reunited with his girlfriend. It's a very interesting proposition.

Bald Boy aka Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Part 5

2005-03-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

You asked for it so now you have it. After he dropped that big shoe, things were pretty boring with bald boy. When I don't see him, he calls.

Earlier this week during one of our conversations, he apologized for being distant lately. Ummm ... we've been dating for about 3-4 weeks. How was I to know he was being distant? I just thought he was being a guy. He said he had a lot of things on his mind and wasn't sure if he was ready to share. I took that as an open invitation to pry. What else could there be besides his dysfunctional family, the court-ordered anger management, and the sister in the vegetative state? (Why did that just sound like the storyline from a soap opera? Oh yeah, because my life is so filled with soap opera-like elements, I do not feel the need to actually watch them.)

So here is this week's revelation. He is a member of NA. Do I let him stop there? No way. I'm nosy. I had to know what his drug of choice was. I then pointed out that as an addict, he really shouldn't drink.

Oh, and for those of you wondering, I will be going out with him next on Saturday night. I can't just walk away. There are way too many potentially interesting stories involved in this.

Probably the best five minutes of your CL time could be spent here...

2005-03-01T21:52:00.000-05:00

You know, there is such a thing as too much information. Intrigue is good. So is humour, but people can be picky about what they find funny, and this guy's style of stand-up might not be it.

It’s important that I be as honest as possible in this post, so instead of writing it all on my own, I’ve asked my Mom to help. What follows is part of the transcribed phone conversation:

“Oh, he’s a very handsome boy. And intelligent, too. Oh, and he’s so funny! Just don’t stare at his nose for too long...”
“Mom, my nose is just fine.”
“Well, anyway, he’s looking for a good woman who will cook, clean, and do all the housework-“
“Mom, that’s not what I’m looking for!”
“Whatever, dear. Preferably a woman who has good child bearing hips. No toothpick model types, no sirree!”
“Umm…thanks Mom...I think…”

I think that’s enough – don’t you? I would’ve asked my Dad to give his input, but after deleting all the profanity…well, it would've lost its meaning.

Okay, honestly, that’s not what my parents are like. My dad only swears in a foreign language, and my Mom is quite friendly and likes all the women I bring home. Actually, she just likes that I bring any woman home. She’s desperate for a grandchild, you know. But enough about her, time for more good news about me. I like sponge baths and rubber duckies. I generally prefer them with someone else, but will sacrifice and go it alone if needed. The baths, I mean, not the duckies. That’s just sick. I love to cook (again, not rubber duckies), love movies, billiards, play time, and people watching. My hidden talents include friendly sarcasm, doing nifty magic tricks, and setting the time on a VCR.

Brief description time: I’m about 5’8”, have an olive complexion (okay, I’m an arab), have a goatee, short hair, and incredible dark eyes (or so I’ve imagined). I have a slightly larger than normal honker, but it’s placed precisely in the middle of my head for easy identification. No, I don’t live with my parents, but I do live with two cats who know they need to keep me alive to keep them fed. I’m an atheist, but non-practicing, so you won’t hear me preach about it. I actually have great respect for people who have a deep religious faith – but only if they’ve been able to question it. I like to think I’m funny, but most people just think I’m a big goober. I say flush them all down the toilet!

I’ve had one long term relationship, and probably not enough short ones. I've even had some dates as a result of posting on CL. I promise not to go into great detail about any of them. I find that I have very few specifics as to what I look for in a woman. I definitely want someone who can laugh. Not some silly little giggle, but that really lets it out. Laughter is the healing factor of all life. But please have good teeth, because there is no way I can stand watching you laugh and your front three teeth are missing. It just isn’t right. And don’t let my Mom fool you – I’m not picky about child bearing hips - just don't be someone who orders a Doube Quarter Pounder & fries for Breakfast, lunch, and dinner (with a Diet Coke, of course). Oh, and please be between 20 & 30, and please be 5’8” or shorter, and for goodness sake (and this is important), please have a sense of humor!

Ummm…that’s all for now. That’s probably too much, but I enjoyed it anyway. If anyone wants to chat, you can try to catch me on IM under screen name [redacted] (on AOL). Or just send me an email if you’re too shy to chat. You’ll also have to trust me when I say that I’m not getting deluged with responses to this, so don’t be afraid to say “hello”. Against my better judgment, I have added some pictures to this post. But please keep the enthusiasm down when you see what I look like – people are already staring at you…I’ve also including a picture of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Draw your own conclusions from that...

Standard Disclaimer: No moms were hurt in the making of this posting. Some pigeons may have been, but no moms.

Post Addendum: On the rare occasion I get a response to this posting, I keep getting asked why I’m posting on Craig’s List and what it is I’m looking for, so here’s the answer: This is the corniest thing I’m going to write in this post, but I want to be in love – sparks flying, butterflies in the stomach feeling, dancing in the streets kind of love. And I’m attempting to find this elusive thing on Craig’s List because I seem to no longer possess the knowledge of how to meet new people. Okay, that’s a half-truth. I meet new people all the time, but I don’t know how to move onto the next level because really, who does? So basically, this is the surreal way of doing things, in a world that seems to have become surreal.

Post Addendum Addendum: It’s been quite some time since my original posting of this ad, and I have learned some things from the people that have responded, so here are a few additional comments if you are thinking about responding (or if you're not, but have amazingly read this far):

Although generally tongue-in-cheek, this post is pretty close to the truth. I do have a Mom & Dad.
Being as humble as possible, I know this post is pretty funny (which was the purpose), but it’s not necessary to stress over what to say in a response because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing while trying to be funny. It took me a while to come up with this post, but I honestly don’t expect anyone to spend more than 5 minutes on a response. Okay, maybe 5 and a half minutes…
Don’t think I’m a wacko for including my screen name – I’m a wacko for other reasons. Actually, I believe that people are more likely to respond on an impulse, rather than if they have to think about it. Hey, if you don’t want to respond, I’ll never really know. Well, I'll know, but we'll just keep it between us.
If you've made it this far, you should be ashamed you haven’t already responded. Or at least be just slightly perturbed.

I don't think it helps that he looks like a sketchy middle eastern rug salesman in his photos. And he's making all sorts of weird faces - that DEFINITELY does NOT help either. (His nose is rather large, too.) Plus, one of his photos is of a bowl of fruity pebbles in milk. What gives? Is he a fruity pebble? Methinks he is!

There are so many things that can be analysed here, but I am too tired to get into it. So I leave it up to you..

I am European looking for American sex - 29

2005-02-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

Gosh, this site has just died lately, hasn't it. What with Dagny finding herself a guy, and me planning this panel and being drunk, there just hasn't been that much happening. Oh well. Call it a mid-winter slump. Here's an amusing ad, however.

I have heard a lot about American sex but never experienced it. I am pretty sure American woman would love to try European sex to see the difference like myself. I am not saying we will meet for sex right the way. I want to take you out and then come to my place and have European-American sex :) Don't be shy to e-mail me. You will not be dissapointed with my look or sex

I mean, I'm not sure how Europeans (as a general whole, too, this guy doesn't even specify a particular nationality or anything) have sex any differently than Americans. Do they know something that we don't know? Is the anatomy different? I am so curious. Yet not curious enough to email him. Oh well.

Professional white male seeking Asian woman - 32

2005-02-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Liar liar, pants on fire.

Looking for an Asian woman for a date and possible long-term relationship. I'm intelligent (Ph.D. educated), attractive, kind, and caring. Before you ask, I DO NOT have an Asian fetish. I just find myself attracted to Asian women intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I rarely have occasion to meet Asian women in my social/work circles, so thought I'd give this a shot. Please send a pic if you have one, and I'll reciprocate. I hope to hear from you.

He doesn't have a fetish MY ASS. I'm sorry, but if that's not one I don't know what is. And I'm sure if he hung out long enough in Chinatown, he'd find one there.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Part 4

2005-02-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

So, by now you have read about the "Instant Boyfriend." Also, if you have been reading the posts from me and Gloria, you know that we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let's face it. There is no way that a guy can be perfect.

I thought that the other ones were pretty bad, but this is a giant shoe. Without any prompting, the instant boyfriend (aka bald boy) decided to share a little information about himself this weekend. Apparently he has a standing engagement for Saturday mornings. What kind of engagement, you ask? Why, a court-ordered one. It seems that about a year ago he and his ex had a little dispute. He claims that she came at him; he was simply trying to defend himself. Well, in the course of defending himself, he gave her a black eye. He wanted to fight the charge but his lawyer said that there is no way to fight a photo of a woman with a black eye. The end result is that he is now in court-ordered anger management classes that he will finish in about six months. He says these classes are a joke because all the instructor seems to discuss is what types of women these men should try to avoid -- women with previous histories of abuse, women who are substance abusers...

All I can say at this point is that I really know how to pick them.

Who went to Hallmark to write their ad?

2005-02-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

This ad was so filled with cliches that I just knew it deserved a post.

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell them how wonderful they are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

The Style: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman
will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn’t want.

The Workplace: When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she’s a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Relationships: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men’s primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women’s primary fantasy is a good relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has “potential”). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

Love: Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn’t necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn’t. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Wives: Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men: If women knew what men were thinking, they’d never stop slapping them. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women: Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I do not even know how to respond to an ad like this. Perhaps he is just trying to start a discussion group. I just can't imagine him wanting a date.

Pregnant & dont want your baby? Please let me be the Father. - 34

2005-02-21T09:53:00.000-05:00

Because this sounds like such a great idea.

34, Male here wanting to be a Dad
Tried a couple of times and I think I am not meant to have the regular way.
I thought it was me but came to find out that the last 2 females I got pregnant miscarried because they both got Cancer.

Go figure. I'm just glad they're okay but neither one can have a child.
So I am trying this route. I thought of adopting from the city but the hassle is so HUGE.

I am NOT rich but I swear I will do what I can for you financially during the pregnancy and for the 1st year after.

My Preference:

- White, European or Latina Female
- Under 5'9"
- Modest Weight

Must be willing to let me sign the Birth Certificate as the Father and sign papers giving me total parental rights.

Please email a Photo, Stats & Age
Please also give me an idea of how you would like to proceed with this.

So, he's hoping that he can find a pregnant woman who'll give up her child? I know that for religious/moral/personal reasons that some women don't believe in/won't get abortions, but if I am ever going to carry a baby to term, you bet your ass I'm keeping it. And what are the odds that the two women he impregnated got cancer?

And why does he want offspring so badly? I mean, this kid won't even genetically be his, so it's not like his bloodline will be carried on. And while he's not rich, is he going to have enough money to afford a child? Kids are expensive. I know that I am. I'm just creeped out by this ad.

It just goes to show that there are some odd odd people out there.

Young Cambridge Professor Would Like to Meet You! - 33

2005-02-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

I would love - LOVE - to find out which professor is stupid enough to do such a thing. Seeing that he says he's at MIT, well, then I don't have him (not to mention that there are like 2 male profs (I'm exaggerating, but you get the point) at the ed school).

Hey you. I've posted this before, but was disappointed with the two line responses that I received. So, if you're reading this post, I hope that you will write back.

ME: I'm in my early 30s, fit, overeducated and probably overpaid, and am told that I'm good-looking, funny, easy-going...but I'm single. It's because I spend way too much time in the office with fuddy-duddy colleagues and other dorks (it's that whole tenure-track racket that I'm caught up in). While I love what I work on and am thought of as being very good at it, I'd much rather be hanging out with my friends or goofing off with you. So give me a chance to show you how nerdy professors can also be fun, hip, cocky, naughty, goofy, and on occasion, even romantic!

YOU: 21-35, smart, in-shape, hard-working, and are passionate about your life, your job, your close friends, and family. You appreciate excellent grammar, fabulous restaurants, dingy dives, July 4th, San Francisco, snowboarding, amateur theater, tacky Broadway shows, SATC, the Sopranos, Blue States, and the Red ones too. You despise mind-fuck games. You are proud of what you do. You are humble. I don't really care how many degrees you have or which Ivy took your money, as long as you are not a half-baked leftie or a self-righteous proselytizer. Ideally, you're a bit like me in that you're a closet Type-B who's successfully infiltrated the pathetic world of Type-As. Of course, none of this is a requirement-- I am equally attracted to cute Type-As with exquisite Princeton credentials...;)

US: Send me an email, say something meaningful about yourself and I'll write back. It took me more than 30 seconds to bang out this post, so if I get two flip lines from you, I'll delete it. If you flame me, I'll delete you. If you send me a picture, I'll send you one too. If we click, we can meet up for a drink later this week. If you are in the Administration at MIT and believe that my post "is behavior unbecoming of a faculty member" then you should see what the tools at Harvard are getting away with.

Oh yes, if you're one of my students, undergrad or doctoral, and respond to this post, I **will** find a way to fail your sorry-ass. How sad would you be then?

I think that if I found out he was one of my professors, I'd make sure that it got into the school newspaper somehow. What right has he to fail my butt for answering an anonymous personals ad? He's so full of himself. I might have to write just for fun.

OHMYGOD. I wonder if it is who I think it is. I know a guy at MIT who was definitely a PhD student, and is now perhaps a postdoc - or even a professor. He's probably in his early 30s, and we've gone clubbing several times. I wonder if it's him. He totally fits this profile. That would be great. Dagny, I'm going to need your help on this one, totally.

Strange holidays

2005-02-17T00:39:00.000-05:00

I just felt that I had to share this. The new boy was apparently looking around online today when he came across some obscure holiday. Apparently February 16 is "Kinky Exploration Day." Well, at least the folks at egreeting seem to think it is. Needless to say, I did receive a Kinky Exploration Day ecard in my inbox. Thankfully, there were no kids in my office when I opened it. (Yes, I work with children.)

Just add water

2005-02-16T01:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I've found the instant boyfriend. I knew if I kept trying that I would eventually find the right obsessive guy. (This has been the one thing that many of my past boyfriends have had in common. I love how they start telling me about our long life together after the third date or so. One guy had even picked out names for the kids.)

So, I went out with "guy-with-no-hair" last Friday. He then sent an email on Saturday asking if I wanted to do anything on Sunday. I am weak so of course I said yes. I hung out with him on Sunday night. One of the highlights of the evening is that he gave me a Valentine's Day card. I haven't gotten one of those in years.

Things went well enough that he called me yesterday morning before I headed to work. He then called again when he got home from work. I was still at work at the time so I missed the call. I called him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to hang out last night. I explained that I am severely sleep deprived (I got three hours of sleep last night) and would have to pass as I have a pressing date with my bed ... alone. I then said that perhaps tonight would be ok and that I would give him a call. As I sat at work today, I came to my senses and suggested Thursday night. (I don't have to work on Friday so this way I would have plenty of time to make up for any potential sleep deprivation. Alas, he cannot do Thursday so we have agreed on Friday.

I think that I'm starting to remember why I stopped dating. Guys like this are difficult to get rid of. *sigh*

Ashley Madison and other fascinations

2005-02-15T02:00:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I came across a link to a site that features alleged sugar daddies looking for babes. (Yes, I found this link through a CL ad.) I find it fascinating what can be found out on the web. Of course, I perused the site thoroughly. There was one guy who had posted to the site who I do not think belonged there. He made under $100,000 a year. What kind of sugar daddy is that? I can hear it now. "Honey, we have to meet at the Motel 6 because I can't afford the Fairmont." Just doesn't conjure up any sugar daddy images there at all.

Yesterday morning I was watching a news show on which they had a piece on Ashley Madison. Apparently it's the place to go if you want to cheat on your husband. I really wish that all those married folks posting on CL would just go to sites like this that cater to their needs. Maybe they don't know about them.

Liberal Horny Guy Seeks Big-Bosomed Republican - 25

2005-02-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

That old adage, "opposites attract"? Apparently, this guy believes it in spades. My comments in italics, because I am too lazy to be continually using blockquotes.

Love is in the air. I can feel it. Can you? Love is about an adversarial relationship. Love stems from the seeds of hatred that are planted between two people--two people that don't really like each other. If you agree, read on, my love...[And already, I knew this ad was off to a good start.]

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
You are a Republican. Your brain has stopped functioning, so I should be able to take advantage of you quite easily. [The liberal part of me loves this.] We'll talk about prayer in school, 'nucular' threats posed by poverty-stricken third-world countries, your love of Krazy Karl Rove, and your surprise at North Korea possessing 'nucular' weapons (even though they've been announcing this for years).Maybe you'll talk about how Howard Dean is the devil because you're scared he may actually work to improve conditions for all Americans, rather than just the top 2 percent (which you are not a part of, but you hope to be some day). [Ah, he's a Dean fan. Hrm, we would definitely not get along. Dean reminds me of a little loud fire hydrant. I was a Clark girl myself.] This will make you little more than putty in my hands. You voted for Bush because he represents values and faith. You have no idea what this means, but you're easy, so it doesn't really matter. And even though you claim to be a religious conservative, the gloves (and inhibitions) come off in the bedroom. You are at LEAST a 36C and between 5 and 6 feet tall. And your stamina almost matches mine. Almost. Obviously, you are white (though if you are Asian, you are exempt from all requirements except the 36C and stamina guidelines). [Glad he's not picky, mm?] If you enjoy racquetball, that's a major plus. [I have never understood racquetball. Wait, is it like squash? Maybe it's squash that I don't understand. Tennis is so much more fun, and you get to wear tennis skirts.]

ABOUT ME:
I voted for John Kerry. I still believe in the separation of church and state. And I believe that gay marriage not only will not send the country down the toilets, but will show true compassion and acceptance of diversity to the rest of the world. I am college educated. The world's biggest antagonist is not outside the United States, nor is he outside of Washington DC (unless he's down there tending to the ranch). [I understand that he hates Bush, but you don't need to beat a dead horse.] I can spell a lot of words and use correct grammar without using the built-in Microsoft Word spellcheck. [Ah, I think I'm in love.] I read the newspaper on a regular basis. [Really. In love.] And though at this point we may seem like polar opposites, I think we'll have a lot of fun together. I also like dogs and good movies (Shaun of the Dead, Fahrenheit 911, Bowling for Columbine, Fog of War, There's Something About Mary, etc.). [Shaun of the Dead was a good movie? Okay, our movie tastes are definitely not similar, as I didn't see any of those movies, with the exception of the last listed, because I knew I'd just be grumpy throughout.]

OUR IDEAL FIRST DATE:
We'll start off the night with a candle-lit dinner at Olive Garden (I always throw up after eating there, but you love it, and this should get you into bed faster). [Maybe he's a misogynist. He really doesn't have very high expectations for the girl he wants to go out with.] We'll finish it with a large piece of carrot cake in a liberal Pasadena coffee shop. [I want to email him and ask if it's Busters. It's gotta be Busters! Busters is the best in the area. All of you not from Pasadena won't understand this, unfortunately.] You'll fume when you see the two women at the next table holding hands. But you'll bottle your aggression and fear to take out on me in the bedroom later in the evening, and the delicious carrot cake should promise to calm your nerves a little bit. At the end of the night (before bed, of course) we'll go down and laugh at the half-wits hanging around Green Party headquarters (I think they parked their VW Bus down by Fair Oaks and Del Mar, but I'm not sure). [Hee hee hee.]

So email me your picture and a brief biography. It should be brief, because I just described you above.

Ah, really, it's a shame that this witty one is in LA and not Boston. Although I'm not a republican, so we can't do that whole opposites-attracting thing. Then again, with similar values, you can make fun of all the others, of which I am always a big fan.

The saga continues

2005-02-12T03:27:00.000-05:00

OK. I know I swore off going on dates. I have the prerogative to change my mind. Yes, that's right. I went on yet another date.

Gloria had already checked out this guy's photo and said that I shouldn't bother with him. (He is one of the men with no hair.) Then he sent an email suggesting drinks or coffee. The offer then changed to dinner, and sushi no less. I caved. I can never seem to pass up free food, especially if it's something I really like.

So he wasn't as cute as I would have hoped but he is a really nice guy. He also likes to spend money. No, I'm not some sort of gold digger but I have had more than enough experience with cheap men. It was actually all so pleasant that I agreed to go out again. When? Who knows, but I'll be sure to share when I do go out.

"Rich businessman" is a VIOLENT FREAK - 29

2005-02-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Lookie here, it's a public service announcement and personals ad in one!

Ladies, there is a very dangerous guy who poses as a "CEO of his own company" and is a very slick talker who preys on women he meets here. He also poses as a "Sugardaddy" in order to meet young women. He has attacked several young women who I know personally. Email me for his description and his contact info an stay safe.

PS- I have connections with legit wealthy guys looking for discreet female company and that is how I came across this freak. Write me for more info.

Do you like MAD LIBS®, good, so do I... - 35

2005-02-09T10:39:00.000-05:00

This was rather clever, so I decided that it merited a post, because truly amusing CL posts are much rarer than truly bad CL posts.

Oh yes, it is time for a fun game of MAD LIBS®. Made up by yours truly, completed by you. Of course, the surprise is taken out of the finished product for you, but for me? Well, I could use a laugh today and the winner (which is judged by how much I like the story) gets to meet me a SWM of 35 for coffee or tea. I know, what a prize, so don't hold back.

______________________________________________

Once upon a time there was a _________who wanted to become a/an ______ ______.
Noun / adjective / noun

This ___________ thought that the only way to become this was to ____________.

Same noun as first / some sort of action

So s/he went to __________ to do just this. On the way s/he had to __________

specific place / verb

Over________ puddles of ____________ and __________ through _____________. S/he

Adjective/ noun / verb/ noun

started to feel_____________ and decided to e-mail/call/write/stop a

some emotion / chose one

______________and ask them to__________________. The response

Noun / a course of action

was _________ and s/he ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________ (maybe some dialog happened).

THE END

______________________________________________

Thanks for playing MAD LIBS® with me. Forward your completed sheet. Winning entry will be notified.

This guy spent a lot of time on it, I mean, he has coloured orange lines and all. Of course, I haven't enough creativity to fill it in, so unfortunately I won't be emailing this guy anytime soon.

What sides are available with this?

2005-02-07T10:21:00.000-05:00

Side dishes...

Hi, I am a tall, muscular, handsome man, sexy, loving, passionate,trustworthy, monogomous, caring, chivalrous, kind and compassionate. I am a leader by nature, very open, sexual and seeking one woman. I make over 100k annually and know how to spoil and keep my woman happy. I am seeking a long term relationship with a woman that loves monogomy and family and enjoys a variety of men. Race is open, I love adventure and exporing the world with you, (San Francisco, great restraunts, travel, snuggling, dancing, movies and cooking together at home) we are sexual creatures and revel in each others fantasies, and would like to dedicate ourselves to each other and have a little secret (With a few very handsome men on the side for you) that our friends and family know nothing about. Kids are cool and color is not an issue.
Please include a picture is you would like a reply.

I was tempted to correct the spelling but then I realized that I needed to post the ad as it originally appeared.

Why do I need handsome men on the side? Is he ugly? Is he impotent? Perhaps both? The more I read these ads, the more frightened I become.

scandalize your friends because your new boyfriend is a SEX WORKER - 28

2005-02-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

This is yet another of the myriad angles that can be taken in an online post:

Seriously though, my friend is a full time gigolo and my other friend is a male erotic masseuse. I run a private escort referral business so I am also a sex worker. Hey sex workers need love too and all three of us are precious. You can date me or either one of my friends if you are a cool shit. Your ex or your friends will be so scandalized. ;)

Yes, but I don't think I want anyone I'm dating sleeping with other people, even if it is his job. Plus - diseases! Diseases!

I also rather liked his description of being "precious". Um, things that are precious are adorable people like me, cute little puppies and kittens, and expensive jewelry. NOT sex workers.

I haven't given up completely

2005-02-07T01:20:00.000-05:00

After my last post, Gloria was worried that I would not have any new posts for the site. There is no need to worry. I still plan to post commentary on the ads on Craigslist. I have also made one final edit to my ad and re-posted it. Maybe there's some poor schmuck out there who hasn't answered previously. I'm not sure if my eyes can take anymore of those hideous pictures though.

I just realized that I probably sound like a complete snob. Rest assured. I am. In younger days, I was constantly told, "You should be a model." Actually, I still hear that now but I explain to people that I am well above model age (with no portfolio) these days. Yes, I am superficial. I have dated ok looking guys before but never the ugly guys who have answered my ad. If I was a mean person, I would post the pictures to which I have been subjected. I just keep wondering who told these guys that they are attractive. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My aunt married a guy who I think looked like a mole (yes, the animal). Then again, he did have money.

Oooo ... I just received my first response -- from a guy who previously said that it was my job to impress him. (See Being More Specific)

Oh well. Life goes on ...

Oh ... I hurt your feelings...

2005-02-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

Right before I heard from high school boy, I heard from another guy. He seemed ok and the picture wasn't bad. OK, Gloria had issues with his facial hair. Me? He didn't look like Grizzly Adams so it was all good with me.

After close to a week of correponding, I asked him about meeting. He said that he would try to squeeze me into his weekend. I should have taken that as a sign. What did I do instead? I posted an edited version of my original ad. This is the ad to which high school boy responded.

In the second week, I asked tried to hint around about weekend plans. He was elusive. I then mentioned that I had a date with high school boy. He seemed wounded. His response? He told me that he had a date over the weekend -- dinner and a movie. I said, trying to be a friend, that I expected to hear details.

Well, now it's Sunday. He's been on his date. The only detail I received is that the date was "great." (Sure he had a date.) Now he's pissed off with me. Well, that is because of the email exchange today. Gloria tried to remind me that according to my horoscope that others could misconstrue my meaning in emails today. Now I know what the horoscope meant. I did apologize for being pissy. It's not my fault if he doesn't believe me. And all this from a guy I've never met in person.

No more CL dates for me. I'm going back to hanging out in bars and clubs ... because I'm cute and I can.

TOP 10 REASONS I DESERVE A BLOWJOB TODAY - 29

2005-02-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

I have no desire to write to this guy, but the post made me laugh.

HELP ! My dick has taken over my computer today. I have tried to stop him but his desperation and despair has made him too strong. Anything said below is written by an out of control cock - I take no responsibility.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. I need some air.
9. My owner has promised to let me watch the Super Bowl with him if I succeed today.
8. I showered really, really good - I scrubbed hard!
7. You know you want me baaaaby (I am a very talented penis. I bet you never heard a penis do an Austin Powers impression til now eh?:)
6. Lately, my owner is beating me like I owe him money.
5. You need the practice.
4. I am well proportioned, large and in really great shape.
3. I last much longer than cookies or ice cream and am low carb/high protein.
2. It's tax deductable.
1. I watched that damn Golden Girls last night - they get my juices flowing
every time!

I'd like to know what happens if the poor penis doesn't get a blowjob. Does it not get to watch the Superbowl? Do I want to know how that works?

And the winner is...

2005-02-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

Another stellar post...

I'm not looking for a new England ... Just looking for another girl.

After a good deal of experimentation, I've decided that opposites don't attract. So I'm looking for someone just like me.

So, here's the deal: I'm tall (6'2"), so please be tall; I'm very good-looking, so please be very good-looking, I have a good body and a really nice ass, so please have a good body and a really nice ass.

Beyond those gating issues, I'm smart and very widely read, so please be smart and very widely read. Also, I'm funny and like to goof around, so please be funny and like to goof around.

I know this sounds narcissistic, but I talked to my therapist about it and she assures me it's not. Just an expression of the universal human need to commune with someone on the same level, physically, mentally and emotionally, apparently.

Anyway, if by some divine Providence you read this and it describes you, please respond with a picture. We'll take it from there.

There is only one comment necessary here, I believe. He talked to his therapist about it?

WHO NEEDS A GREEN CARD? - 26

2005-02-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

Now, since I am an American citizen, I don't need a green card, but for those of you who do:

IF YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED OR NEED A GREEN CARD, PLEASE READ THIS:

I am 27 years old and I sell insurance and financial services. My career has the opportunity to earn around $150,000 a year. I am tired of the dating scene. It is so difficult to meet women here in LA let alone find a relationship so basically what I want to do is just get married. I am looking for anyone who is considerind a long term relationship. If you are a foreigner who needs a green card listen up: I WILL MARRY ANY WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GREEN CARD!!!!!! I just want to get married so I can live a stress-free life. If you reply I will send you my pic.

I mean, his career has the opportunity to make lots of money. There's no guarantee that he'll ever hit it, but you know, that elusive opportunity awaits! And you have to admire the guy, he thinks that getting married will ensure him a "stress-free life". Because being married is less stressful than dating. This is a DON'T MISS!!!! opportunity! If I needed a green card I would email him in a heartbeat!!!! Maybe I will anyway!!

Seriously. Marriage as the only other option than dating? There's always a monastery.

This simply deserves commentary

2005-02-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

I was busy browsing the ads on CL this morning when I came across this gem. (What? Oh, you want to know why I was browsing the ads when I just had a date last night. I'm still not sure how the date went so I'm hedging my bets.) I felt this guy deserved a post.

Hi - I'm 37, white and fairly successful (wealthy, have been in Time, NYTimes, CNN, etc., generous in my work and life, proud of my achievements), attractive enough (some modeling five years ago in NYC for aggressive photographers), etc. I’m more rock than jock.

I've been in enough serious relationships and flings. I don't want someone falling in love with me again, or to fall in love with someone else.

I'm looking for purely fun, superficial dating -- I take you out to dates scrumptious places, maybe on some travel, you dazzle me with your beauty and charm. I am not looking for an escort or paid companion.

BTW: Sex is probably out, since it complicates things, and I want some simple romantic flirting fun.

-me

First of all, if he's so hot, where's the picture? Even better, where are the links to the Time and NY Times references? Also I'm kind of frightened by the "more rock than jock" thing. Does this mean that he looks like Mick Jagger?

He wants a superficial thing but doesn't want a paid companion? Hmmmm ... I think he may be related to "never bought a woman a drink" guy. Oh ... and no sex? There is something definitely wrong with this guy.

But of course, you know me. Yes, I am tempted to answer. Why? Because if all else fails, I'll get a great story out of it.

Why I hate dating

2005-02-04T01:07:00.000-05:00

So I went out with the high school boy tonight. (No, he is not in high school currently. We went to the same high school but didn't really know each other back then.) I was fashionably late -- 10 minutes. When I arrived at the restaurant, he was at the table having a beer.

We ate, we talked, and then we had to leave because he needed to go to work early in the morning. It was enjoyable. There were no awkward pauses in the conversation. Oh, and yes, Gloria, he is cute. The date lasted about two hours.

Then came the part of the date that I always hate -- the goodbye. Perhaps someone else can help me on what is appropriate. We said goodbye, shuffled around for a few awkward moments, and then shook hands. We then continued to talk for a few more minutes. I thought I detected a lean on his part but I'm really not sure. Finally we parted ways, and now I sit here typing.

I'm not aure where things stand from here. I will send off my "standard" thank you email in the morning. (I like to use it in those questionable situations. I think of it as a way of saying, "I think you're interesting and would like to see you again," without actually saying the words.

Own your very own Man Pet! - 35

2005-02-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm wondering if this is the same guy as the Tarzan guy. My comments in italics.

OK, you've tried a fish tank, a cat, and a dog. All great pets, but something is missing. Allow me to indulge in a comparison with a popular pet, a bit of a bake off you might say. (Note: bark off might have been more clever and a propos.)

Things a dog can do, and so can I
Sit.
Be loyal.
Long walks.
Fetch a Frisbee or tennis ball (not with my teeth, so no slobber).
Stick my head out the window while driving.
Be house broken.
Low cost (single meal a day and water is fine with me). (Only one meal a day? What's wrong with this guy?)
Keep your feet warm in winter.
Get fixed. (Does this mean he's had a vasectomy? Or that he's willing to get one?)
Run fast, but not up/down the stairs.
Follow you around. (I hope not obsessively, like our stupid dog.)
Enjoy head petting and hair brushing.
Things a dog does, but I don't

Chase other dogs, cats, or cars.

Bark (could if you want me to I guess).

Go to the vet.

Sniff butts or crotches.

Drink toilet water.

Sleep on your bed while you are at work. (This means he'll stay home while I'm at work? What's up with that?)

Pee/poo someplace other than in the toilet. (If only we could train our stupid dog to do that.)

Lick my own genitals.

Things a dog can't do, but I do

Be short or long haired.

Shower/bathe daily.

Remove my own fleas/ticks. (I really hope he doesn't have any.)

Do chores (windows, toilets, dishes, laundry, whatever).

Put up a better fight against intruders (i.e. call 911).

Faux boy friend to ward off all the other strange men. (Wait, so he's not looking to date someone? Why is he posting on this board?)

Dance (well, at least I can lead).

Open a pickle jar.

Brush your hair. (Aw, I like it when other people play with my hair.)

Answer the phone, and take a message.

Drive a car.

Rent movies.

Can do laundry and fold clothes.

Play tennis and putt putt golf.

Conversation.

Cook.

Cuddle (OK, maybe a dog can do that).

While I'm not exactly offering myself up as your slave, however, this is an opportunity to be the first on your block to have a man pet. Why settle for a lesser species when you can own the top of the food chain. I'm available for immediate placement, so bring me home today. By the way, my ID tags say "Single White Male 35."So, if you want to take me for a walk, let me know.

It's cute, not as clever as the Tarzan one, but in the same vein. Another question - since he's advertising himself as a "man pet", does that mean that I'd have to support him financially? Note how none of his "abilities" says that he'll take a girl out to dinner or for drinks. And is he homeless and will he be moving in with me? These are very serious questions that must be answered. And if someone (ahem, Dagny) wants to help me craft a response, that would be awesome.

Helping my guy find his match! - 28

2005-02-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

Now, this is an interesting approach to a post:

To all interested girls in the Boston/Metrowest area! Want to meet a really awesome guy? I’d like you to meet my former boyfriend. He and I had dated for a year and a half before circumstances caused us to break up. I really hate to see him so lonely so I volunteered to help him find a new girlfriend.

A little about him: he’s 28, single, white, a male (duh), 5’9”, hazel eyes and brown hair, a cute and disarming smile, boyishly cute with a gorgeous body, D/D free, social drinker, non-smoker. He has a good job, a car and an apartment, works out every day and has some karate training. He’s a hopeless romantic, very funny, deep, philosophical and mischievous. He’s a great kisser and gives wonderful hugs! He is also polyamorous, which means he is comfortable with an open, loving relationship where both he and his girlfriend are free to meet other people without fear of jealousy.

What he likes!: A woman confident in her sexuality and in herself, 20--30s+, D/D free, social drinker okay, non-smoker. Any race, any type (but fit & healthy preferred). Kindly, able to support herself, enjoys any “non-girl” activities like scifi books and movies, comic books, enjoys novels and movies and isn’t hung up on her appearance, isn’t superficial or materialistic. No emotional baggage please! Poly girl preferred, or any girl who can handle an open relationship.

I hope that helps! Thanks for taking the time to read, and please respond! This goes directly to him!

Did this ex-girlfriend really write the post, or is the guy pretending to write it? If it is the case of the latter, that's just ridiculous. However, if it's the former scenario, it opens up all sorts of interesting topics. Such as - does he know about it? Why did they break up? Is this just an evil prank she played on her ex?

Honesty Part 2

2005-02-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I went out with a guy whose ad I had answered. We met for coffee. Everything was going so well, we decided to get dinner. Then we went for drinks and ended the evening with more coffee. At the end of the evening we agreed to go out the following weekend. Thursday of that week he emailed me to say that he would not be able to go out because he had just found out that he had to work that weekend. I told him that it was fine with me and asked that he just let me know when he would be available.

Two weeks passed by and not a word from him. Normally I would just write the guy off. I figure if you can't contact me within two weeks, then you probably are not interested and I should move on. When I relayed this to a friend, she argued that it was too much like game playing and that I should give the guy a chance. She lectured for so long that I finally gave in and emailed the guy to see how he was doing. This is the response I received.

I'm sorry i hadn't told you sooner. It's not that i don't like you. I just realized that i'm looking for something physical right now. I assumed you weren't interested in that, so rather than come clean i just hid. Sorry, you deserved better.

Damn skippy I deserve better. I just spent some more time on the phone analyzing this response with another friend. She says that he is obviously afraid of commitment but doesn't know how to come right out and say it. Below is my answer to this.

Thank you for your honesty. Was it really that hard? I'm not completely sure what I'm looking for at this time. I know that it is not a purely physical relationship. I can find that hanging out in a bar. (Of course, that's one thing that has always kind of bothered me. If someone is looking for something purely physical, then why bother with CL?) Anyway, best of luck.

Maybe someone can answer that question for me. If all you need is sex, then why not just head out to a bar and pick someone up? It used to work for me in the past. Now I like to think that I have matured though, and while sex can be important, it is not the only thing that matters. OK, and sometimes I look at CL purely for the entertainment factor.

YOU TARZAN. ME JANE. No, wait. Tarzan confused - 35

2005-02-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm done with that whole "Shaken, not stirred" foray into internet dating. I got some 50-odd responses, leaving me to believe that the guys of Boston are really eager to date - well then, why don't I see them when I'm out? Oh right, going out in groups of guys the majority of the time generally hurts one's chances at meeting new guys. Must work on that. I have one more date set up for this weekend, and we'll see how it goes (if it goes poorly, don't worry, there will be a post on it. Already, it's not looking like things'll be going in his favour as he uses the space bar very oddly, but we'll see. He was cute).

Anyway, for your enjoyment. This was not a response to my ad, but rather one I found on Craigslist awhile ago. I almost wrote him because he was so damn funny. I don't know what happened, I suppose I forgot. Because I'm really forgetful like that. Oh well.

Tarzan:
Live through thirty five white summers and winters.

Level head, but sometimes off wall.

Big brain! Spend time at big university! Get important piece of paper! But maybe spent too much time in front of human and chalkboards with funny symbols. Only talk in grunts and computer code. Can type two thousand words in minute, as long as all those words "argh".

Not six feet. Only five-ten. If Jane have height fetish, maybe Tarzan fix Jane up with big ape friend Bobo instead.

Like smashing little white ball with bat. I swung from Pesky Pole, then green monster mad!

Love following waves at beach with no board! But water in Boston too dirty. Tarzan only like clean water.

Tarzan like sound. Maybe some day Tarzan become big rock star and do sound for Van Halen.

Usually mellow, but sometimes urge to do interesting new thing like tour land of baguette-eaters or jump out of big metal bird.

Tarzan want Jane:

Between twenty-three and forty-three summers old? Tarzan somewhat flexible.

Have sense of humor. Must make Tarzan laugh! But Tarzan laugh easy, especially if Jane smart.

Help drag Tarzan away for more time near trees and waves. Like trying new things! But Tarzan not push Jane out of big metal bird if Jane not want.

"Rubenesque" OK with Tarzan.

Not just respond "Jane like Tarzan ad! So, tell Jane more about Tarzan." Tarzan need something to work with!
Tarzan like email. Tarzan like "You've got mail!"

You have to admit, that's pretty damn clever and funny, and I always enjoy an ad that can genuinely make me laugh, rather than just making me laugh at the poster for being a big flaming moron. Maybe I will upload a little gold star graphic that I can use to tag such posts. Too lazy to do that as well.

A Very Surreal Day

2005-02-01T01:15:00.000-05:00

This past Friday night I was kind of bored so I decided to edit my previous CL ad. I just had to see if I could get rid of the responses from men who are closer to my dad in age. Well, I think I may have done something right this time because I received a number of decent responses. (Yes, they were cute, Gloria. They also sounded sane.)

One guy stood out in the group. He had a nice picture and he sounded like a nice person. We spent the weekend emailing each other. Finally on Sunday he sent an email describing where in the area he lived. I promptly wrote back that I knew where the city is because I grew up in the area. His response? He wanted to know what high school I went to. Then he told me where I went to high school. Yes, that's right. We went to the same high school. I promptly pulled out my yearbook. All I had was the photo he had sent me, his first name, and his age. I located him in the yearbook within 2 minutes. That's when I realized that I had kind of known him in high school. We knew a lot of the same people. I promptly wrote to my high school best friend and found out that the guy in question had been her older brother's best friend in high school. This is why I've always been reluctant to post an ad. I knew that one day I was bound to run into someone I already knew.

Bottom line? We're going out to dinner later this week. I'll keep you posted.

Shaken, not stirred - How lame can one get?

2005-01-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently, pretty damn lame.

Here is a reply:

I'm 5'10", brown hair and blue eyes that can see into you. I'm clean cut and professional, my job demands it. I can cook, clean, and can do well with a hammer or screwdriver in my hand. You never know, you could have already seen me walking around. Was I be the guy in the jeans and t-shirt coming out of the coffee shop, or the guy just finished up that all important executive meeting wearing the best money can buy. Or was I someone else you didn't notice. This is not bull. And I am not bull.

Okay, that was a whole bunch of baloney, but the last line killed me. I couldn't help responding, "But are you bear?" Get it? Do you really? Bull and bear, stock market terms? I thought I was pretty damn clever. I still think I am, what a great pun that was, and I'm bad at such witty remarks. I must have said some other stuff, because his next response was:

I am an amalgam of them all. I can stand out, or disappear when I need to. That's why I said you could walk by me and not know it. I guess it is the cloak and dagger side of me? Am I a bear though? Actually yes I am. I am part Russian :) Sorry had to do it.

My first thoughts: Ewww. Hairy Russian. Ewwww. EWWWWW. YUCK.

I don't know why, but I wrote back to him. Oh yeah, I told him to tell me more about himself. And this is what I got:

I'm 24, 5'10", brown hair and blue eyes that can see into you. I am the guy that does not exist anymore. I have manners, I hold open doors, I say thank you, a guy who is willing to go the extra mile, the type of guy that only exists in the black and white movies. I can hold my own in a conversation and even start one that is not based on booze or sports (although I do like both topics). You can walk by me in the street and not even know it. I could be the guy in the jeans and t-shirt coming out of the coffee shop, or the guy just finished up that all important executive meeting wearing the best money can buy, whatever is called for at that time, I can do. I don't need to go out 7 nights a week, I'm happy curling up on the couch watching a movie, the Sox or whatever is on that sounds good. I can take a joke, be the butt of a joke, or dish it out when the time is right. No matter what, I will make you feel comfortable. I'm clean cut and professional, my job demands it. I can cook, clean, and can do well with a hammer or screwdriver in my hands.

I'm sorry, is he some sort of automated response system where he spews out the same baloney every time? This is not enigmatic or mysterious or whatever he's trying to be (and failing at), this is just plain ol' pathetic. He ceased to be amusing, so I stopped writing.

Shaken, not stirred - Lessons learned.

2005-01-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

NEVER go out with a person without getting a picture of the guy beforehand.

Obviously, I responded to a couple of ads because I couldn't help myself - primarily because the guys were cute. Ah, shallowness, that would be me. Hey, I'm admitting it, I have nothing to hide.

But there was one ad that I responded to, without picture, just because I was curious. He said that he was getting a graduate degree in public policy in Cambridge - which immediately pointed to a KSG student. Awesome! I was excited! I had questions about professors there!

Poor guy. He answered a personal ad, and he got pummeled with questions about coursework.

Anyway, I digress. He was in NY doing an internship, and I was going to be down there for the week, so I suggested that we meet up. My roommate told me I was being a moron for not getting his picture first. I should've listened to him.

In the end, it wasn't his looks that were off-putting, although to be honest, had I received a picture I probably wouldn't have gone out with him. It wasn't even the fact that he was my height (with me having heels on) that turned me off.

No, it was the fact that he was a typical full-of-himself Harvard asshole that was the ultimate turnoff. Examples:

Me: "Yeah, I was looking at a class in educational policy."
Him: "You should take this negotiation workshop at the law school."
Me: "Hm, I'm not really interested in that."
Him: "Well, you should really consider it. It's a useful skill to have."

Let's repeat that: "It's a useful skill to have." That is what my father told me about medical school. If I wanted advice as to what I should be doing with my life, I'd just call home. I wouldn't go out on a date.

Me: "So, you're working at the UN? I contacted someone there about speaking on this panel I'm organising."
Him: "Oh, nobody at the UN really works except for a few people. My boss is one of them."

I'm sorry, what? Who made you the almighty overseer of determining who works and who doesn't? Incidentally, the guy we invited for the panel is chairman of the UN subcommission for the Promotion and Protection of Human Rights. I feel like he might do some work.

Me: "Where in Africa did you work? What the UN does abroad is really interesting. I had a professor who headed the peacekeeping operations in East Timor."
Him: "Oh, hrmph. East Timor is a peaceful place. I worked in the Congo."

Yes, but you were a lowly worker whereas my prof LED the mission there. And it is now a peaceful region because he helped make it so. Additionally, again, who made you the coolest guy on earth? Because you are NOT. Plus, that professor was so damn hot, and you definitely aren't.

The whole lunch was like this. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I didn't even let him pay for lunch because I didn't want to be beholden in any way, and you know that's a bad sign when I don't accept a free meal when offered. Hm, I don't know how this links to not getting pictures beforehand, but I'm sure that it does. Oh, right. See, had I been smart enough to get a picture from him, I wouldn't have to have been subjected to his colossal ego, and my day would've been that much better.

Being More Specific

2005-01-29T02:02:00.000-05:00

So, I thought that I would try posting another ad. I learned from the last one what I had done wrong. Who would have known that the first man I would attract would be some drunken ass? (Well, given the fact that I was posting at 10:30 pm on a Friday night, I did think that I would attract some drunken fools. Isn't that the point in posting at that hour though?) This one takes the cake though.

In his first response, he accused me of being a gay man trolling for photos to beat off to. (He must not have seen the photos I received on the first round. Those photos alone have made me think that celibacy is an excellent idea.) I was going to cut him some slack, but then I noticed his gross grammatical errors. I just cannot excuse that. I had to inform him that, unlike what he believed, it was his job to impress me, not the other way around. His response to that? Read below...

oh and you do? have something to OFFER? Bitch you dont know who I am or what I have; judgemental cunt. This must be why you even have to post an add to get any attention from a male much less a man. Save it...freak you are fake, scorned and unwanted. As for spelling ...its called being drunk

I just pity the poor pathetic fool.

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who are too into James Bond for their own good.

2005-01-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

Let me reiterate that in replying to an online personal, you should try to make a good first impression. You should also try to share something about yourself that makes the person want to write back. So maybe it was my fault that I threw in the James Bond reference, because some guys just focus on that to a perhaps extreme degree.

I'ma sweet and sexy SWM 38 looking for a you.WHY? because you quoted James Bond and I'm a big ol' James Bond geek.Well maybe not a geek ,per se,but an afficianado.

That's all he wrote. It does nothing for me. Not to mention he is way older than I am. If he had been an especially promsicuous youth at 14, I could be his daughter. Gross.

If you are the female James Bond... then can I be your Bond Boy, you can call me, Woody Galore...

Yuck! We don't know each other yet, don't be making jokes in those lines. Because as a stranger, you are just a pervert if you do so.

The game of choice for Bond is baccarat... do you know how to play?

Blahblahblah. Why don't you tell me something about yourself, not something I know already from watching all the Bond movies?

If your the female James Bond, then I am Q.

This guy might have to argue with this following one:

I'm more like "Q". I'm older and wiser than Bond. I have the gadgets that Bond needs and I can also put bond in his place when out of line.

That's all that those two guys wrote. All I can guess is that they want to start some sort of small debate, but that's not the point of answering a personals ad, is it?

The title of the post, alone, piqued my interest. (said with my best Connery impersonation)

So let me ask you these ultra important questions....................screw the "Whats your life story, stuff?" lol This is much more nitty gritty, need to know..........

1) If you were a female James Bond, what would your name be?

2) If you were a "Bond woman" what would your name be?

and finally.........

3) If you were a Bond villian, what would your name be?

Signed, From Russia With Love.

aka B--

I'm sorry, I think the life story is more interesting to me, especially as the guy didn't answer the questions himself.

sounds cool...so do you ski, hike, dive off of 800ft dams with a bungee cord (hehe)

"Hehe" right back atchya. I don't get what's with these one-line emails.

ok, Bond..... I'm the Man with the Golden Gun......

That's all he wrote too. I mean, really, what do you respond to that? Do you start digressing into plot points? Start quoting the movie? "We all get our jollies one way or another."

Wow "I thought christmas only comes once a year". Hehe I thought you would like that it is a quote from one of the bond movies. I have seen most of the bond movies but not all. If I have missed some it is the older ones.

Again, there is nothing to say in response. "I'm sorry, watch all of them first then talk to me"? And obviously I know my Bond quotes. Doofus. And the old Bond movies are the better ones.

Well may I suggest that we explore the possibility of a joint mission :

You be the female James Bond, and I'll be Agent Cody Banks, ur understudy....

Okay, so that was stupid too, but the guy was cute so I made some allowances for him (after pointing out that Cody Banks is only 12 and that hopefully he wasn't that young. He wasn't.)

Hello Agent 107,
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to discover, intercept, and extract information from a mysterious agent of the Revolutionary Avante Guarde. The individual you are seeking is a SWM, 6 Ft tall, dark and handsome mysterious man claiming to originally be from Boston. Please be aware that he uses fake accents, speaks in foreign languages and is ravishingly handsome. He has been spotted in exotic lands pretending to be on vacation, but we believe his home base is in or around the Boston area.

Approved tactics include magic spells, alcoholic truth serum, and any other womanly charms that you have trained in at The Academy. Please be aware that if your identity is discovered, we will disavow any knowledge of the mission and you will be all alone with this devil. Other agents have been known to lose perspective and enter into a dream-like state after initial contact, so be prepared for whatever skills he may have developed since he was first reconnoitered. ;-)

I was impressed, and considered writing him back, but ultimately I decided that it was just too overwhelming for me. And what sort of straight male uses "ravishingly" in a description? He's probably gay. After all, as one of my friends pointed out, "All the guys you like verge on gaydom". Sad, but true. My (very gay) roommate is still in love with my ex, and is still upset that we broke up because he wanted to mack on him.

Who are these freaks?

2005-01-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

I just received this response to my ad. It makes me want to delete the ad.

...slowin down to take a look...

ok lets see. I like female smokers. Fetish. guilty. Probably shouldn't get too close-wrong reason for a relationship. Right reason for getting something out of my system. I never have and never will smoke.

I have heard of all kinds of fetishes (I live in the San Francisco area, after all), but I have never heard of one for smokers.

When I am not into my fetish(as in nearly constantly) I am a capable single parent, windsurfer, square, good speller. I suppose I like the thing I read somewhere that its important for the child to see her parent loved by another adult. Odds are long long on that one, cutie. Its just something I read.

He cannot spell. Otherwise, he would have said, "It's just something I read." Notice my usage of the apostrophe.

Tell me all about it. In pictures. Send some. Send the ones you have ready and then, at the last minute, give-in and add the really smutty one to the attachments.

I think I need to shower. I feel so dirty.

Be careful when you ask for something

2005-01-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

I instructed men in my ad that they would receive bonus points for using spell check. How was I to know that some of them would take this as a creative challenge?

I have a spelling checker,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly Marx for my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
An die can put the era rite,
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My checker tolled me sew!

I'll admit it. I chuckled. Now Gloria may not have answered this one because there was no picture attached, but I figured that anyone who went through this much trouble deserved a response. Although it is a shame it is not an original work. (Thank you, Google.)

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who are too competitive for their own good.

2005-01-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I'm patting myself on the back for my excellent coding skills (in the outside world, it's called categorising). I've learned something in school! Yay! (This is especially exciting because all I learned undergrad was how much wine I could drink before being truly drunk.) This blizzard, however? Horrible! You can't see the tires of parked cars!

So there were the guys who inadvertantly (hopefully) insulted me, probably thinking they were being witty. Morons. Witty is demonstrating intelligence in a subtle and catching way, which none of the guys did. Then, there are those guys who think that they'll get my attention by being competitive. I dunno, it doesn't really work for me, especially the way these guys have phrased it. Additionally, when I said that I played pool and poker, I did NOT say that I was a pro at it nor that I was even especially any good. While I do enjoy both activities, I enjoy the bluffing aspect of poker but often forget in what order the hands go, and in pool I often sink the other person's balls in the pockets rather than my own. It's so mortifying.

I have some time as well. I bet I could kick you ass in a game of 8-ball...wanna place a bet?

I'm sorry, is this supposed to make want to hang out with him? I don't even know him, and yet he's already talking about kicking my ass. So not okay.

I am an official pool skark and can kick your ass 8 ball or 9.

I'd think that this was the same guy as the previous one, but it's a different email address. I don't know that I'd ever write a stranger and say, "I could kick your ass" unless I wanted to get into a fight.

So tell me how much $$$ have you won in a poker game? How much $$ have you lost?

It's not all about the money, it's about fooling other people.

I think it's a guy thing, being this competitive. It's not terribly endearing, I have to say.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 3

2005-01-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is time for yet another tale. I've decided that you're ready for the story that first inspired me to start writing here. In keeping with my last post, this is another tale about honesty.

I had answered this guy's ad a couple of months ago. He sounded intelligent and he made me laugh. We did have some differences on how to make chili, though. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign. Then he sent his photo and I discovered that this nice guy was actually attractive. We eventually agreed to meet for coffee. What a surprise! He actually looked like his picture. He also seemed normal in person.

When I got home, I quickly sent Gloria an email. She kept telling me that there had to be something wrong with the guy because he just seemed too perfect. I knew that his imperfection would surface eventually but had no idea what it would be. (We all have imperfections. That's just a fact of life. Me? I can be anal retentive about the silverware drawer.)

A couple of nights later, I was talking to him on the phone. He said that he didn't think that I was that into him because I didn't ask enough questions. Whatever. I asked him why he was trying CL. He said he had gotten out of a relationship a while back and was trying to get back into dating. How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to delve more.

At this point he told me his tale. He was married for five years, but they parted ways because they had become more like brother and sister (his words). He then went on a partying binge. And then a wonderous thing happened. He found -- wait for it, wait for it -- the word. That's right I said it. He found the word and it changed his life. (For those of you not in the know, that would be the Bible.) He then started dating a woman from his church. They decided that sex was for procreation, not recreation. Therefore, only married people should have sex. They abstained for a year and a half. When they decided to break up, they gave into temptation and got busy. A friend of mine said that it seems like if you are going to have break-up sex, then you should use at least four forms of birth control. Of course, these are born again Christians we're talking about so that was not in the cards. End of the tale? He is now the proud father of a ten month old daughter. Oh, and he's not available to date during the week because he tries to visit his daughter every weeknight. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him since that night.

Now onto my favorite topic ... honesty. It seems to me that there are some things that one should include in one's ad on CL. Things like religious beliefs. Things like fatherhood. If you are not willing to put these in the ad, then you should be forthcoming during the email barrage. (We emailed each other at least 10 times before agreeing to meet.) If you don't approve of drinking and partying, then just come right out and say it. The problem I have found is that people are more concerned with finding someone who has similar interests instead of finding someone with similar values. If you're really looking for a relationship, then it's the latter that matters most. You'll never get there if you aren't honest about who you are.

Shaken, not stirred - Idiots who insult.

2005-01-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

This snow? Really stifling my social life (which really consists of dragging various friends out to bars and drinking up a storm and making fun of other people. Yes, I could drink in my apartment, but when who am I going to make fun of?). Anyway, onto the point of this post.

That old adage, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, is a saying for a reason. First impressions count tons. Especially if the first impression is made over email. You have time to think over your words carefully and to present yourself as best you can. Because, really, this is all about marketing skills.

That's why I fail to understand why some guys thought it was okay to make what I interpret as veiled insults. For instance:

I just want to say that I work at a group home for retarded people... and there's this one guy who's always saying that line: "I'll have a martini... SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED... Mr. Bond." That's about it. You can also email me if you might be interested.

If I'm not mistakened, he paralleled me to a mentally retarded guy. That's not going to make me view him favourably. So I wrote back and asked if he meant to compare me to a retarded guy. Normally, I'd let it go, but I desperately needed further clarification. He said he didn't mean it. He has nice forearms, I might give him a second chance (I have no qualms admitting that I am shallow.)

whats up yea i can see that you got a lot of free time write me back let me know more about u i am a 24 music grad student new in boston

I have to say, I am very impressed because not only did he insult me by saying I have too much free time, but he also managed to use NO punctuation nor capital letters in his entire email. It's just awesome.

Interesting profile to say the least....whats going on?

Questioning me. What the hell? When you reply, it's your turn to share a little bit about yourself, not to cast doubt upon me.

Are u for real???....you sounds too good to be true....

And this one is questioning my existence. Dumbass. I was tempted to write back something involving philosophical existence, but I just didn't have it in me.

the girl next door but hotter??? is that possible

Yeah, this whole questioning me thing is not going to get you in my good graces.

Not sure.. the girl next door to me is REALLY HOT!

I think I'll write back to this one, "Then go date her, what are you bothering with craigslist for?"

So, lesson #2 (please remember that lesson #1 was to NOT use your full name for safety's sake): If the best first impression you can make is by insulting someone, it's not going to get you anywhere (unless you are cute, heh).

What's wrong with honesty?

2005-01-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

I decided to follow Gloria's lead and try something new. I posted an ad just to see who was out there. Well, according to two guys, so far, I am obviously shallow because I had the nerve to put a height preference in my ad. (I also put an age range preference, but this didn't seem to stop some guys from sending responses.) I am 5'10". I like to wear heels. What is wrong with asking a guy to be 6' or taller? Actually, I said that 5'10" was the lower limit, but I'd probably prefer a guy 6' or taller.

Oops ... lost my train of thought. I had to read an email from a guy who sent me a pic of Ralph Fiennes and is trying to tell me that it's a picture of him. Then again, maybe he's just a dead ringer for Ralph. I digress.

Back to the ranting men in the San Francisco area. One guy told me that a woman requesting a specific height minimum was akin to a guy asking that women have a minimum cup size. He said it was rude to make that kind of request. Yes, I suppose being brutally honest is rude, but some of these guys just need it. When I told the first guy that perhaps he was insecure about his height, he responded that he did not have any issues about his height or his equipment. Ummm ... I never mentioned his equipment. Now I guess we know the source of his insecurity, though.

I must digress again. Ralph just explained that he sent me the picture of Ralph because he looks like him, and he doesn't have any pictures of himself at work. Knew I wasn't losing my mind. We'll see if he really looks like Ralph. Besides, he was not intimidated by the height requirements and claims to be 6'2".

Back to insecure guy. Of course this guy has never seen a shift key in his life. He also had issues with my request to please use spell check. He said, "what is this a test? who gives a fuck in these ads if a word or two are spelled incorrectly?" I told him that it was a test, and he had failed miserably. Notice the lack of capitals. Also, what is up with the use of profanity with a complete stranger? If this was him putting his best foot forward, then I pity him.

I say if a guy knows that he only likes a certain cup size, then he should say it. Similarly, women should be able to request a certain height.

I promise to get back to real-life tales with my next post. The focus will be honesty in ads.

Shaken, not stirred - Introduction.

2005-01-21T11:31:00.000-05:00

While looking at all the personals is fun (and very time-consuming - perfect for procrastination).. you have to sort through a whole lot of really crappy ones before you find that gem of which you can make fun. I mean, I can't even tell you how many roll-my-eyes-boring ads I've read.

So then, why go looking for the idiots? Why not let them come to me?

And so, I placed a cute little ad, with the title above. It was short and sweet - based in truth, because what happens in the offchance that I actually find someone (gasp!) decent this way? - and the James Bond reference will enable those morons a good starting point to write a witty line or two.

Ah, those guys in Boston are desperately looking for love. In the hour between placing my ad (at 23h30) and going to bed (do the math - 00h30), 23 guys responded. This morning, there are a whole bunch more.

Don't worry, I will share the responses with all of you, because they're too good to keep to myself. But before I get to the business of categorising all the ads, one tip for anyone who answers online personals. Do NOT be a flaming moron and have your full name in the "name" part of your email. Because 1) you are emailing strangers and why would you disclose your identity to strangers and 2) people like me will google you.

For future reference, so all the replies I post make sense, my ad involved: drinking, playing poker and pool, not playing games, and being hotter than the girl next door.

Yes, I had a very brief fling with the advertising field. I'd have been great in it, let me tell you.

ATTRACTIVE AM.INDIAN/black seeking ltr with PRETTY WHITE BRUNETTE

2005-01-20T13:07:00.000-05:00

Gosh, that wasn't even a satisfying hunt because his other post was right BELOW creepy post #1. He doesn't get any better, by the way. The only reason it's taken me this long to post it is because I decided that I actually should start working on my papers. But since I have writer's block, hopefully with the help of this pervo, my creative juices will start flowing again.

I AM A INTERESTING, DYNAMIC, INTELLIGENT PERSON...Recently single... Honest, sincere, sensitive, outgoing, kind, gentle, (but not wimpy) attractive "REAL MAN" who knows how to treat a WOMAN in a relationship. I am 5/8 Native American Arapaho/Comanche Indian & 3/8 black

Enough with the caps. Seriously. Headache. But lookie here, now we know his "very different and interesting" look.

I have ONLY dated Caucasian since I was old enough to date. Very specifically I am seeking a pretty Caucasian brunette ONLY, with a good figure.( I'm talking able to extremely "low-ride" and show midriff figure.) I will WORSHIP the anatomy, mind, and soul of a good hearted, intelligent, natural brunette..

I am glad he's not picky at all.

A "REAL MAN" should make his WOMAN feel like the ONLY FEMALE on the planet..

Dear lord, he's back to the worshipping bullshit. And why is "REAL MAN" in quotes. Is it a euphemism for pimp? I bet it is! Ooh ooh, I know, he's soliciting women for a harem.

I'm 3rd generation native southern Californian; born and raised Bel-Air / Beverly Hills, living in Studio City...

I confused myself for a little there. That's right, this is off the LA Craigslist board. But I'm sorry, why is he in Studio City if he's originally from Bel-Air/BH? I mean, that's like 500 steps down.

I come from great stock

Like a racehorse!

and make a good living in one phase of (TV., film, music video, pre-production/production )as a freelance independent.

Now, his punctuation is all over the place too. What phase is he in? I am soo confused right now.

I am also a small-time HIGH-END residential contractor that specializes in EXTREMELY HIGH-END interiors and HIGH-END commercial-quality FLOATING recording facilities(studios)/rehearsal sound rooms in private residences from scratch.....

I guess there's a market for everything. What are "FLOATING recording facilities"? And he makes them from scratch, as well? I know you can make cookies from scratch, but entire rooms. He's a man of many talents.

I believe that the WOMAN is the stronger gender and should be SPOILD!! mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and last but not least NO DOUBT SEXUALLY !!!!! As a lover I would rather PLEASE than be pleased and EXTREMELY CREATIVE..

Blahblahblah, he's said this already, and it's no less cringeworthy the second time 'round.

( I LUV to see a WOMAN just CUM apart at the seams !!!!! then just completely become unraveled and just fall apart in my arms!!!!)

Waaaah. Make it stop! He is demonstrating some dom traits here, whereas in the last post he was all sub. Curious.

She should feel like she is just entering into another world...Out of her mind with her head swimming in LUST and entering into a sexual FRENZY, and insane MIND ALTERING orgasm... LITERALLY BOO HOO!!!!!

"BOO HOO"?? Haha, I nearly died laughing reading that.

CRYING real tears of SHEER pleasure...TOTALLY, COMPLETELY 100% OVERWHELMED. Her head RUSHING, her face flushed, her RUDELY-EXPOSED naked body uncontrollably QUIVERING, and her heart and soul FILLED from HEAD to GORGEOUS TOE'S with TRUE LOVE !!!!!!!!

True love? I thought it was just sex.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL ! ! ! !

Ah, back to the creepy female worship.

I NEED! To have a PRETTY brunette to SERVE, WORSHIP & ROMANCE, with respect in a truly unconditional, loving, caring, EXCITING! Relationship

Back to sub. He's confused, this one is.

Don't let the ethnicity frighten you..... By culture I'm probably more WHITE than you, although also proud of my heritage's.

Hm. Interesting. I'm not going to get into how he knows that. It's just a weird thing to say. Maybe he got mocked for his looks when he was younger. Then he grew up and became CRAZY.

I grew up surfing the California coast, and for some good years played big venue, stage act, rock & roll / alternative / reggae / punk rock, country rock etc. for a living as a "hired gun" independent pro concert tour drummer and still occasionally perform a night or two, big California venue ONLY..... if am asked or if I'm invited and if its worth the insanity.

I mean, honestly. Many talents. He does it all. I wonder where he fits the female-worship in there, what with all the other stuff he does.

I have allot of character and dynamic element's.... Please write if you would like to be TOTALLY WORSHIPED! in a relationship.

Someone give this guy a chill pill.

If you respond I will provide my personal phone #s so that you can judge my manner, my voice is not hard to listen to. The next WOMAN that catches my attention is a fortunate female.

I think I am going to have to pass on this offer. You know, the one thing he hasn't specified is age, either his own nor the WOMAN of his DREAMS.

A man's ONLY job is to CATER to EACH and EVERY need of the ONLY ONE WOMAN that he is with......

ENOUGH ALREADY. Seriously. No wonder he can't find anyone, if he's aggressive and pushy in real life, any sane woman would go running for the hills.

NOTHING!! ON THIS PLANET CAN COMPARE WITH THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

2005-01-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

I think I have a headache from reading this post. Aside from the blatant misuse of the possessive (I'm not even sure if it's that or just a confusion regarding the use of the apostrophe in conjunction with the letter 's') and the misspellings, it's the ALL CAPS letters that BOTHER the HELL out of ME. And we haven't even gotten into the content of the post yet.

The ground the WOMAN walk's on should be unconditionally WORSHIPED. Everything that she does should be praised...Out of everything phenomenally BEAUTIFUL in ALL of creation (the oceans, the forests, the constellations, etc.) the WOMAN is the most beautiful...SHE is an AWESOME phenomenon. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, is more EXQUISITE in this existence than the WOMAN. Just the SIGHT and energy that a WOMAN creates is a ball buster...

Ball buster, eh? Bet this guy is a sub, and wants to be beaten down some more. And women are prettier than water, trees and the stars. Woowheee! Too bad more guys don't feel this way.

They are supernaturally picked to have are children...They in the same manner are picked to be our MOTHER'S...They are nurturer's and conqueror's, and have the most incredible attributes out of ANY and ALL creature's on this earth...they are BY-FAR the stronger gender...The WOMAN should be put on a pedestal, lifted up on a platform, and have EACH and EVERY one of her relationship NEEDS CATERED to on a regular basis by her significant...That should be a man's ONE and ONLY job in his one on one relationship with a WOMAN...A man should make his woman feel like she is the ONLY female on the planet...IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL...

Damn, I did not know that getting to be pregnant was a supernatural quality. I feel all special now. And damn straight all women should be put on a pedestal. Although if this guy is the worshipper, I'd feel a little creeped out. Also note that he suddenly switches from the WOMAN to the GIRL at the end of this paragraph. I'm not so sure about that, it's a little weird.

I don't want to even get into writing about the anatomy of the WOMAN or I may cause myself to orgasm here where I sit, but the soft body of a WOMAN should be DILLIGENTLY!!! Physically attended to and pampered regularly with EXTREME!!! PASSION and FOCUSED AFFECTION...

OH YUCK! YUCK! I am going to return to writing my paper on the cross-cultural perceptions of achievement because that is just So Gross. I am getting the willies just thinking about it.

The scent/smell of a WOMAN is cause for insanity, something to be inhaled as many times as possible on a daily basis...the taste of a WOMAN is something too DIE FOR, and definitely something to savor on the lips, tongue and inside the mouth...

That's right. Back to this paper I go straightaway. Yet I can't tear myself away from the trainwreck that is this post.

A man's universe should revolve around a WOMAN'S mind, heart, and SOUL...and his world should revolve around her female extremities and the vital areas of her physical being...IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL..

Again, another switch from the WOMAN to the GIRL. This guy is one big perverted sicko.

In relationship the man should take as much weight off of the WOMAN'S shoulders as possible, and provide a safe place for her to go in her heart...In relationship the man should be ready to walk into LITERAL FIRE for the WOMAN..

Burn baby, burn. Disco inferno. Sorry. Obviously, my mind is seeking to go to a safer place away from the creepiness that is this guy.

A man should NEVER raise his voice to a WOMAN and ALWAYS should be EXTREMELY GENTLE & KIND. their should never be ANY TYPE of aggression towards a WOMAN and definitely NO kind of man-handling unless she desires to be TAKEN in that manner AFFECTIONATELY in an EROTIC, SENSUAL, OVERWHELMING, SEXUAL SCENARIO...

Please make it stop.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GIRL...

A third time, a switch to the GIRL. It makes me wonder..

I am not SUPER, SUPER, successful as I once was in my past industry profession but I am ambitious, hard-working and make a good living.. I am not Mr. GQ gorgeous perfect, but I am not unattractive any means and handsome in my own manner. My look is very different & interesting because I am of mixed race.(NOT an average look) I am not in perfect fighting shape and all buffed-out like I was a few years back, but my straight work is very physical and I am pretty well maintained, a tough guy and not to many extra pounds... 5'11",200lbs..

Wait, so what do you have to recommend yourself? You're not successful anymore, and you are handsome "in your own special way". What's your new job? Scaring the shit out of innocent Craigslist readers? Additionally, 5'11 and 200 pounds.. seems a bit heavy to me, unless that's all muscle. And if it is all muscle, that's a freaking lot of muscle, and when guys are too built up they are unattractive. Then again, my ex was 6'4 and a scrawny 170, so perhaps my perceptions of what guys should weigh are all screwed up. But still. I'm thinking that Mr. Pervo here has some excess fat hanging about. Maybe he should spend less time with the LITERAL FIRE of the WOMAN and instead.. I dunno, getting himself back to his buff former self.

I AM DYNAMIC, CHARISMATIC, PERSONABLE, AND FUN TO BE WITH...I have been fortunate enough to have had a TON of worldly experiences which has provided for a vast amount of general wisdom & knowledge, and wisdom of the human nature...Most WOMEM for one reason or another are USUALLY DRAWN to me.......

I don't even want to know what these worldly experiences are. Not at all. There is no curiousity killing this cat.

and for some reason USUALLY the VERY ATTRACTIVE..I think because I EXUDE CONFIDENCE and kind of OOZE with an obvious, CHARMING, EXTREME sexuality.... as well as I have a VERY POWERFUL PRESENCE....If you are socially conscious you may understand better if I volunteer the fact that I was a pro circuit concert tour "DRUMMER" and still an occasionally working pro musician. That lifestyle was VERY FAST!!! So I had to slow it down by my choice so I would live and so I could have a normal life...

OOZE. He OOZES with sexuality. Be still, my beating heart. Actually, I personally think he OOZES with PERVERSION, but that's just me. And why is "drummer" in quotation marks. Is that a euphemism for pimp? Or something even worse of which I don't want to think?

I have recently gone through a very painful break-up and took some time to re-group. However I have rendered myself available again and seeking a serious committed LTR with another beauty. I don't have any baggage and desire someone who can appreciate what I bring to the table in a relationship and someone who can keep my attention. I just want a simple life of TOTAL relationship HAPPINESS. I have another post under (men seeking WOMEN) that tells a little more about my-self….if you respond I will give you the title of the other post......

Painful breakup but no baggage? Please. That is a blatant lie. Especially as this breakup was recent. Wait. He has another post. I must find this other post.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 2

2005-01-19T01:03:00.000-05:00

I started writing because I was going to just tell a story about how there are things that one should always list in an ad. That's going to have to be another day, though. Today I must digress.

Thinking over yesterday's post, I suddenly remembered that I had not really started at the beginning of my adventures. Therefore, it is only right that I go back to that point today.

I first started perusing the CL ads for fun and entertainment. I didn't have any intention of answering any. Then there was one that sounded too entertaining to pass up. There was this supposed Brit (I'll get to that later) who was planning to visit the States and was looking for a tour guide. In exchange, said tour guide would receive a trip to the UK. Gloria told me it was too good to pass up so I answered.

As we conversed, I noticed a number of sketchy details. First of all, he claimed that he did not have a photo. Who in this day and age does not have a photo? Then when I happened to mention that the start of his trip happened to coincide with a visit from my mother, he then said that his trip had been postponed. The strange thing is that he supposedly received a call from work telling him this -- 30 minutes after he heard about my conflict -- at 8 PM on a Friday night. (Well, it was 8 PM in London that is.) First thing that made me wonder if he was really in London. I also found it surprising that he claims to have never received the email that I sent asking in what part of London he was. Eventually his trip was back on and he wanted me to meet him at his hotel, if you can call the place that. It was actually more like an EconoLodge kind of place. (I know this because I looked the place up on the internet.) Of course, my mama didn't raise a fool so I told him that I would meet him at a restaurant in the area. The last straw is when I called the motel and asked for his room the day before I was supposed to meet him. What a surprise! There was no one registered under the name he had given me. At that point, I decided that I had received enough of an entertaining story; actually meeting him would not be necessary.

Why did I hang in there so long? Boredom. Besides, like I said, I'm always in search of a good story to share at cocktail parties. I won't even go into my thoughts on the fates that I could have faced if I had actually shown up.

Please keep checking back. I promise I will eventually get to the funniest story of all eventually.

Harvard grad student seeks harvard undergrad - 23

2005-01-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

Although I am not a Harvard undergrad (thank God! Do you know what sorts of issues those people have? Think about it - you have 1500-1600 18-yos who were each at the top of their high-school class, and then you stick them together - how can massive therapy-inducing issues not happen? It's such a stunner when each realises that s/he is not the smartest one anymore.) I thought this post was interesting, because this poor guy obviously has this gigantic inferiority complex from NOT having gone to Harvard undergrad.

Tired of all these effete, witty, well-dressed boys on their way to good jobs that have overrun your campus?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #1. No, not tired of these guys, because they will make money and you are in grad school, which let me tell you will rarely earn you the big bucks. Also, what is wrong with witty and well-dressed? Incidentally, only a very small percentage of the Harvard population is well-dressed. The rest look like they shop at the Coop. Harvard is a dork school for a very good reason.

Why not date an honest to goodness nerd?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #2. That description is so tempting.

Now that I'm in grad school I'm finally living my ultimate fantasy of collecting a paycheck to go to class.

Does this count as an inferiority complex? Hmm. When I was little, my ultimate fantasy was to have all of the My Little Pony ponies. Now, my ultimate fantasy is to collect a paycheck to go shopping and waste time.

When I used to get pushed around for liking school, no one bothered to tell me I could get straight up PAID for it.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #3. You can get paid for sleeping with people too. Not that I know this first-hand. It was just a thought.

I've got that nerd look: tall, skinny, high cheekbones, likes to wear button down shirts unbuttoned to reveal that quintessential wardrobe staple, the white t-shirt.

I thought all nerds had pocket protectors and dorky glasses and suspenders. This just sounds like a scrawny boy who can't dress. I also think this might be another inferiority complex demonstration, okay, it is, in light of the fact that he referred to the well-dressed Harvard male undergrads. INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #4.

I've got those nerd tastes: I enjoy wit and satire as much as the next fellow, but I also appreciate downright absurdity in the Nee!/ATHF variety. Music preference is almost to the point of nerd cliche: Zeppelin, Autechre, and Sibelius.

I did not know "nerds" had a certain type of music they listened to. You learn something new every day. And I don't know what this "Nee!/ATHF" absurdity is, and I thought that I was the Mistress of the Absurd.

I went to a nerd school: You Harvard undergraduate women are all suspiciously attractive (it's almost like the admissions office is vetting you on something besides your high-powered academics). Why couldn't some of you have gone to my alma mater?

INFERIORITY COMPLEX HINT #5. He's obviously only seeing like 5% of the Harvard population, the ones that got in because they're legacies and/or on sports teams. The rest of them are NOT lookers. And if Harvard isn't a nerd school, what is? I bet he went to MIT or some other school that focuses on engineering. Lemme tell you, my alma mater was a much prettier school. Why do you think they required that you send in a photo with your application? Rumour also had it that they made you handwrite your personal statement so that they could perform handwriting analayses on it/you. Who knows if that's true or not.

My type of girl is anyone who is still reading this. If you've made it this far, you should at least write to get the free pictures. One of them features Oklahoma.

I am glad he's not picky about what kind of girl he wants. I really really hope that "Oklahoma" is not a euphemism for his penis.

Incidentally, he used the word "nerd" FIVE times. He's a touch sensitive about being a "nerd", isn't he. Being a Harvard grad student is also not all that interesting. You can throw a handful of coins in Harvard Square, and odds are that at least half of them will hit a current or former Harvard grad student. But obviously this winner thinks that being a nerd is going to be that "special thing" that wins girls over. "Special" indeed. I wonder if he's still a virgin.

Real-Life Tales of Online Dating Pt. 1

2005-01-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I decided it was not enough to peruse ads. No, I had to start answering them. Then the inevitable happened; I started meeting these guys. If anything else, the experience has provided me with countless stories to share at cocktail parties.

Let me start with my first meeting experience. (By the way, I have changed the names to protect the guilty if any names are used.) I started emailing this guy who was looking for someone to help spend his lottery winnings. I figured that anyone who said that had to be witty. We started talking on the phone. Then one day I inadvertantly answered yet another ad he had posted. We took it as a sign that we were meant to meet. Of course, by this point I was a bit trepidatious because he had previously mentioned that he doesn't think that he has ever bought a drink for a woman. WHAT? How does a guy get to his 30's without ever buying a drink for a woman unless he is a cheap bastard?

Back to the meeting. I arrived at the previously agreed upon cafe about 10 minutes late. I have since learned that this is an acceptable grace period. (Well, I always thought this was true, but on this particular day I was beginning to doubt it.) I looked around and saw no one who looked like the pictures I had received. I thought, "Perhaps he is late," so I ordered a latte and made myself comfy at a table with my copy of "Vanity Fair" -- the book, not the magazine. After 50 minutes or so, I decided that he was a no show.

When I got home, I wrote to ask where he was. He claims that he was there for about 30 minutes and saw no one who looked like me. Sure... I actually look like the photo that I send out. If he was there, then he looks nothing like his picture. What probably surprises me most is that I have actually agreed to meet other guys following this mishap. But more about that another time...

And so it begins... AGAIN

2005-01-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

That's right. We've started this up again. Who knows if Scarlett will ever post. But we've a new team member, Dagny, who is gutsy enough to meet up with some of these fools (because we all know that I'm chickenshit)..

Let the good times roll.

(Me, I'll continue making fun of ads and emails. Because that's all I'm good for.)

OK, I'll pretend to be an all-American guy!

2004-10-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

Another side-splitter. My stomach seriously hurts so much.

Hello,

OK, let the shagfest begin. For a short time only, I will turn off my personality and instead adopt the over confident, cheese spewing good ole U.S. stereotype just to get into your pants (you lucky thing). I shall also fake being at least 6'1" because I know how important that is to all you 5'1" girls out there. I shall rabidly crush all the things that make me interesting and agree to become settled, get married, have 2.1 kids, minivan and the whole shebang (yeeehaaa).

Just think of it...

- Sentimentality on demand (yes, I'll be the sensitive man by spontaneously shedding tears at the right moment in any movie of your choosing).

- Reveling in your lofty ambitions (I will sit agog when you describe your radical departure from the norm by spouting on about your dizzying, yet highly original desire to get ahead in marketing or start a family).

- Fawn and gush over whatever hairy turd factory you've decided to call a pet.

- Give you an excuse to get mad at me by going out with my male friends to a noisy sports bar, drinking piss weak beer whilst strutting about thinking I'm tough.

- Make you feel like you have a real man about the house by watching sport at every available moment and wearing an A's baseball cap (or whatever team you think is kick ass).

- Speak very loudly all the time punctuating various sentences with "YEAH", "HIGH FIVE", "YEHAAA", etc.

- Will promise not to startle you by having a conversation which might actually present a contrarian viewpoint (or otherwise show a depth of understanding of the world that comes from someone who's lived in other bits of it).

- Will instantly become everything a man should be as defined by Cosmopolitan magazine.

- Will endlessly shower you with platitudes that you've been conditioned to expect as being appropriate from the male gender.

- Develop a cute ass, always wear Levis, work on a six-pack, even if it means nailing coke cans to my stomach. I mean, let's face it everyone knows that these are what keeps a relationship lasting through the years of ups and downs. That thing about friendship, common interests, engaging conversation, mutual discovery, are just old wive's tales (huh?).

- Will present myself to you radiating such a cloud of self-confidence that you'll think I'll be able to handle anything (even you), but in reality will fall apart when the shit really hits the fan (like when my pickup cannot hold enough low class crap to out-crap my buddy's pickup also full of low class crap or when they've run out of tofu burgers at Trader Joe's).

- Will gladly plea guilty to a domestic violence charge when I am accused of ignoring your feelings or not giving you enough compliments (you think I'm kidding, check out the 'Emotional Withholding' section here).

Since posting the above, I have also decided to offer custom gum chewing. This will feature extra mandible action to guarantee that 20 point IQ drop look. You think I'm looking too intelligent (uh oh, geek alert), don't worry, in an instant I can be chewin' looking as thick as the rest of 'em.

'Touch O'th'Working Class'. Realizing that alcoholics and other 'piss-my-wage-up-against-the-wall-on-a-Friday-night' types seem to have no trouble pulling American tail, I am including the 'Touch O'th'Working Class' feature in my personality repertoire. I too will adopt the persona of an Nth generation Irish/Italian/Polish/etc-American cultural peasant stock stereotype. These additions will be instantly recognizable as I increase my televised sports intake, become rampantly parochial spewing resentment towards anything or anyone that dare introduce anything new in my life. In addition, I shall get massively insecure having to self-aggrandize and demean others at every available opportunity.

Given that the above might not be to every upstanding American girls' taste, now on offer are two further personality options...

- Glossy corporate twat! Who cares if he's a sociopath, he earns a shitload! The ideal partner for every social climber! Want to get ahead in that catty backstabbing way that other high society women do? Feel like you're slipping behind in the race to be the most pampered useless extension of your man? Not any more! Now that you're with your corporate man, you can be as kept as the rest of them. Attend the best parties where all you have to do is sport a nice dress and expensive jewels. Dispense with conversational items that don't relate to shopping or 'who's in and who's out'. Be free to disparage any woman whose partner who has made his money in one of those 'low class' lines of work (which actually involves 'working'). Spend your time prancing about managing your charitable foundation with the time and money made possible by your high earning partner. Who gives a shit how many people he's sent to the poor house or otherwise subjugated already!

- Flaky mocha-no-fat-soy-latte-tofu-eating-pseudo artiste prick! As a looser, I will disguise my inability to make headway in life as the tribulations of the struggling artist. I'll prattle on about Kafka and Ginsberg like they were my gay lovers (but not too gay of course for after all I am trying to get into your pants)! I shall immediately grow a goatee, long straggly black hair, develop a waif-like appearance and add extra angst to every conversational snippet. I shall send of for the 'Perfect that Gay Sounding Voice' practice tapes, tho I can become your new thenthative man (hint, I'm lisping).

- Latino Sleeze-Boy! A variation of the "Touch O'th'Working Class" personality targeted for the discerning Latina. My car will instantly turn into an extra cheap piece of shit that I could have easily replaced with a Ferrari had I not spent all my money adding tacky modifications to it. Tinted window, extra large spoiler, wide tires and a racing exhaust included! Of course no 'I bet this twat ahead of me is a Chicano', image would be complete without the trunk busting speakers and metal reclining naked mud flap chick. Of course, once out of the car, I'll strut about exuding extra machismo because as a Latino it's part of our (fragile) cultural identity even more so than with American men (if you can believe that). Other features include surgically attached backward facing baseball cap.

- Inverted hair main! No longer being able to grow here on the top of my head, I will shave it off and instead grow the most ridiculous goatee you've ever seen. This way, I can still convince myself, if not the world, that I'm not really suffering male pattern baldness. Goatees not your thing? No problem! I'll shave it off for the highly original Vin Diesel look which is just such a rarity nowadays.

I eagerly await the chance to remove your underwear, er, I mean listen to every word you say. Oh, after the amount of effort I've put into this, you can at least send a photo (because I'm supposed to be shallow, remember?).

P.S. If anyone knows of any creative writing jobs, please send them my way.

Couldn't. Stop. Laughing.

2004-10-17T21:28:00.000-04:00

Obviously, the procrastinating situation is dire when I return to perusing Craigslist instead of writing my papers. This one was way too priceless not to share, however.

I sit around in my underwear - 36

You wanted romance, didn't you? I got romance up the wazzoo. As the B. Boys say, it's always great to get back in the States, back to the cutest girls in the world. And I should know! I was in Canada last week. DOGS!!! You want to know who let the dogs out? Some Canadian guy did! Listen to me - if you're going north anytime soon, carry some mace! X-Strength. Woof, woof! Arf!

But anyway, what I'm looking for is some of those smokin hot chill American girls. Bring it on! I say. A Badass like me isn't happy unless he's taking it to Partytown (NOT the one in Canada). Whatever. They call me Buckshot. I've never liked that name but hey if you've got an ass that can stop a freighttrain (not because it's as big as a freigttrain, but because it's smokin hot) then fire a bomb over here and LET'S BUST A MOVE!!!

My stomach hurts, it was just too much for me.

2004-10-11T22:06:00.000-04:00

Okay. So this whole thing is progressing a lot more slowly than planned. Scarlett, even though she's promised me she'll write, hasn't, and I have more reading than I know what to do with.

But, I just had to post this. Before I do, however, some background. Out of all the many many pathetic responses I received, this one actually had a decent photo. So I emailed back - yes, I am that shallow. How else are you going to weed out people? To make a long story short, he basically was in town just for the weekend and just "wanted to get a drink." Bleh. So not interested, especially since I was going to have to drive all the way out to The Valley (said with horror, of course).

So I said that oops! I was going to be in Vegas for the weekend and well, just never wrote back when I "returned." Easy as pie. Too bad guys are like totally uber-dense.

I am off to work right now, taking a couple of rides out this afternoon and at sunset, you should book a ride.....anyhow, i figured this weekend would be a great time for us to grab that drink we talked about - im intown for afew days again....and have a place on the beach!

The rides he's talking about are horseback rides in some LA canyon. And if that email's not all sorts of sketch, I don't know what is. I also wish he knew how to properly use his space bar and how to capitalise letters.

By the way, if someone else is bored and has lots of time on her hands, and wants to help out with making fun of online personals.. do drop an email. It'd be a shame to let our sheer laziness stop such a brilliant idea.

Many apologies.

2004-09-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

Someday, this site will truly be up and running. But hi, I've been so busy navigating guys in real life that I have no time to mess with the heads of guys I haven't even met yet. And Scarlett is just a lousy poster, sigh. (But I still love her!)

A tip, though. If you are on match.com, or whatever dating site you use - sending an email that says only:

Hey!

When can we go on our date?

Love,
R--

isn't so likely to get you a response. "Our" date? I don't know you from Adam, and you're already using the 1st person plural? HAH. And guys who sign their emails with "love" should just go away already. Like I said, I don't know you, there is a certain charm in distance and formality.

And if your picture makes you look like a grinning goon, this applies in triplicate.

Will the pathetic emails never end?

2004-08-05T01:42:00.000-04:00

Scarlett swears that she's going to post when she returns from New Mexico. I personally am convinced that she's going to come back married, and won't have any such time for trivial pursuits such as messing with guy's heads via Craigslist as she will be busy tending hearth and home.

And I would have posted more - however, cheesy as it may seem, life got in the way. Hard to spend time messing with unknown guys online when there are guys in real life you're trying to figure out. But! Since all looks quiet on the western front (I promise, I will stop with these stupid not-even-puns), here are some more.

Bad responses:

Aloha,

How are you today? I hope all is well with you. To start, im pretty easy to get along with and would love to hear anything you have to say. I like art shows and going out and seeing new places. I open to new ideas and life. I am a burningman veteran and go every year; this will be my 8th straight year. I like to ride motorcycles and take a drive to see new things when i get a chance. Great conversations/ debates with my friends and family are always welcome. I never bore and i like ice cream!

sincerely, Me =)

If you like instant message me, let's chat!

Automatic points off for ending with a smiley. And Burning Man. BURNING MAN! Do you KNOW what Burning Man is? For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's when people go into the vast deserts of Nevada and set up a temporary community there for a certain span of time - JUST FOR FUN. I'm sorry. Obviously you didn't read my personals ad, which would have certainly dissuaded you from mentioning Burning Man, much less the fact that you'd done it for 8 years. And how is you liking ice cream going to somehow be the "cincher" for a return email? Bleh.

HELLO... MY NAME IS G--... CONTACT ME

This was accompanied by a stellar picture of the guy shirtless, with an enormous tattoo covering his chest. Just... no.

my name is J--,

I am a "normal" guy. I would say I'm labeled as a "F-U-N" guy. If you
asked any of the people I know they would all say the same thing. I
can be
sarcastic, silly, mature, immature, intelligent, confident, clumsy (at
times), light hearted, I can take it and dish it out,
etc...etc...etc....

ABOUT ME:
27y.o.
5-10
225lbs
hazel eyes
brown hair
Armenian, German, Italian
live in Covina
Work Downtown Los Angeles
Belong to an Armenian Fraternity (we do things for the Armenian
Community)
I understand Italian & Armenian better than I can speak it
I have a Bachelors degree in business, marketing from CSUF
I graduated from college 3 years ago.

I dunno. I don't see how any of this is a draw. That you understand languages better than you speak them I understand, but don't use it as a selling point. And I don't know what your definition of "normal" is, and what "F-U-N" is. It sort of scares me, to be honest. You need to be a little more engaging, and this quasi-resume just isn't doing it.

And, for a change of pace. One that acutally made me laugh. It was cute and witty. If only he wasn't short and skinny. That's such an automatic deal-breaker.

Hey,

My favorite food: rack of lamb and tiramisu for dessert (but spaghetti's easier to make and it's hard for guys to screw that up and thank god for ice cream!)

My favorite wine: cabernet sauvignon by Barefoot from Trader Joe's (water's just as good though)

My favorite beach: either Corona Del Mar or the one at The Ritz Carlton in Dana Point (or just splashing in the bathtub where you don't have to worry about how you're going to look in a swimsuit!)

My idea of a good time: all of the above with a good company who knows that while I may not be able to afford stuff like that all the time, my company is all she really wants (wow, that last part sounded so much better in my head)

Me: 30, asian, 5'7, about 140lbs and musician (damn, hope you don't mind musicians because I can't stand them!)

Bye! Or, aurevoir!

See, there is hope out there!

I promise, more substantial stuff later. It's late, I am sapped of creativity, and.. and... yeah, I have no more pathetic excuses. There is good stuff waiting in my inbox to be posted. I just need to get to it.

More bad responses

2004-07-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

I keep harassing Scarlett to post the responses she's gotten, but she says she has yet to "feel inspired." I know she's gotten some doozies and is just being mean and not sharing them with the world. That's fine. I have more. I really like the ones where they don't really read what you write.

Ok...I'm a dozen years older...is it that big of a deal?

I put in as a qualifier that I'm not looking for anyone more than a decade older than myself. This is because it's just weird (to me) to even potentially consider dating someone who was born in the 1960s. That's just too old for me, even if I'm not looking at dating any of these. This was also to screen out for any dirty old men - there are more than enough dirty young men than I alraedy want to deal with. So yes, a dozen years older, unless you are Michael Vartan, is indeed too old. I should have told him that. Shit, what if it was Michael Vartan?

So about me:

I like sports, trips to a dive bar for happy hour, dancing, travel, movies, and cooking. In addition, I also like to play music, (I play the bass, guitar, drums, and piano), write emails with lots of parenthesis, sailing, hanging out with my friends in L.A. for the evening to see what trouble we can cause, I love going to baseball games, and all around gangster shit.

Things I don't like are going to the grocery store, the beach (too much sand and no shade), hiking, camping, fishing (pretty much most outdoorsy dirty crap like that), and George Bush.

The kind of girls I am attracted to have varied quite a bit. But typically, I like girls who are my height or shorter, I don't care that much about weight (I typically don't like girls bigger than me though, but I am always open to trying new things), and honestly I have found I like girls who are a little ugly (if that makes any sense). I don't really like HOTT girls for some reason (maybe its there vain personality).

I consider myself pretty smart, I have two bachelors degrees (but that doesn't mean shit), and I like girls who can keep up with me in conversations. But I don't like quasi-intelectuals who bore you with anecdotes from literature or art.

So, with my bio complete I hope you will write back and tell me I am crazy, or you think I am cool.

You're crazy honey. Crazy. 1) You cannot spell. Obviously neither of those two bachelor's was in English or anything where you would have to write sentences or spell. 2) So if by some random freak accident we met and you were attracted to me, I'd have to wonder if I wasn't as attractive as I thought I was? That's a way to get a girl to respond to you: if you're ugly, I'll like you! 3) HELLO. I said in my ad that I LOVE THE BEACH. 4) "All around gangster shit." I can't even begin to comment. 5) I am an intellectual (not a quasi one) who will bore you with anecdotes from art or literature. That's what I do.

Btw, this guy's pic was of him in bed, with the sheets pulled up to his moronic-looking face. That's to cover up the fact that he's fat. And the look on his face - he looks dopey. I only wish I could post it.

Hi,

I'm 32 and apparently I just made the cut, sheesh! My friends would say that I'm sarcastic and critical...I would say that, "I kid because I love". I'm 6' tall and love to "banter" and am looking for a sassy side kick to explore the world with, first we'd have to settle with LA. So, email me, we'll do dinner and coffee and see what happens :P

First of all, you signed off with an emoticon. One where you're sticking your tongue out. Secondly, "see what happens"? No thank you. And finally, you look like you were an unwanted extra on The Sopranos. I think I spy hair plugs.

my ex was 22 Im cute white 40 and over 6ft 4in tall is that ok

NO you are a dirty old man! Your ex could have been your daughter. Oh my God was she?

Hey now, My name is R-- I saw your listing on craigs list and you sound like a great person to meet.

Hi my name is R--; I am a 37 Year old white man in the LA area. I am 5'11" with black hair and blue eyes I am told often that I resemble an athletic young John Travolta. I am a fitness buff with a terrific body and in incredible shape.
I am successfully employed in the Entertainment Industry working for one of the Media Giants.

I would love to talk to you. I prefer to talk over the phone rather than the web site or email tags so I would like to get your number or ask you to call me if interested in meeting.

Please email me your photo, name and number to [email address]

Or if your prefer to call my number is 213-XXX-XXXX

Thanks

R--

OH MY GOD I wish I could post pictures. Suffice it to say - thank the LORD that they are both so pixelly you can't make out details, because from what I can tell, he looks like one of those old-school Mexican wrestling dolls which are the main decor of a bar I sometimes go to combined with a scary person from a Goya painting. And finally..

hi white male 30y/o 5'9'' ddark hair br eyes 32 wasit picture avilable...175lbs 32 wais,,glk guy looking for some nice to hang out with
hit me up let's ta;lk

I daresay, I think he was drunk when he wrote this.

Bad responses, part I (of many)

2004-07-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

Examples of pathetically annoying responses to the ad I put up on Craigslist. Cut and paste replies, no reference to the ad at all (which is why I'm not writing what I put in it, just yet). I have to wonder if anyone actually reponds to these, other than telling them to return to grade school to work on their writing. My favourite ones are the guys who just send their pictures and nothing else, as if their photo alone would sell me on them. But I don't think it's fair to post their ugly mugs up, so I'll settle for text ones.

Hey you...

I'm game for some drinks... I live in Bev hills about 10 min from the grove.....About me... for fun i go to lots of fun parties and live an active social life in LA, but I'd love to take you out on a fun date.. i went to a top college and work in biz development out of entertainment... for fun i go to lots of movies premeires, golden globes, Playboy ESPY party is most recent.... where do u live... i live in bev hills... id love to meet for a drink 2nite... why dont u email me your # and pic and we can go from there :)

ciao bella,
B

Really, I don't know what to say. Obviously, he knows how to capitalise letters, but does so sporadically, which is just confusing. And it's impressing nobody when one uses 'u' instead of 'you' and '2nite' instead of 'tonight.' By the way, it is impossible in LA to get to any part of Beverly Hills in 10 minutes from The Grove (an outdoor shopping area). Big fat liar. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe Scarlett received the same email, but the guy's name was "P", not "B".

And I would love to know what is a 'top college.' I was very tempted to write back and ask that, but sometimes mysteries are better kept that way.

Hi! I just saw your profile on craiglist.org and I thought I'd drop you a line in the hope that we could get to know each other. I'm single, male, 23, and living in Orange County. I'm honest, intelligent, educated, humble, romantic, sweet, funny, attractive, respectful, courteous, etc...essentially I'm a great guy.

I enjoy music, traveling, investing, taking walks on the beach, having amazing conversations with people, photography, reading, learning, animals, etc... my interests are fairly broad.

I'm 5'11", caucasian, and I have brown hair and eyes. I have a pic of me if you'd like to see how I look, but I ask that you send me one of you first and I'll reply with mine.

Judging by your profile we have a lot in common and I think we'd get along well; we may well be perfect for each other! Anyway, I'd love to hear back from you when you have a chance to write!

Well goshdarnit, he's humble! Ha ha ha. I also like how he likes everything, and is everything. Mass appeal, I must say. The best part, however, is that he sent this email to me twice. Maybe he thought that two is better than one, and it would make me want to reply to him that much more. I mean, we might be perfect for each other! Obviously we would be. He likes everything, remember?

Hi my name is E--. I am a single 21 Male from Beverly Hills CA.
I am 6 foot 3 brown hair brown eyes muscular and glasses and a nice butt.
I am fun out going loveing and careing and a great guy to be around. I can be reached at 310-xxx-xxxx. I am allways a gentlemen. I enjoy playing tennis and golf. I like to experience new things in life. I would love to get to know you. Please give me a call back.
Love,
E--

Oh my! He's already signing his emails with 'love'! My heart flutters. Too bad he doesn't know how to use commas. That would just send me over the edge.

HELLO THERE,

I LIKED YOUR POSTING,AND THOUGHT I WOULD DROP YOU A LINE TO SAY HI,I AM A 26 YR OLD MALE IN GOOD SHAPE,LIKE TO HAVE FUN,I AM REALLY LAID BACK,DON'T SEE THE POINT IN DRAMA OR LYING,TREAT PEOPLE NICELY,I RUN MY OWN BUSINESS SO I WORK PRETTY HARD,BUT LOVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,IF YOU LIKE MY PIC I WILL TELL YOU MORE,BYE

I'm sorry, I can't read that. All caps gives me headaches. And he doesn't see the point in treating people nicely? Hmmm. And one last one..

All these women are gross. Hot women don't post on here, they don't need to. It's only ugly chicks on here, don't waste your time!

that is what someone placed a ad, that us men read, why would someone be so mean, and waist there time, I don't think this person is normal and told them so, I think that the women of my dreams is on this site, so I am sending my photo if you think I am possible your type, would you send me your photo back, please send to [email address], if you do send your photo back, I will send you anohter message telling you everything about me. Why would some guy put something out like this, can you beleive him, what a weird guy, how would he know what anyone looks like, he must be weird or something,. Anyway, I have a great sence of humor, hope you like my photo.

I had to read and reread this email multiple times, and I'm still not quite sure what his point is. Is he trying to be funny (and failing miserably) or is he just stupid (distinct possibility). And in his picture, he looked like Johnny Bravo. I don't know how I feel about dating cartoon characters. They're so awfully two-dimensional.

More bad e-mails tomorrow. I promise. They're funny. If only I could post the attached pictures, but that would be mean. Suffice it to say that I'm attempting to lower my standards as this isCraigslist, buuuuut... they can't go that low, it's impossible.

Let's be honest here! - 31

2004-07-22T20:07:00.000-04:00

So, I'm actually not going to start with the tales of the first personals ad I placed, but rather one I answered. It's all the same. Making fun of people, that is. Here are snippets from the ad:

I'm a SWM, 31, 5'10", 175, athletic, attractive, employed, stable and looking for someone...

Female: There is no gray area here. You either are or are not. And the same box checked since birth.

Age: Your real age, not what you they guess you to be, or when they carded you last, or what age you like to act out, or the equivalent in dog years.

Height: Just not as tall as I am.

Weight: Proportionate with your height. If you question this, then just send your height AND weight, I can determine for you. Note: any weight you send will automatically be calculated at 10 pounds higher until proven with a photo.

Educated: See height, if you can do that math problem, its a plus. More points if you can read through this. Remember the basics from grade school? Reading, writing and arithmetic.. those still count.

Independent: I want you to want me.. but not 258 times a day by phone and email.

Honest: Please tell the truth, tell me about yourself, not about your friend or your cousin or the person you wish to be. If we get along, we'd have to meet eventually, so why not just put it all out on the table now. And if we don't like each other.. then we'll just say so.. and go our separate ways, no hard feelings. The truth is brutal but I think I'm ready for it.

Refreshingly honest, I thought. And Oh My God he can spell, capitalise properly and has correct grammar. And he has a biting sense of humour! Impossible! You can never find such people on Craigslist! So I had to answer.

I should have known better. I responded in kind to his email, and this is what I got in return:

Thanks for the reply. It's funny how many negative responces I got back from this. In all hoesty I just sent this out because I was bored and was curious to see what responces I would get back. I do believe what iw rote, but it is a little funny.

I like the fact you not to PC. I too have a tendency to say things that make u go hmm. Also, I'm not a real big fan of camping either. For some reson all the bugs just seem to know I'm comming.

Btw. I no longer have the goatte

Pardon me? What happened there? What happened to the spelling? Comprehesion of the English language? I mean, seriously, he must have paid a native English speaker to write the ad for him, given the high pathetic level of his response. Doesn't he need to meet his own qualifications of education before demanding it of girls he wants to meet? Why, I daresay he didn't even understand a quarter of my email, the big words must have been too perplexing for him. His "things that make u go hmm," must be - wow, this guy can survive the day without being beaten up?

Ah, first appearances are deceiving. Such a pity.

I am so tempted to write back, in a "brutally honest" manner, and ask what in the hell happened to his typing skills. If you're trying to impress a girl, misspelling 'reason' and 'coming' aren't a good way to start.

And he looks like an oblong version of Mr. Potato Head. That didn't help matters either.

And so it begins..

2004-07-21T21:57:00.000-04:00

We get bored at work. Very very bored. With all this free time on our hands, what to do? (No, working is not an option.) There are only so many shopping websites and restaurant reviews a girl can peruse before wanting to buy out all of Los Angeles and spend whatever is leftover on a number of good restaurants.

Well. Seeing that we're both single and very eligible ladies, obviously thoughts turned to finding a guy. However, meeting guys at work, at least for me, is nigh upon impossible. Every place I've ever worked has been primarily composed of females. I don't know why, it's my dumb (bad) luck. And it's not like you really want to date guys out of the office anyway. And you can't go trolling for guys during lunch... so.. well, that left online personals.

Oh! But not in a serious way! Pleeeeease. I'm rather old-fashioned, I like to be set up through friends. Actually, come to think of it, most of my relationships in the past happened that way. The ones that didn't were one-night stands. Hmm. Perhaps a bit coincidental. But there is no reason that I can't have a little fun - as I've had in the past - with online personals. And this time, I can even do it guilt-free! (Even though I had absolutely no intention of going out with any other guy at the time, it still felt vaguely unfaithful to be placing personal ads - even in jest - while I was dating fuckwit.)

However, if something happens to pan out... riiiiiight.

And so we turn to our old friend, Craigslist. Most other dating sites require that you post pictures and you have to pay to email people. That's just silly. But not lovely CL! No, it is a bastion of anonymity.

So perhaps, we might've started placing personal ads on Craigslist. Semi-serious ones, so that guys couldn't tell that we were pulling their legs off the bat. And we might have gotten responses. Funny responses? Potential responses?! Ridiculous responses? Illiterate responses?

Oh yes, we received all that and more.

Thus the formation of this blog, because how could we keep all this amusement to ourselves?

Let the games begin, I say. All bets are off. It's open season.